John Barth - Giles Goat-Boy

"This is the párodos," Sear whispered. "They sing and dance."

As I heard of dancing before but never seen any except in Stoker's Living Room, I attended the line of committeemen with interest. First they stepped sideways to the left, in unison, singing in a kind of chant and taking one step to each accented beat of the rhythm:

O Founder all-potent and — wise,

Who sees with unspectacled eyes:

You must see that we're

All spitless with fear

Since You laid on this latest surprise.

They then danced back again in the same manner, regaining their original position at the end of a stanza equal in length to the first:

To You, Sir, we come for advice,

Because (like we said) You're so wise.

You rescued us once, Sir,

From the jaws of the monster;

For pity's sake rescue us twice.

These separate dances Dr. Sear called strophes and anti-strophes, and he excused the committee's bad grammar on the grounds that probably no more than one member was from the Language and Literature Department. There were two other pairs of stanzas:

Cadmus College is half down the drain: [STROPHE 2

The drop-outs are dropping like rain;

Tuition's outrageous;

The kids are rampageous;

And all people do is complain.

No wisdom or virtue survives: [ANTISTROPHE 2

Small boys prowl the streets with large knives.

Student morals are looser:

What they do when they woo, Sir,

We don't even do with our wives.

"What do you suppose that could be?" asked Peter Greene, but no one answered him. The committee's complaint greatly moved the audience, many of whom murmured assent or blew their noses into paper tissues.

All classes of woes seem to ail us; [STROPHE 3

For pity's sake pass us or fail us!

Things look pretty quiet,

But we're all set to riot

Against these dark foes that assail us.

On this strophe the dance had been rearwards; now in the closing antistrophe the committee marched forward, its voice rising strongly over the burst of applause from the spectators:

Our enemy's strong, and he's clever, [ANTISTROPHE 3

And we're fairly stupid. However,

We hope that our Founder'll

Search out the scoundrel

And flunk him forever and ever!

So great was the response to this last supplication that although Taliped reappeared from the Deanery door in time to hear it, and raised his hand for silence, it was some time before he could make himself heard.

"Conservative hysteria," Max grumbled. "Always leads to persecution."

"Now comes the first episode," Sear whispered to me. The audience grew quiet.

TALIPED: Come on; there's no use moaning to the Founder.

Let's put our own IQ's to work. It's sounder

and also more reliable.

"I'll say it is," Max said.

TALIPED: now look:

It seems to me the surest way to hook

the fish we're after is to make it clear

that anyone can speak up without fear

who has a tip of any sort. I won't

ask why he didn't speak up sooner; don't

fear that. But on the other hand, by gum,

if any prof or student knows the bum

who turned my wife's first husband off, he'd better

come across, in person or by letter:

the penalty for silence is suspension.

The killer of the old dean (not to mention

his stenographer and other lackeys)

will suffer more: his punishment, in fact, is

going to be total flunkage and expulsion

from the College. Such is my revulsion

for deanicide, I won't hesitate

to drive the rascal out myself; I hate

him in advance! Even if it should

turn out to be a relative, I would

put it to him without mercy. I'm

as hot and bothered over this old crime

as if I'd seen it happen. Can you hear

this vow I'm vowing, you folks in the rear?

I couldn't more despise the killer had he

killed, not my predecessor, but my daddy!

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN:[Aside]

At least he talks a good investigation,

and vows a pretty vow. In Proclamation

One, an undergraduate course, we teach

that sort of thing.

[TO TALIPED]

Look here, I'll swear no speech-

professor's guilty of the deed, or of

withholding evidence.

TALIPED: Because they love

to talk, but not to act. What's on your mind?

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: This, sir: Was the Proph-prof

disinclined to give your brother-in-law the killer's name,

or didn't he know it?

TALIPED: Beats me.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: I don't blame

him, understand; he's not a bad advisor.

I wonder, though, if it might not be wiser

in this case to get all the help we can.

TALIPED: A stunning inspiration. Whafs your plan?

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Let's call in Gynander, the Proph-prof

Emeritus. That old boy knows his stuff,

you must admit — - although you think he's swishy.

TALIPED:Think, man! I know there's something fishy

about that guy. You've heard the standard tale —

how he was male at first and then female,

and then turned male again. That was his brag, at

least. Myself, I think the guy's a faggot.

But never mind: we deans soon learn to work

with every sort of crank and queer and quirk;

if I cashiered for moral turpitude

adulterers and faggots — - those who've screwed

their colleagues' wives, or shacked up with each other,

or humped their dog, their sister, or their mother —

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Mother? Blah!

TALIPED:— I'd lose four out of five

of my best men. So what I say is, "Swive

away, my friends! Be cocksmen, dykes, or fairies — -

but stay out of the pants of secretaries,

and please don't lay your students."

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: That seems just.

TALIPED: Now, speaking of Gynander: I don't trust

the blind old fag as far as I could throw

him, but I told my brother-in-law to go

and fetch him anyhow, to please you birds.

Here he comes now, right on cue.

COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: His Words

of prophecy are always good.

TALIPED: For a laugh.

A youngster now led onstage an old man with a stick, who except that his beard had a tint of henna looked even more like Max than did the Committee Chairman.

"There's my Grand Tutor!" Dr. Sear exclaimed. "Give me Gynander, and you can keep your Enos Enoch."

TALIPED:[TO GYNANDER]

Hello there, old blind Proph-prof with a staff!

How's by you? I guess you wonder why

we took you out of mothballs, huh?

GYNANDER:[Looks around until he locates voice]

Oh, hi.

TALIPED: On second thought, you know without my telling

you, unless it's true that you've been selling

us a bill of goods. At Founder's Hall

they speak of you as Doctor Know-It-All:

how come you didn't know we were in trouble

and hustle yourself down here on the double?