Stephanie de Velasco - Tiger Milk

Don’t say anything, I say, I already know that I look like a Chinese mental patient.

Why Chinese?

That’s what Jessi said because the swelling went all the way up to my eyes. But it’s a bit better now.

Nico stands up.

Are you allowed to be kissed, he asks and kisses me on the mouth before waiting for an answer.

Careful, I say, everything’s still swollen.

I’m being careful, he says and kisses me again.

Do you have any smokes, I ask.

Are you allowed to smoke already?

Don’t give me that.

He hands me a cigarette begrudgingly.

We go downstairs and out to the park. The cigarette gives me a rush and my eyes go black for a second but I like it when you get dizzy from smoking, the curtain comes down, the curtain goes back up again and in a few seconds it’s all over, like a passing cloud casting a shadow.

I wanted to come yesterday, says Nico, but I wasn’t sure when the visiting hours were, whether it was too late to stop by in the evening.

No problem, I say taking a drag.

So are you bored?

I shake my head.

Somebody died here today.

Crazy.

Yeah but luckily I didn’t see anything, I say, I just heard about it. Morbid. Have you ever seen a dead person?

Just my grandmother, says Nico.

And?

Wasn’t so bad. It was sad, but not disgusting. She was really old.

Death is weird, I say, don’t you think?

Yeah, says Nico, but at the end of the day death is something totally normal.

I don’t know, I say, that’s sounds like bullshit.

Why, says Nico, death is part of life.

See, that’s the same kind of bullshit. Everybody says shit like that. People talk about death like they talk about the weather but only because they’re scared shitless about it. That doesn’t fly with me.

Nico thinks for a minute.

But we all have to die sooner or later.

I ram my elbow into his ribs.

Yet another cliché.

Well there you go, in that case I’ll get in bed with you right now, says Nico grabbing my legs and slinging me over his shoulder. I squeal. Hanging upside-down on Nico’s back I see a nurse coming across the park toward us.

Visiting hours are over, she says tapping on her watch and looking at us sternly.

I was just about to leave, says Nico.

You were not, I say when the nurse leaves again.

What?

Leaving.

No?

No, I say taking his hand. Like thieves we slink through the park to the entrance and then up the stairs one floor after the next. I cautiously open the door to my room and pull Nico to the bed.

You’re crazy, he whispers nodding at the burned girl, what about her?

We’ll have to be quiet, I say and kiss him. We creep our way to the bed, kissing like our mouths are fused together, it’s nice but my cheeks hurt. I realize I’m dead tired but then I hear the clink of Nico’s belt and in the next instant his baggy trousers fall to his knees.

Carefully, as if it would make noise, Nico takes my t-shirt off, I don’t have a bra on so I quickly get under the covers even though it’s almost dark outside and it’s dark in the room already. His hard-on is sticking to my thigh.

Sorry, says Nico.

It’s okay, I say pulling down his boxers and then my underwear which rolls up as I push it down my legs, that would normally never happen, it’s just because I’m rushing, and why really, I wonder, and then as if Nico can read my thoughts he lies down next to me all calm and looks at me.

Don’t say anything like are you sure you really want this, I whisper.

I wasn’t going to say that, Nico whispers back.

I stand up, grab my wallet and disappear into the bathroom and rummage around for the condom that I’ve been carrying around all this time for just this moment, the same way other people carry a treasured family photo in their wallet all the time. All the condoms Jameelah and I have ripped open, at first by ourselves in her room and then taking them to the bathroom to fill with water and dropping them on people from the window, then later unrolling condoms over cucumbers and Barbie dolls, and then all the stuff on Kurfürsten started. I look at the expiration date and then toss the condom in the toilet. Even if it wasn’t already expired, I think, condoms are for kids and hookers and I’m neither one of those.

I creep back into bed with Nico. I lie down on my back so Nico can get on top of me, I don’t think we’re going to try it any other way on our first time.

Quietly, I whisper before he starts.

This time I’m aware of everything because I’m not as fucked up as last time. This time it hurts bad, like getting poked but at the same time also like when you pinch yourself in a door or something. The purple spiral staircase is there again, I forgot to ask Jameelah why I see that when I sleep with someone. Maybe it’s the staircase that leads out of childhood. The real world is up there, or the fake one, or the rotten one, it hurts in any event. Without wanting to, I bite down and press my teeth together and the pain from below mixes with the pain in my mouth, somehow it’s nice though, no idea why, it sounds stupid but it’s true. Maybe it’s the kind of pain Rainer’s always gabbing on about when he shows us his pitiful tattoo for the hundredth time, and I have to think of the guy in the wheelchair and what he said about violence, only now do I really understand what it was he was trying to tell us. The guy in the wheelchair is right. Violence isn’t about the pain itself but the intent to cause pain, it’s when somebody wants to inflict pain on you. The guy in the wheelchair wasn’t so stupid after all, and the fact that he wasn’t so stupid is a comforting thought to me.

I bleed, this time I bleed so much that I completely mess up the sheets. Nico is appalled.

It’s normal, I say.

I know, he says, but still.

Give me a hand, I say.

Together we strip the bed and I stuff the sheets into the bottom drawer of the cabinet. We creep back into bed. Nico snuggles up to me. I hear a siren outside as a fire truck drives past on Argentinischen Allee.

I’m supposed to say hello to you from Amir by the way, says Nico.

What, I say sitting up, you went there again?

No I called him.

Called him? How did you get his number? I want to call him too.

You can.

I jump out of bed.

Not right now, says Nico, it’s already too late.

Why, I’m sure Amir’s not asleep yet.

Get back in here, whispers Nico pulling me gently back onto the bed, you can only call during certain times. We can call tomorrow. Besides, I have something for you.

For me? What is it?

Only if you settle down.

Fine, I say letting myself fall back onto the pillow.

Nico gets up and looks in his trouser pocket and then hides something in his hand. I can’t help smiling.

I saw it, I say.

No you didn’t, says Nico.

You’re right, I didn’t.

Close your eyes, he says fumbling around with my fingers.

Out of nowhere my heart starts beating like crazy.

Now, he says.

I open my eyes and look at my hand. On it is the ring, Jasna’s ring, Mama’s ring, Papa’s ring, three stones, two little white ones and a green one between them.

I know, maybe it’s a bit over the top, says Nico, but do you like it anyway?

I look at Nico and at the ring and at Nico again.

Where, I whisper, how did you get it?

I found it, says Nico, under the S-bahn, does that bother you? I took it to the lost and found office but when nobody picked it up after two weeks I was allowed to take it. I went to a jewellery store, it’s real.

I know, I say looking at the ring again.

My hand slowly starts to tremble, only a little bit at first but it keeps getting stronger and then the trembling crawls up my arms and into my shoulders and down through my guts to my hips and legs until my entire body is shaking, I can’t do anything, I can’t stop, it’s like in an earthquake or a storm, some kind of natural disaster.