John Barth - Giles Goat-Boy

my dad's son at all! Now, such talk doesn't

bother me, as a rule; bad-tempered fellows

call you a bastard just because they're jealous.

This poet, though, had no ax to grind,

and so I called our proph-prof in to find

out what he'd say about it. (Dad refused

even to discuss it; I was used

to silence from him and from Mom — - his wife — -

whenever I brought up the Facts of Life.

I had to learn the truth myself.)

AGENORA: I see.

[TO COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN]

That's why he was so green when he met me.

I taught him what a young man needs to know.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: You taught us all, madam, even though

we weren't young and didn't need a tutor.

AGENORA: You needed blood transfusions.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Or someone cuter,

who wouldn't've had to pull her husband's rank to

get us into bed.

AGENORA: Screw you.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: No thank you.

TALIPED: Stop mumbling, please, and listen.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: If we must.

TALIPED: As I was saying…

AGENORA:[TO COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN]

/'// fix you, buddy; just

you wait.

TALIPED: Some things the proph-prof said weren't clear — -

you know how those chaps talk — he didn't hear

my question, or chose not to answer it.

Instead, he told me something that, well, hit

me like a load of bricks. You'll never guess…

AGENORA: He didn't say you'd kill your father?

TALIPED: Yes.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: And swive your mother in the prone position?

TALIPED: That's right! How did you guess?

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Just intuition.

I swear, those proph-profs have a one-track mind.

AGENORA: A dirty track at that.

TALIPED: I'm inclined

to think so too.

AGENORA: What happened next?

TALIPED: I quit

my assistant-deanship. Daddy had a fit.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Naturally.

TALIPED: I left the College on sabbatical,

hoping I'd avoid what that fanatical

proph-prof laid on me. I'm still on leave,

and never shall return.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: It makes me heave — -

TALIPED: A sigh, to think I left them in the lurch?

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN:— my lunch, to think of all the great research

I could've managed on a nine-year furlough.

TALIPED: I would have done some, too, except there were no

libraries where I traveled.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: I'll bet not.

TALIPED: In any case, one day I reached that spot

they call the Three-Tined Fork and tried to hitch

a ride to Cadmus with some sonofabitch

who passèd by with his lackeys and who turned up

his old nose at me. Boy, was I burned up!

He wasn't headed for Cadmus, so he shouted;

he told some drunken tale — - no doubt about it,

he was plastered — - of a beast someplace

behind them, with a pretty woman's face

and a lion's body. Naturally I thought

the guy was putting me on, and when I caught

a glimpse of what was sitting on his knees,

I knew the old man was afraid I'd please

her more than he could. "You're a liar," I said.

He had the gall to punch me in the head

just because I called him that and pinched

his girl's backside. Well, of course that clinched

it. First I cut the old man's throat and dumped

him out, to teach him manners. Then I humped

his girlfriend as he bled to death, for sport.

My policy, in cases of this sort,

is first to stab 'em in the belly-button

and then cut other things. She was a glutton

for punishment, this kid — - all kinds of stamina.

1 spent so much time butchering and banging

her, the others almost got away. I found

three, as I recall, hiding around

and underneath the wagon, and of course

dismembered them.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: I'm ill.

TALIPED: I felt remorse afterwards.

AGENORA: Nonsense: you did your duty.

The wretch insulted you. As for his cutie-

pie, she got what she deserved.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: I'm iller.

TALIPED: Sure she did, but shucks, I'm not the killer

type; I'm gentle as a lamb.

AGENORA: And twice

as sexy, big boy.

TALIPED: Killing isn't nice,

even when it's justified, and I

would not have stabbed those fellows in the eye

or carved initials in the girl's behind

unless I'd lost my temper.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN:[Aside]

Or his mind.

And I thought I was sick! He's got some sort

of complex!

TALIPED: Well, to make a long tale short,

the Three-lined Fork is where I blew my gasket.

Perhaps I'm just a worry-wart — -

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN:[Aside]

A basket-

case is what he is.

TALIPED: — but I must hear

this shepherd-fellow tell me not to fear

that it was old Labdakides I killed.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: How could you dream it was?

The roads are filled

with old Cadmusian topers and their staffs

and pretty girlfriends. They ride out for laughs

to Three-Tined Fork and tell hitch-hikers there

a monster-story, just to throw a scare

into them. We lose a lot of folks

that way to angry strangers.

TALIPED: Your bad jokes

will cost you dearly one day. That old fault in

me of getting angry and assaulting

those who cross me — - it's my tragic flaw,

you might say — - well, I have it still. You saw

me threaten old Gynander. A word to the wise…

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN:… is quite enough, sir. I apologize.

AGENORA:[TO COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN]

To me, too, if you know which side your bread

is buttered on. A man no good in bed

should be polite, at least.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Forgive me, Deaness.

AGENORA: You're cute when you're contrite.

TALIPED: I have the keenest

interest in this shepherd's testimony…

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN:[Aside]

Here we go again. I hate this phony

Go-to-any-length-for-Answers bit.

TALIPED: Perhaps he was embarrassed to admit

that he ran off instead of fighting too.