John Barth - Giles Goat-Boy

Ah well, forget it. Do your hocus-pocus,

if you please, and tell us who the bloke is

that we're after.

GYNANDER: Goodness gracious me.

It isn't any fun at all to see

the Answers when they're always such bad newsl

How could I have forgotten that? Excuse

me, Taliped, my dear; I hope you'll let

us go now. [TO BOY] Lead me home again, my pet.

TALIPED: Oh no you don't! Hold on there, sonny boyl

Now listen here, Gynander: don't be coy

with me. I see your racket: you allow

as how you know some deep dark truth, then vow

it's much too terrible to tell. Your tracks

are nicely covered, aren't they?

GYNANDER: One who lacks

eyes may see what sharp-eyed deans are blind to.

TALIPED: Is that a fact! By George, I've half a mind to

haul you in for obstructing justice. That

would fix you! If you weren't blind as a bat

I'd say you knocked off Dean Labdakides

yourself!

GYNANDER:[Aside]

And he calls me blind! When he sees

the flunking mess he's in, he'll see he's blinder!

TALIPED: Proph-prof — - ha! When that old bitch resigned her

bloody post as College Entrance Riddler,

it wasn't you who'd found out how to diddle her,

was it? No indeed! You had to wait

till Taliped Decanus reached the gate,

didn't you? I had no crystal ball

or magic charms like Doctor Know-It-AIl;

brains were all I had, man! When she said:

"Answer this question quickly, or you're dead:

What mother eats up all her children, hey?"

I didn't dance in circles; I didn't say:

"I know the answer, ma'am, but it's outlandish,

so I won't tell it." She'd have made a sandwich

out of me if I'd pulled those old tricks!

Intelligence was what it took to fix

her wagon! I said, "Nothing to it, Grampus:

the mom that eats her kids is Mother Campus —

matter of fact, she's having you for supperl"

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN:[Aside]

"Hearing this, the fearsome beast threw up her

paws and died as if a spear were in her

heart," et cetera. /'// throw up my dinner

if I have to hear that bragging tale again.

TALIPED: No clairvoyance, Gynander: just my brain,

my passèd human brain — that's what it took!

GYNANDER: Then use your passèd brain to find the crook,

since you're so good at riddles. Here's a clue:

Know yourself. Begin your search with you.

You'll see the man you're after in a mirror;

take your falseface off — - you'll see him clearer.

TALIPED: We see a flunking traitor; that's what we see!

A nasty, scheming, blind old AC/DC

traitor to the College! My wife's brother's

in cahoots with you, I'll bet — - and others

too, no doubt. I see your pretty plot:

you'll pin the rap on me, and when you've got

me banished from the place, my brother-in-law

and you will be co-deans. I never saw

such flunkèdnessl

GYNANDER: Your brother-in-law's a fool,

but you're a nut. When this play's over you'll

regret you made that silly vow of yours.

You tragic-hero types are bloody bores.

Who are you, Taliped? Say who your dad was!

Where were you born? Why'd you come to Cadmus?

Why marry Agenora and no other — -

a woman old enough to be your mother?

Labdakides himself could hardly stand her!

You're the blind one, Dean; not old Gynander,

TALIPED: Be glad you're old; I'd have your derrière

on a platter if you weren't old, you fairy!

Because I haven't bragged about my past, sir,

you make me out to be some nameless bastard,

and tell me ifs unnatural to enjoy

a woman who is — - well, mature…

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN:[Aside]

Oh, boy,

that gal's mature, all right! Poor Agenora — -

she'd be senile if she were maturerl

TALIPED:[TO GYNANDER]

There seems to be no end to your affronts

and dark insinuations!

GYNANDER: Let me once

again declare, more clearly than before,

the ugly answer to our problems: You're

the wretch you want. You'll see, when Scene Four's done,

that you're your daughter's brother, your own stepson

and foster-father, uncle to your cousin,

your brother-in-law's nephew, and (as if that wasn't

enough) a parricide — - and matriphile!

Bye-bye now, Taliped. You call me vile,

but your two crimes will have us all upchucking:

father-murdering and mother —

TALIPED: Ducking

out won't save you! You'll hear from me!

GYNANDER: You killed your daddy.

TALIPED: No!

GYNANDER: You shagged your mommy.

With these last dreadful words the old man withdrew, led by the youngster. The Committee Chairman restrained Taliped from assaulting him, and presently the Dean retired, much agitated, into the Deanery, pausing on the doorsill to shake his fist at the crabbed back of the Proph-prof Emeritus. The Chairman then gathered the committee around him to sing an ode on this appalling new development. This time they danced in pairs and clapped their hands three times sharply at the end of the longer lines.

Things have gone from bad to worse, [STROPHE 1

And in singsong doggerel verse

We will sing a song of things that make us stagger:

First the Founder's Hall Proph-prof,

Then Gynander sounded off,

And it seems as though the Dean's a mother-shagger.

Though he's often made us sore, [ANTISTROPHE 1

No one's called him that before;

So we trust Gynander's just a little batty.

It's a first-class tragic trauma

To be told you've humped your momma,

And to further hear you've murthered dear old Daddy.

But Dean Taliped's no dummy; [STROPHE 2

Agenora's not his mummy

(Even if she's over fifty, which she sure is).

Though the old dean came a cropper,

He could not have been the poppa

Of a lad who came to Cadmus as a tourist.

So we won't believe the slander [ANTISTROPHE 2

That our old Proph-prof, Gynander,

Made us ill with — - not until it's verified.

Since the Dean pays us our wages,

We declare the charge outrageous

And quite false. The Dean's our boss. Gynander lied.

Dean Taliped's brother-in-law now strode onstage and commenced the second episode by addressing the Committee Chairman:

BROTHER-IN-LAW: Just now I met that sly old pederast

Gynander, with his boyfriend, and I asked

him how his interview with Taliped

had gone. If half of what the bugger said

is true, then cross my heart and hope to flunk

if I don't break the neck of that young skunk

my sister had the lack of sense to marry.

Called me a traitor, did he? I declare!

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: He

did say something of the sort, I'm sure.