John Barth - Giles Goat-Boy

Look who's talking.

TALIPED: Now, now, my dear; I'd never dream of walking

out on you, as you know very well.

AGENORA: Say you love me.

TALIPED: Of course I do.

AGENORA: No, tell

me right.

TALIPED: But, sweetheart…

AGENORA: Now!

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN:[Aside]

It always pays

to hear these things. I'll bet I get a raise

next month, to keep me quiet.

AGENORA: Say it!

TALIPED: Oh,

all right. [Whispers] I wuv —

AGENORA: No, don't just whisper!

TALIPED: So

I'll shout: I WUV OO!

[TO COMMITTEE]

Don't you bastards smile!

AGENORA: Again.

TALIPED: I WUV OO VEWWY MUCH!

[TO BROTHER-IN-LAW]

And I'll

break your grinning head if you don't get

it out of here!

BROTHER-IN-LAW: Oo mean I'm fwee?

TALIPED: I'll bet

I tear you limb from limb, you flunking boozer!

BROTHER-IN-LAW: Hah. You always were a lousy loser. [Exits

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: So what do we do now, Dean Taliped?

TALIPED: Don't ask me. I should've stayed in bed

this morning.

AGENORA: That's my boy! Come on, let's run!

TALIPED: What about Gynander? It's no fun

to be accused of parricide — - and worse!

AGENORA: Forget that old hermaphrodite. The curse

of every campus is its local prophet.

Tell him he should take his charge and stuff it.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Mercy, how unorthodox a view!

AGENORA: All right, so it's unorthodox. So sue

me. Look, I'll prove to you once and for all

what liars proph-profs are: one came to call

on me and my first husband years ago,

just after we were married, and you know

what he told Labdakides would be his fortune?

TALIPED: What?

AGENORA: He said I'd better get an abortion

quick, or else my husband would be killed

by his own son.

TALIPED: And was that curse fulfilled?

AGENORA: Of course not, silly! Naturally I declared

the proph-prof was a liar; but he scared

Labdakides so bad that when our kid

was born — - a boy — - we secretly got rid

of him the way unmarried co-eds do it.

TALIPED: And how was that, I wonder?

AGENORA: Nothing to it:

we stuck a peg or something in his feet

and dumped him in the woods, for crows to eat.

"That's a terrible thing to do!" I cried aloud. "How could anybody do a thing like that?" Until people shushed and chuckled all around me, I was as indignant as I'd been at Troll's misconduct years before. Apparently, however, Agenora herself had not approved of this cruel expedient, for she wiped the hollow eyes of her mask with the hem of her robe and said:

AGENORA: The thought of it still makes me want to throw up.

Labdakides was sure the kid would grow up

and do him in; for my part, I was willing

to take a chance on that instead of killing

our only son. My husband had his way,

but things weren't right between us from that day

until the day I heard that he'd died.

Now listen, and you'll see the proph-prof lied:

Our poor boy never had a chance to clobber

Labdakides; it was some highway robber —

a gang, I mean — - that knocked him off near Isthmus

while he was out weekending with his mistress.

That intersection called the Three-lined Fork

is where they ambushed him and pulled his cork,

and slit his little girlfriend's throat from ear to ear.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: His girlfriend?

AGENORA: What, are you still here?

Yes, I mean that brazen little slut,

his secretary. Was I glad they cut

her up!

TALIPED: Excuse me, dear, but were there two

or four roads at that intersection you

just mentioned?

AGENORA: Are you deaf or something, baby?

Three-Tined Fork is what I said.

TALIPED:[Aside]

Then maybe

old Gynander's not entirely blindl

Good grief!

AGENORA: What is it, doll? Whafs on your mind?

TALIPED: Tell me again: it was a robber gang?

AGENORA: That's what the valet said who came and flung

himself before me. Four or five, he swore,

attacked my husband and that little whore.

They were so busy murdering and raping,

they didn't notice he was escaping.

He said it was a gang, and begged a transfer

to the sheep-barns.

TALIPED: I must hear that answer

from the man himself. I wish you'd ask your

maid to fetch him.

AGENORA:/ put him out to pasture

years ago; but he can always leave.

TALIPED: Send for him, then. My dear, you won't believe

what I'm about to tell you…

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN:[Aside]

Here we go:

another monster-story.

TALIPED: Sure, I know

I look as perfect as you think I am:

handsome, brave, and smart —

AGENORA:Sexy, lamb,

not smart.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN:[Aside]

Not modest, either.

TALIPED: I'm so swell,

you probably won't believe me when I tell

you that I once did something bad…

AGENORA: I'll try.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Me too.

TALIPED: Are you still here?

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Where else?

TALIPED: Then l

will tell you both of the one indiscretion

in an otherwise faultless life. This whole confession

is off the record, naturally.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Oh, sure.

TALIPED: I know you've often asked yourselves before:

"Where did our clever, handsome dean come from?"

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: I stay awake nights wondering that.

TALIPED: "How come

he came here?" you have doubtless asked each other.

"Who was his daddy, and who was his mother?"

Well, it's this way: Once upon a time — -

AGENORA: Spare us the details, hon.

TALIPED: All right, I'm

from Isthmus College, where the dean's my dad.

I was his fair-haired boy — - you see I had

it made there. I would be their dean today,

except I heard a drunk old poet say

at someone's cocktail party that I wasn't