John Barth - Giles Goat-Boy

of those two prophecies might snag me yet:

I can't kill my old man, but I might get

to my old lady, since she's still alive.

MAILMAN: Is that your problem, Dean?

TALIPED: That's one.

MAILMAN: Then I've

got news for you. You don't know me, but I

know you from way back when. That nice old guy

in Isthmus and his wife, that used to call

you Sonny, weren't your mom and dad at all.

TALIPED: They weren't?

MAILMAN: No. You needn't have skipped out.

TALIPED: Then who the flunk am I?

AGENORA: Please don't shout;

I have a headache.

TALIPED: What do you think I've got?

Good news, he calls it! Don't you see I'm not

off the Proph-profs hook yet? Look, old man —

AGENORA: He's not so old.

MAILMAN:[TO AGENORA]

You either, kid.

AGENORA:[TO MAILMAN]

You can

put your mail in my box any time.

TALIPED: For Founder's sake get serious, or I'm

a goner! If they weren't my folks, then why'd

they raise me as their son? Why did they hide

the truth from me?

MAILMAN: The Dean and his old lady

kept their mouths shut 'cause they knew how shady

your adoption was. And they promoted

me so I'd shut up. Before I toted

mail I was a shepherd, see, and once

his guy I used to shep with, couple of months

each season, in the hills near Dean's Ravine —

AGENORA: Hey, that's in Cadmus, isn't it?

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: It's between

Cadmus and Isthmus campuses, I think.

MAILMAN: Well, anyhow, my buddy gave a wink

at me one day and asked me if I knew

what he had in his lunch-pail. I said, "Stew."

That's what he usually ate. He said, "Heck, no.

I got a kid for sale, pal, and I'll go

halfies with you if you'll fence him for me…"

AGENORA: That dirty doublecrosser!

MAILMAN: Well, he swore he

couldn't feed some flunking crow or eagle

perfectly good merchandise, illegal

or not.

TALIPED: How tenderhearted.

MAILMAN: What I did,

since he was anxious to unload the kid,

I bought him then and there at the wholesale price.

I'd looked him over quick; he seemed in nice

enough condition — - maybe not too handsome,

but I could get my money back and then some,

I was sure, because the Dean was sterile

and in the baby market. Man, I swear I'll

break that swindling shepherd's neck if ever

I lay eyes on him again! The clever

bastard had the kid wrapped in a sheet,

and when I took it off, I saw his feet

were pegged together, and he was almost dead.

Well, you can imagine what I said!

But it served me right: I'd bought a kid-in-a-poke.

I pulled the peg, and figuring the kid would croak

by morning, sold him to the Dean that night

at cost. Turned out the kid survived, and right

after that I got this job as mailman.

Neither dark of night nor sleet nor hail can

stay me, but the ladies slow me down.

[TO AGENORA]

Bye-bye now, Deaness; next time I'm in town

I'll look you up.

AGENORA: You know my address, hon.

TALIPED:[TO MAILMAN]

Hey, wait! You mean to tell me I'm the one

you bought and sold?

MAILMAN: Are your feet scarred?

TALIPED: They always have been.

MAILMAN: And your ID-card

says Taliped Decanus, does it not?

TALIPED: Of course it does.

MAILMAN: And I guess you know what

Taliped means?

TALIPED: It means "swollen foot."

MAILMAN: You're It, then, pal.

TALIPED: By George! I never put

two and two together until now!

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: A mathematician you aren't. But tell me how

a woman like your wife can go to bed

for nine years with a man named Taliped

and never see his scars!

AGENORA: Listen, tootsie:

you and your wife might like playing footsie,

but when a fellow goes to bed with me,

it isn't his big toe I want to see.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: And yet you must have wondered — -

AGENORA: Will you please

get off my back?

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: When old Labdakides

and you — -

AGENORA: Shut up!

TALIPED: Yes, do. Now, Mailman, tell

me this: where'd he get the child to sell,

this fellow up in Dean's Ravine you shepped with?

MAILMAN: Beats me. It could have been some dame's he'd slept with.

But come to think of it, he didn't look

much like a shepherd — - flashy clothes, no crook — -

/ mean, he was one, but he never carried

one. My guess is that some young unmarried

co-ed had the kid and paid a fee

to make it disappear, you know? If he

had a regular little business going,

it wouldn't surprise me.

TALIPED: Now I'm really growing

curious to interview this pair

of shepherds. Can you fellows tell me where

this crookless crook hangs out, and what's his name?

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: I think, sir, that this fellow is the same

you sent for a while ago.

TALIPED: He gets around!

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: I noticed, sir, that Agenora frowned

at everything the Handsome Mailman said.

Perhaps there's something on her mind.

AGENORA: Drop dead

already! [TO TALIPED] Listen, sweetie, let's forget

this shepherd-type. Who needs him? I say let

well enough alone.

TALIPED: Indeed I won't.

I'll never get my clearance if I don't

correct my ID-card. The folks at Isthmus

won't give me the deanship if I miss

this chance to find out who I am.

AGENORA: Who cares?

I've got enough to think about. If there's

one thing I don't need, it's your life-story.

TALIPED: I think you're worried that some scrub-girl bore me.

So what? It makes me an even grander guy,

that I began so low and rose so high.

AGENORA: I need an aspirin. Maybe the whole bottle.

Find out your name, and all the pills I've got'll

do no good. I'm going to hang this dress

up on the clothesline now. It looks a mess.

But please, lover, take my advice and flunk

this ID-quiz. 'Cause if you don't, we're sunk. [Exits

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: What's eating her? [Aside] As if I didn't know.