John Barth - Giles Goat-Boy

TALIPED: Like all administrators' wives, she's so

rank-conscious that she'd probably have the vapors

to see it entered on my ID-papers

that I'm some freshman co-ed's son, who laid

her math professor for a better grade.

But I don't give a flunk. I'm just as great

no matter who my folks were. I can't wait

to learn the Answer! Who cares what it is,

as long as it's the Founder's truth? Gee whiz!

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN:[Aside]

Prepare yourselves to see things fall to pieces:

The Dean believes his own press releases.

I was by this time entirely involved with Taliped's resolve to learn his identity. I'd finished my popcorn, and began to eat the tasty box as the committee sang a brief and sprightly song of conjecture about Dean Taliped's parentage, coming curiously to a full stop at each line's end, whether the word was complete or not.

Whoopee! Hooray for truth! The un [STROPHE 1

examined life is not

worth living! Truth will make you free!

And other campus mot

toes of that sort. What is a coll [ANTISTROPHE 1

ege for if not to seek

the truth? Hooray for truth! Whoopee!

I'll bet this time next week

end, when the moon's full, we'll be dan [STROPHE 2

cing up in Dean's Ravine,

where Taliped was transferred out

of Cadmus to the Dean

ery of Isthmus, Gosh! We won [ANTISTROPHE 2

der who his mom can be!

No doubt she was a trustee's wife

or some such high-class fe

male whom the passèd Founder Him [STROPHE 3

self knocked up in the grass.

Dean Taliped's the Founder's son:

a most uncommon bas

tard! [ANTISTROPHE 3

"Hey, I never thought of that!" I whispered to Max. "Do you suppose — "

He met my eyes gravely. "No, my boy."

Dr. Sear identified the approaching scene as the next-to-last, his favorite and the climax of the tragedy. It opened with Dean Taliped, the Committee Chairman, and the Handsome Mailman standing together as before, while from the wings a small old man was dragged in between two burly chaps.

TALIPED: The Campus Cops are on the job, I see.

We'll put the screws to this old boy till we

squeeze out his answers or his worthless life.

[TO COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN]

But first: is he the valet that my wife

was speaking of? I don't have time to torture

ancient shepherds simply for the sport.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: You're

right; that would be wasteful. He's the man,

okay: Labdakide's flunkey.

TALIPED:[TO MAILMAN]

Can you say for sure that he's your former pal?

MAILMAN:Former is right. That's him.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: That's he.

TALIPED: Now cut that out!

[TO SHEPHERD]

Look here, old man, you'd better

speak the truth, the entire truth, et cetera.

SHEPHERD: I wish I was dead.

TALIPED: You may be, soon. Now answer

this: were you Labdakide's man, sir?

SHEPHERD: Yep. I shepped his sheep for quite a spell.

TALIPED: Where'd you mainly shep 'em, pops?

SHEPHERD: Oh well,

let's see: I shepped 'em here and shepped 'em there…

TALIPED: In Dean's Ravine?

SHEPHERD: I shepped 'em everywhere.

Stinking hungry sheep — - they're always eating.

TALIPED: In Dean's Ravine, do you remember meeting

this chap here? This Handsome Mailman type?

SHEPHERD: Nope.

MAILMAN: Come on! It's me you used to gripe

about your boss to, every time the two

of us would split a jug of Mountain Dew.

SHEPHERD: Okay, so we're old pals. Congratulations.

So what?

MAILMAN: Remember our negotiations

about a kid one day? You guaranteed

it was in perfect shape and wouldn't need

repairs before I sold it, flunk your eyes!

SHEPHERD: So sue me. I don't take back merchandise

after thirty years.

MAILMAN: That's not the point.

Tha kid was Taliped, who runs this joint.

SHEPHERD: What are you — - some kind of nut?

TALIPED: I warn

you, Shep: this is the Deanery, not the barn.

There's more than one way to squeeze out facts

from shankers like yourself. We break their backs

and screw their thumbs and stretch 'em on the wheel

and do things to their privates till they squeal.

It's lots of fun, and gets results, too. Break

one finger for him, boys.

SHEPHERD: For Founder's sake,

I'm old and — - ouch! That smartsl Okay, okay,

I'll talkl Ask me somethingl

TALIPED: Did he pay

you for a child once, this man here? And did

you take the cash and hand him one male kid?

SHEPHERD: Yep. I made a killing. Not the kind

I was sent out to make, though.

TALIPED: Never mind.

Where'd you get that kid from, anyhow?

SHEPHERD: Must I tell you?

TALIPED:[TO GUARDS]

Break his finger.

SHEPHERD: Ow!

Two pinkies in two minutes: the heck with that!

The Deanery here is where I got the brat.

TALIPED: The cleaning-lady's kid? Who was the father?

SHEPHERD: I can't say…

TALIPED:[TO GUARDS]

Break his finger.

SHEPHERD: No! Don't bother!

They said the bastard was Labdakides's.

TALIPED: The Dean's himself's!

SHEPHERD: I hope that answer pleases

you. It was his kid.

TALIPED: By Agenora?

SHEPHERD: I didn't ask.

TALIPED: She gave it to you?

SHEPHERD: For a

price I said I'd feed him to the squirrels.

"Squirrels don't eat meat," Peter Greene remarked.

TALIPED: Unnatural mother!

"Indeed she was!" I said, shocked to tears.

SHEPHERD: Well, girls will be girls.

She wasn't too enthusiastic, sir.

TALIPED: Then why'd she do it?

SHEPHERD: Better go ask her.

She gave me some malarkey how she was sure

the kid would kill his dad — - some such manure.

TALIPED: Ai yi! Your answers scare me stiff!

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Me too.

MAILMAN: They don't much bother me.

TALIPED:[TO SHEPHERD]

But, flunk you, if

she save those orders, then you disobeyed!

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: So fire him.

[TO MAILMAN] Oy, these deans!

SHEPHERD: I was afraid

they'd pin the rap on me if things got hot,