H. Adler - Panorama

When someone is interested, there are long discussions, and Herr Neumann has to give them plenty of free plum brandy, while everyone who is there has to continue to remind people what a special opportunity it is, for the harvest is very good from that field. But often nothing comes of it, the farmers are wily and do not believe they’re being told the truth, as they hold on to every bit of money they can and always want to pay less than Herr Neumann is asking, he not able to go any lower, which then causes them all to get into the barouche and ride out again, the people maintaining that they need to look at the property again if they are going to buy it, otherwise it’s like buying a cat in a bag, the price still too high, and they don’t really need to buy right now, for then they will only have more work to do to tend it, which is why it really has to be a good price. Selling property takes so much effort on Herr Neumann’s part that Josef wonders why he does it at all, it seems only to cause him grief. Josef also doesn’t understand how you sell something that never really belongs to you, for the people who want to sell a piece of property could just sell it directly to those who want to buy it, or just place an ad in the newspaper, and then Herr Neumann would have no more problems, though Arthur tells Josef that selling property is an important trade, for people tend not to come to agreement on their own, nor do they have as many addresses and contacts as Herr Neumann, who then gets some money from both the seller and the buyer, which is called the commission, a completely legitimate transaction that Herr Neumann then has to pay tax on. Whenever Herr Neumann finally closes a deal, he still has more expenses to cover, for sometimes the sellers show up, as well as the buyers, all of them sitting down together in the kitchen, Herma then having lots to do, along with Poldi and the others, in order to feed them, as they serve up many shot glasses that don’t contain regular schnapps but rather a special kind that Rudolf or Fritz mixes up out of spirits and essences. Josef wouldn’t want to have anything to do with such a business when he grows up, for he’d be happy with just the store, though he doesn’t really think about what he wants to become, except that it won’t be a doctor, as Herma says, “When you don’t know what you want to become, then fate will find its own way. Perhaps you’ll follow in the footsteps of your father.”

But that’s not all that Herr Neumann does, for since he owns a business there is a lot to do, fields and meadows and a little bit of woods are all located outside Umlowitz, but the center of it all is the kitchen, which you enter through a huge passageway not often used to access the street, this being where the barouche stands, though it’s used only on Sundays or in the evenings when the shop is closed, while to enter you do so not through a large gate but through a little door that is built into the gate. From the entrance some steps lead up to the second floor, but below you continue on into the courtyard, where chickens, ducks, and geese run about, a large dung heap to the left and behind it the chicken coop, which is just across from the pigeon cote, while beyond is the pigsty and farther on the horses, though Josef doesn’t like to go there, because the smell is so sharp in his nose. Josef is amazed that Toni can stand it for so long, though he smokes a strong-smelling pipe that he has filled with nasty tobacco, the pipe dangling from his mouth even when it’s not lit, while Toni is almost always smoking. His pipe is made of porcelain, on which is printed the face of Emperor Franz Josef, who is already dead, there no longer being any emperor, as with the founding of the republic he’s been done away with, but Toni says that it doesn’t matter that there is no more emperor, for the pipe is old and he still likes it, and it’s okay that the emperor is still on it. A long green tassel that is badly stained also hangs from the pipe, Josef never touching the pipe, especially the long mouthpiece, for when Toni quietly takes it apart dark brown juice flows from it that stinks and looks like the liquid manure from the dung heap, though the juice smells different and stays in his nose even more than the manure, Toni then putting the pipe back together, sticking it in his mouth and spitting. He also spits in the kitchen, where he has a large mug of coffee that is always waiting for him when he gets back from a trip. Toni also spits in the store, though everyone spits there, never once using the spittoon that sits in the corner, the floor covered with spit, Josef surprised that no one is disgusted by it, and that Herr Neumann never says anything about it. Sometimes he spits as well and smokes a pipe, but one not as bad as Toni’s and not always the same one, since he has a stand full of pipes that are of different lengths, himself making a funny noise when he smokes, like when you say a soft “p,” and because Otto loves that Herr Neumann does it over and over. Toni also makes a noise when he smokes, but it’s not really a “p” but rather something different that’s hard to describe. Herr Neumann’s tobacco doesn’t smell half as bad as Toni’s, which sometimes one can hardly stand, especially when Toni blows smoke in Josef’s face, Josef turning his head away, Herma reminding him that Toni doesn’t do it on purpose, as it’s what he’s used to doing, and no one has ever told him that it’s bothersome.

At first Josef thought that Toni smokes only because he also can’t stand the smell of the horses, but Fritz had said that you get used to that, for it’s not so bad, Josef unable to stand it only because he’s from the city, where children often have never seen a horse stall, which makes it harder to get used to later on, though in reality the smell is good for you, for it contains ammonia. But Fritz couldn’t say exactly what ammonia was, or why the smell is supposed to be so good for you, he simply said that it just was, and that ammonia smelled like what you smelled in the horse stall, which is why Josef asked Herma if she could tell him what ammonia was, to which she answered, “It’s the same as salmiac.” He couldn’t understand why salmiac would be considered healthy, for it stinks so bad, and even as a little boy it bothered his nose so much that tears came to his eyes, he preferring that stains be cleaned away with gasoline or turpentine, for these are much better because they smell more pleasant, and Josef would much prefer it if the horse stall smelled like turpentine or gasoline. But the awful ammonia doesn’t bother Toni, he is even able to sometimes sleep on a blanket in the stall, Herma explaining that his wife was a vixen, which means a bad woman, who likes to hit him and take away his wages, keeping it all for herself and leaving nothing for him, even though he never gets drunk and has no more than six glasses of beer and a couple of shots. The vixen also gives Toni very little to eat, and when he doesn’t get enough from Herma he goes hungry, though at night she gives him a little kettle of potatoes and a jar of cream soup, Toni dipping each potato into the soup and eating it in one gulp, for he bites into them only when the potatoes are huge. In the stall Toni gives the horses something to eat and drink, grooming them as well until their coats shine, for when they are not shiny enough Arthur throws a fit, since he keeps his eyes peeled, everyone in the house afraid of him, for he wants everything done right and won’t allow losses to accrue, as he says.

Though they complain about Arthur and give him a hard time, he is still good enough to help out with any kind of work, people saying that he works like a horse, only Herma herself as diligent or Herr Neumann, but in addition, because he tends to both everything and nothing at once, he has a lot on his mind, such as the farm, which is why Toni sometimes doesn’t drive the wagon to the station but instead out to the fields, helping with the plowing or the harvesting, Arthur saying that old Toni is the best at the plow, and that maybe Fritz will someday be just as good, but not he. Because Toni doesn’t know how to write and only barely reads, he never reads The Farmer’s Almanac . That’s the almanac that Poldi always reads so that she can pass on all the stories in it, she being able to write as well, though Toni can only write his name, which he does once a week when he gets his pay, writing out his entire name, Anton Pascher, on a receipt for Arthur, though it’s not much more than a scrawl, despite his being able to count just fine.