Fuminori Nakamura - Last Winter We Parted

There was no way that he could have her. And yet, he didn’t want to be a nuisance to her either. Of course, it’s not like any of the dolls are made of wood. They’re silicone. You can have sex with them, if you want. I wonder if he’s still living with that doll … It’s repulsive to imagine a life like that, right? But then, isn’t everybody, to varying degrees, restored in some way? I mean, inside their own heads. A person who imagines having sex with a celebrity as they flip through a magazine’s photo spread understands the actual existence of that celebrity, don’t they? The mind makes up for what’s missing. When a woman thinks about a man she loves, she is restoring him in her mind, right? To some extent, the woman tailors the image to suit her. It’s simply one way of putting it — whether it’s in our imagination or as a doll, we as individuals all have the potential to be restored in various ways. Don’t you think?

I mean, in this world there are too many things we want that we can’t have.

… Are you planning to interview the doll creator as well? I figure you’ll go see him even if you end up giving up on this, so I have conditions. There are dos and don’ts about interviewing him. So before you meet with him you must make sure to let me know. Still, even now, I can’t help wondering … How is it that a person like him is able to live his life, without ever violating any laws?

AKARI KIHARAZAKA’S APARTMENT. The scent of perfume is in the air.

In the dining room there is a table, with two long white sofas behind it. Between the sofas is a low table. There is no television.

“… So you actually came.”

She smiles as she says this.

“I didn’t think you had the courage.”

With her back to me, she pulls a bottle of wine out of the rack. She is wearing a white blouse over a short black skirt. There is a design on her black stockings. It is a pattern of branches that look like they might strangle something.

She takes her glass and, rather than sit on a chair at the dining table, she sinks down onto the sofa. She hands a glass to me as well. When I take it from her, my fingers brush hers.

“… This seems like expensive wine.”

“Hmm … Does it?”

I begin to feel uncomfortable, so I take out a cigarette. But she murmurs, “No smoking.”

“… Sorry.”

“No. There’s no need to apologize.”

She withdraws a cigarette from her own cigarette case and lights it. She smiles as she looks at me.

“It’s okay for me to. But not for you.”

There is a curtain drawn at the back of the room. I figure her bedroom must be on the other side. I take a sip of wine. The warmth of the alcohol spreads through my body.

“… Kiharazaka’s photo, from a long time ago.”

“Yes, I have it.”

She places an envelope on the low table. She takes out the contents. It is an old photo. A photo of two children.

“… There’s a resemblance.”

“To what?”

“To each other.”

A thin boy and girl are sitting on a bench in a park. The girl is looking somewhere off in the distance, and the boy is looking at the girl. Both of them wear vulnerable expressions. They seem as though they have been mistakenly left behind in the world. The girl has on a dress, and the boy wears a white T-shirt over blue shorts.

“Who took this photo?”

“Someone from the institution … I couldn’t throw it away.”

“It’s a nice photo.”

“Isn’t it? But you can’t put it in the book.”

She takes a sip of wine. I realize that she must have been drunk before I got there.

“… Do you want a cigarette?”

“… No.”

“I see. Well, you can’t smoke.”

She smiles.

“Actually, there is another photo … Yudai sent it to me a while ago. I think he had kept it to himself, this photo of me … I was very surprised.”

“Where is that photo?”

“No,” she says. “I won’t show it to you. I hate that photo. It reveals my true nature … Ruthlessly.”

“Your true nature?… What do you mean?”

“Well …”

She stares at me. With concern. But as if she is trying to draw me in. Softly, she begins to speak.

“You’ve been giving me that look all along.”

I catch my breath. My heart starts to race.

“… What look?”

“Longing. Like you want me … You ask a lot of questions for a coward.”

She settles more deeply into the sofa. Distancing herself a bit from me. Her legs are uncrossed. Gently she smoothes the hem of her skirt.

“Ever since you first saw me … Possibly ever since you first saw my photo. What kinds of things have you been thinking about? Having your way with me, in your own mind?”

“… Have I bothered you?”

“Another question.”

She reaches toward the envelope that is on the table. I grasp her hand. Her cold, slender fingers. She parts her lips.

“But you have someone special … Yukie.”

Instinctively I look at her.

“How do you know that?”

She smiles as she pulls her hand away.

“I investigated. Didn’t you, too? Wouldn’t it be unfair if I were the only one being scrutinized? You shouldn’t be looking at me that way when you have such a special person in your life.”

She keeps looking at me. With concern. Under her blouse, an orange bra shows through.

“… It’s over with her.”

“You’re a bad liar. Bad liars bore me.”

She stands up.

“But anyway, you can’t handle this. I would require a much bigger commitment from you.”

“… What do you mean?”

“Well … It would be bold of you even just to imagine it. Isn’t that right?”

She looks at me with concern again. Then she turns her back on me and walks toward the curtain at the back.

“… Please leave now. I’m going into the bedroom to change.”

She turns around.

“… Or would you force your way into my bedroom?”

She smiles as she says this. I am badly shaken, and she is watching me with pity.

“… Would you grab me while I was changing, strip me, hold me down while I resisted, and make love to me?… Would you kiss me against my will, not caring as I struggled against you, putting your hands all over my body, using such force until I ultimately submit to you … That would be way too much for someone with such a naïve little girlfriend.”

She goes into the bedroom. I stand up and follow her, putting my arms around her from behind. I kiss her. As hard as I can. Her arms wrap around my back. Her tongue moves around gently inside my mouth.

“… I thought you didn’t want me to.”

She pulls her lips away to speak.

“If you do all those things to me, I won’t let you go. Not until you are completely ruined.”

She looks at me as if she pities me for being as worked up as I am. With that same look on her face, she brings her lips close to mine again. Her tongue intertwines with mine. She keeps her eyes narrowly open and, while continuing to stare at me, she kisses me as if she were inhaling me. I caress her breasts. Her scent wafts through the room. I let my lips trail across her neck. She unfastens the belt on my pants.

“You’ll hate me soon enough. You’re still not ready for this.”

As she speaks, she touches my penis. Caringly, as if she is even more concerned about my penis. Watching with studied amazement, now that I am so erect. She moves her fingers up and down.

“If you leave that girl Yukie, I’ll do it for you. I’ll do anything for you. But … not today.”

She keeps moving her fingers. Warmth and pleasure rise up. Her tongue darts into my mouth again.

“Do you like it like this? Or this way?”