Fuminori Nakamura - Last Winter We Parted

“… Is that when you met the doll maker?”

“I never thought he’d be such an unassuming person … To be honest, I had just figured I’d listen to what he had to say. I couldn’t imagine the prospect of living with a doll. But then when I saw his collection, I was stunned. I couldn’t believe how beautiful they were.”

Saito’s eyes are moist from the alcohol.

“Strangely enough, they were actually more appealing than real women … I gave it a shot and asked him if he’d make one for me. A doll that resembled her … But at that time, the doll maker said that was taboo.”

“… Taboo?”

“That’s right. He said that he had never created one based on a living person before. That it was very dangerous to do so. And that he was committed to creating the dolls so that people would never forget those who had passed away … Yet he made one for me. He must have realized the dreadful state I was in. That’s just how kind a man he is.”

Saito smiles vaguely.

“When I saw the finished doll … I was really surprised. It was her, right there in front of me. In fact, the doll was even more beautiful than she was in real life. The doll was smiling. I don’t know if it was directed at me but she was smiling all the same. As if she accepted all of my madness … But I know about the rumors. That I was hearing voices.”

He stops suddenly at that point.

“… What do you mean?”

“To kill the real her.”

Saito is staring absentmindedly at something just off to my left.

“I knew I couldn’t do it. Still, she kept telling me to … You think I’m a lunatic, don’t you? But … that really doesn’t matter. Who cares what everybody else thinks is normal?… But I wouldn’t cross that line. Because, like I said before, I was a coward. Then, the real her died. As you know, it was bad luck. All because that stupid bartender was driving drunk, even though she was in the car. But — can I tell you this? This is a horrible thing to say …”

Saito looks directly at me for the first time since we have been in the bar.

“I wasn’t the least bit sad. And that’s not all … From then on, the doll began to look even more beautiful .”

He is still looking at me.

“And to make matters worse, I told this to Yudai Kiharazaka.”

“Kiharazaka? You knew him?”

“Yes. I saw him a few times at the doll maker’s mansion. That’s when … I told him about it.”

Saito looks down.

“That’s what I meant when I said that I was to blame. Because I talked to him about this. That’s the reason I agreed to your interview. I couldn’t let it go as if it were someone else’s problem.”

“… What do you mean?”

“What?” He looks at me again. “What are you saying? Haven’t you interviewed him yourself?”

“I have, but …”

“I’m surprised. This is too much for you. Writing a book about him.” Saito raises his voice just a little. “Do you happen to know the kind of effect people have on him?”

“What?”

“You have no idea. He … He has no desires .”

I am distractedly watching the shadows that continue to appear on the right side of his body.

“But Yudai Kiharazaka, he’s so obsessed with his photography that he would do that, kill two women.”

“Yes, he certainly is intense. But his intensity is different from his desires. Nothing exists there, inside his mind. You’re mistaken about him.”

Saito stares at me.

“This is too much for you. You should go and talk to the doll maker. He can probably speak to you logically about Kiharazaka. I bet you’ll learn something besides the facts you want to know. Also, Kiharazaka may be intense, but how did his madness turn him into an actual murderer? … That’s something I just can’t understand. No matter how easily influenced he may be.”

“How did his madness turn him into an actual murderer …?”

“Right. He didn’t take any photographs of their deaths, he simply gave in to the violence and was consumed by it. What could have possibly happened to him? ”

Saito suddenly stands up.

“In any case, that’s all I have to say. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. But … I’m also to blame.”

“Please wait.”

I also stand up. He looks at me. As if for some reason he feels sorry for me.

“If you’ll forgive me, I’ll ask a different question. This may sound strange … But you … you seem like a guy who would be popular with women. Please, I hope you’re not offended, but you don’t look like the kind of person who lives with a doll.”

He stands there for a moment, and then he sits down again resignedly.

“Your question is uninteresting.”

“… I apologize.”

He smiles vaguely again at my words, and then replies.

“For example … Even if you loved someone to death, even if you thought there was absolutely no one else besides that person … after you break up with that person, eventually you would be able to feel something like that for someone else. Because otherwise, it would be impossible to go on living … Isn’t that right?”

“… Yes.”

“Love is not absolute. But such incomprehensible things are rare in this world. I’ve had normal relationships. I meet someone, then we break up, and I wallow in it … But she was really special. I never thought I would turn into a stalker. Well, I guess I’ve always had the potential for that sort of inclination, but … Anyway.”

Saito stands up again as if indicating that he intends to leave this time, no matter what I say.

“The real her is no longer here. I … I prefer ‘dolls’ to people. You seem like a pretty happy guy, so I’ll tell you just one thing. When I used to be with women, sometimes I would have trouble, you know, like ED … But now, with the ‘doll,’ that hasn’t happened once.”

That vague smile.

“… But you shouldn’t put that in your book. People wouldn’t like that. Don’t you agree? You have to write in a way that will satisfy many people, by distorting human darkness and light — the way they do in manga. You ought to be well suited to that.”

I EMERGE FROM the narrow alley and cross the railroad crossing.

I am drunk, with no idea why.

Maybe I am feeling depressed. Maybe I am exhausted from all this investigating Kiharazaka. A happy guy? What was that guy Saito talking about? Aren’t I just trying to take a look at other people from my own dark place? These thoughts float and hover, echoing stubbornly in my mind.

The tattered remains of a campaign poster pasted on a wall is swaying in the wind. I turn left at the corner, cut through a parking lot, and come to stand beside a telephone pole. Directly in front of me I can see Akari Kiharazaka’s apartment building.

I take out my cell phone and dial her number. My throat feels dry. With the cell phone pressed to my ear, I look up at her building. The thought crosses my mind that I want her to take me and devour me. Whatever I am hoping for, I don’t care if she just uses me however she sees fit.

“What’s the matter?”

I hear her thin voice through the receiver. She sounds formal and distant.

“… I wanted to see you. Can you meet me?”

“… I can’t.”

I am still looking up at her building, at the second apartment from the left. A dim light is on.

“Why not? I want to see you.”

“… You just want someone’s permission.”

She laughs. As if letting out a breath.

“You want me to erase your sense of guilt for cheating on your girlfriend?… I have no interest in sleeping with a guy who calls me just to see which way I might go.”