James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

Matt was looking at me. He did not like me saying it.

Oh he is missing the sea, said Uncle Billy.

The bike-shop was there and we saw in the window. The man that had the shop was a champion. The bikes there were the best of all. Oh I will win the pools, said Uncle Billy, then I will get yez one.

Matt said, I do not want one.

Oh well, said Uncle Billy but that was all.

So I did not like Matt saying that. Uncle Billy did not talk after it and we were just walking. This was a windy street. It was dark and the lights were not good. In the new scheme ye saw the sky and there were stars but here ye did not. I was glad Uncle Billy was there. If ye saw boys they picked on ye. At the subway station he gived us money. Alright men, cheerio.

When we were on the subway Matt said, Ye should not talk about dad.

Oh but Uncle Billy.

But ye should not anyway.

Matt could say these things to me. When he done it I wanted to say something back but could not. If me and him went places, he did not like taking me places. I liked going myself to grannie's. If ye went with him something happened.

***

I stopped swearing. No because of nothing. It was just if it was a laugh. Gary McNab was turning round in class when the teacher was not looking and he was saying stuff, T***e b*m k***h s***e d****e f***y b*m t*t. I was laughing too and he was saying in a low voice, You say it You say it.

If I would say it. Usually I did. He said it and I said it back and we were just laughing but this time I did not so he was saying, Oh what is wrong with you, how come you are not saying it. Say it.

No.

Aye.

No.

So then Gary said it again, T***e b*m k***h's***e d****e f***y b*m t*t.

And we were laughing. And Ruthie Grindlay that sat beside me was going, Oh tch huhhh, and turning round to see the lassie behind her. She did not like me laughing and talking to Gary McNab, if he was a dunce and we were in the top division. So he was whispering to me and the teacher looked and saw us but only me she said it to. Oh Kieron Smith, stop being so foolish.

When playtime came we went out to the playground. It was raining and a lot of us were in the shelter talking and laughing about the teacher. Gary McNab was making people laugh and saying how I would not say the swear words, and he was looking at me, and then he went, Well say them now.

But I was just laughing at him till then Podgie said it. Oh Smiddy, say the words.

No.

Come on.

No.

Come on, say's***e.

No.

Say it.

No.

Now other boys were looking.

Say t***e.

No.

You are just coming it.

I am not.

But that is not swearing, said Gary and he said the words again, T***e b*m k***h's***e d****e f***y b*m b*m.

Other ones were saying it too. Oh what is Smiddy doing? It is not swearing. Bad words is not swearing.

Some is swearing, if it is dirty words.

So other ones were shouting, Say's***e.

No.

Podgie said, Say f**k.

No.

C**t.

No.

People were laughing. Say jobby?

Jobby.

How come ye say jobby?

Because it is not swearing.

Look, said Gary, he has got a big riddy. Say k***h.

No.

K***h is not swearing.

Yes it is.

It is not.

Say f***y.

No.

Is f***y swearing?

Yes, because it is a dirty word.

Aye but it is no swearing.

Yes it is.

No it is not.

It is, if it a lassie's.

A boy out the class below said, How come ye do not swear?

Other ones were looking at me. I said, That is my business.

Say f**k, said Podgie.

No.

Mitch and other ones were there and looking at me and I felt how my face was and it was in my head to stop and just speak a bad word, whatever it was and I was waiting for Mitch to say it or if it was somebody, Billy MacGregor or Peter Wylie, if they said something so if I could just laugh but I could not. I thought I would. But then my face was sore and was just funny and I was rubbing it, and oh my cheeks and my bones felt funny. Mitch said it, Oh Smiddy does not swear.

Podgie said, How come?

I do not know.

Gary said, I have heard him swear.

Yes, I said, but I have stopped now.

And I did. I did not swear again or else bad words and dirty words, I tried not to, so people knew it.

It was funny how I done it. I felt it was funny. But I wished I had not started not swearing. Other boys did not swear but they were posh or else just if they were swots. So now I was in the top division and was one who did not swear.

My maw hated swearing. Even if it was my da and he said bloody. Oh Johnny.

Sorry.

Me and Matt never done it if we were the gether. If other boys were doing it and it was the two of us there, well, ye wished they did not and maybe kidded on ye did not hear it.

Then I took red faces. Gary McNab watched me and shouted, Oh Smiddy has got a riddy.

And that started too if somebody was saying a joke and if it was dirty or with a bad word people looked at me to see what I would do, so if I got a red face and they all were laughing. Smiddy has got a riddy.

But some ones that did it were watching because if I got them, Who are you laughing at?

When it came after school or holidays and I was kicking a ball with Pat and Danny I swore same as them but then I stopped doing it there too.

So in the class people had a different look at me. Some liked it. I thought that with Gary McNab and Mitch but no with Podgie, it was just another thing and even ye thought if maybe he wished he did not swear or else what could it be? Podgie did not like it if things happened with other people it was only to be him, him him, he was the big man. He thought I was trying to be big. Mitch was saying to him about me climbing and Podgie just went away so he could not hear, he did not like me if I was a good climber.

I did not know about the lasses, if they thought I was good for not swearing. They would. Most lasses did not swear but said the first letter, You are a dirty b. Some just said it, Oh you are a cheeky b****r.

But people said, Oh he is in the top division, he does not swear.

But that did not matter. I would not swear if I was in the dunces' row. So what? It would not bother me. People there did not care about their lessons but ones in the top division did, and they did not fight and they did not do stuff except if the teacher said so. People thought it about me. None of the boys played with ye in the top division. But the ones there did not want to play Usually they had ties on and were snobby. Ye thought that about top boys. The teacher let them go messages out the room and they just came straight back but if it was me I just waited, so then she did not ask me. I was glad.

***

One Saturday morning Mitch came up for me and it was only seven o'clock. We were going to play football but no till ten o'clock. But now seven o'clock and the bell rang. I was sleeping and did not hear it but my da was there, just going out the door to his work. He took Mitch in and waked me up. What is that boy here for at this time of the morning?

I do not know dad.

Do not wake yer mother.

No dad. I took Mitch into the kitchenette and made toast and tea for breakfast. I said to him, Oh Mitch it is too early. We all were sleeping.

No yer da.

Oh aye but he is going to work.

After breakfast we went into the living room but it was too early for the radio or television. I had cards and we just played Pontoons for kid-on money. Me and him done it a lot and kept scores, who owed who, ye would pay back when ye were a man and got yer wages.

Mitch had three big sisters. I was glad I did not have. But maybe it would be good. If they done stuff for ye, sisters usually done it, if it was housework. Mitch thought a big brother would be good but maybe it would not. I telled him.