John Barth - Giles Goat-Boy

BROTHER-IN-LAW: I'll slug him!

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: What, and lose your sinecure?

I'll bet you will.

BROTHER-IN-LAW: A whipping-boy — - that's what

he's looking for! This guff about a plot

against him is a way to pass the buck

for his bad judgment.

[Enter TALIPED, from Deanery]

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Well, I wish you luck;

you're going to need it.

BROTHER-IN-LAW: Hah! I've half a mind to

punch his nose!

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: He's standing right behind you.

BROTHER-IN-LAW: He who — - Oh, hi there, Taliped, old buddyl

Ha ha! I was just saying how that cruddy

Proph-prof ought to be hauled in for selling

baloney without a license. I was telling

my old friend here that. Ha ha! Ha! Ha.

TALIPED: He said I murdered Pa and mounted Ma.

BROTHER-IN-LAW: Gynander said that? Wait till I see him!

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN:[TO BROTHER-IN-LAW]

Don't sock the Dean too hard.

BROTHER-IN-LAW:[TO TALIPED]

/ ought to trim

the rascal's ears back for him!

TALIPED: And I ought

to break your scheming neck for you! You thought

I didn't see what you were up to? Haw!

Gynander and my own dear brother-in-law!

Who would've thought you had the guts?

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: He doesn't,

Taliped, believe me.

BROTHER-IN-LAW:[TO COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN]

Thanks.

TALIPED: It wasn't

him who hatched the plot?

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: It wasn't he.

BROTHER-IN-LAW: No, sir, it wasn't me.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN:I.

TALIPED: Yes sirree,

I think it was. Why did Gynander wait

nine years to speak? When I came through the gate

of Cadmus that first time, he could have made

his crazy speech. The truth is, he was paid

to tell those lies today.

[TO BROTHER-IN-LAW]

You want to be

the dean, right?

BROTHER-IN-LAW: Wrong. It wasn't me.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: It wasn't I.

TALIPED:[TO COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN]

Who said it was?

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Excuse me.

BROTHER-IN-LAW:[TO TALIPED]

Consider this, sir, and you won't accuse me:

Why would I want your job, when my own

is so much better? You don't hear me groan,

like you, about long hours and great mobs

of nincompoops to deal with.

TALIPED: No.

BROTHER-IN-LAW: My job's

an easy job.

TALIPED: The easiest.

BROTHER-IN-LAW: It pays me

well enough.

TALIPED: Too well.

BROTHER-IN-LAW: I'd be crazy

to want the deanship. You don't get the credit

when things go well; the teachers do.

TALIPED: You said it.

BROTHER-IN-LAW: And yet when things go wrong you take the blame.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN:[Aside]

Not if he can help it.

TALIPED: All the same,

I say you're out to get me, and since I'm

the dean, what I say goes.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN:[Aside]

Now there's a prime

example of his keen intelligencel

BROTHER-IN-LAW: You're not a dean, sir, when you don't talk sense.

TALIPED: For Cadmus' sake!

BROTHER-IN-LAW: This joint's my alma mater;

it isn't yours.

TALIPED: Oh boy, you're in hot water

[Enter AGENORA, from Deanery]

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Hey, look: here comes old Agenora.

[Aside]

That woman can't resist a quarrel or a

man. Her tongue is second to none for meanness,

and she'll sleep with anything that has a — -

[TO AGENORA]

Deaness,

dear! How nice you look today! So young!

AGENORA: And you're so gallant. Pity you're not well hung.

[TO TALIPED]

What's going on here, lover? Gee, you're cute

when something makes you angry.

BROTHER-IN-LAW: The dispute

you overheard was Taliped accusing

me of treason!

AGENORA: That's the most amusing

poppycock I've heard all day.

TALIPED: It's true.

AGENORA: You're handsome, strong, and sexy, doll, but you

don't have as much upstairs as down below.

Him a traitor! Sweetums, don't you know

he couldn't hurt a flea? He's such a lily!

BROTHER-IN-LAW: Thanks a lot, Sis.

AGENORA: Now, then: quit this silly

squabbling, before Momma spanks you both.

My brother signed the Cadmus loyalty oath;

that proves he's loyal, doesn't it? Of course.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN:[Aside]

She reasons like the Dean himself.

[TO TALIPED]

There's force

in what she says, sir.

AGENORA: Who asked you?

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Beg pardon,

beautiful. [Aside] / couldn't get a hard on

with such a sharp-tongued, nymphomanic sow

even to gain a deanship — - which is how

young Taliped got where he is today.

AGENORA: "Peace in the Deanery," I always say.

Let's have one now, all right? It's been a while.

Forget this treason nonsense, love, and I'll

show you what the old dean used to run for.

TALIPED: Close your mouth once! Don't you see I'm done for

if he's not guilty? It's a doggone sticky

spot I'm in! This loudmouth Chairman tricked me

into promising I'd sack whoever

killed Labdakides, and then your clever

brother paid Gynander to pretend

that I'm the guilty one. Should I suspend

myself? It's me or your flunking brother!

AGENORA: My little man's upset! Come here to Mother…

TALIPED: For Founder's sake, don't talk like that! Not here

in public, anyhow.

AGENORA: All right, my dear;

you always used to like it, though, when I'd

talk baby-talk to you, and we'd play hide-

and-seek at night upstairs, all mother-naked — -

TALIPED: There you go again, for pity's sake! It

isn't like it used to be!

AGENORA: It sure

isn't! You don't love me any more!

TALIPED: Agenora, dear — -

AGENORA: You think because

you're young and I'm beginning menopause

it's quite all right to ditch me now and take

a crack at some young co-ed on the make!

You men — - that's all you think of!

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN:[Aside]