Alberto Moravia - Conjugal Love

'Look,' I said, 'it's just as I thought… He couldn't help touching you. If anything, then, it was you who ought to have drawn away a little to the other side.'

'That's just what I did; but then he went round to the other side.'

'Perhaps he had to do that in order to do your hair on that side.'

'But, Silvio — is it possible you can be so blind, so stupid? One would say you were doing it on purpose… I tell you, there was a deliberate intention in those contacts.'

A question was on my lips, but I hesitated to ask it. Finally I said: 'There's contact and contact. . Did it seem to you that while he was touching you he was — how shall I say? — excited?'

She was sitting huddled in the armchair, a finger between her teeth, with an expression of strange perplexity on her still angry face. 'Certainly,' she answered, shrugging her shoulders.

I was afraid I had not understood properly, or had not made myself clear. 'In fact,' I insisted, 'it was obvious that he was excited?'

'Well, yes.'

I now realized that I was perhaps even more astonished by my wife's behaviour than by Antonio's. She was no longer a girl, but a woman of considerable experience; besides, I was not ignorant that, with regard to things of this kind, she had always had a sort of gay cynicism. All that I knew of her led me to think that she would not have made any fuss over this incident; or, at most, that she would have told me about it in a detached, ironical way. Instead of which, all this rage and hatred! I said, perplexed: 'But look, all this still doesn't mean anything… It might happen to anybody to get excited by certain contacts without wanting to, in fact not wanting to at all.. . It's happened to me sometimes in a crowd or in a tram, that I found myself wedged against some woman and got excited without meaning to.. . The spirit is willing,' I added jokingly, intending to calm her down, 'but the flesh is weak.. . Why, good heavens. .'

She said nothing. She appeared to be thinking deeply, biting the tip of her finger and looking towards the window. I thought she had calmed down and I went on, still in a joking manner: 'Even saints have their temptations, so what about barbers!. . Poor Antonio, when he least expected it, made the unwilling discovery that you're a very beautiful and very desirable woman. Being close to you, he wasn't able to control himself. . probably it was just as disagreeable for him as for you — and that's all there is to it.'

She was still silent. I concluded, cheerfully: 'When all's said and done, I think you ought to make light of this incident. It wasn't so much lack of respect as a kind of homage — a bit coarse and countrified, I agree, but — well, fashions vary, you know.'

Carried away by the usual bold gaiety that came over me after my work, I was becoming, as can be seen, deplorably facetious. I realized this just in time and, forcing myself to be serious again, I added hastily: 'Forgive me, I know I'm being vulgar — but to tell you the truth I cannot manage to take this whole business seriously… all the more so because I'm sure Antonio is innocent.'

She spoke at last. 'None of this interests me,' she said; 'what I want to know is whether you're prepared to send him away — that's all.'

I have already observed that happiness makes us selfish. At that moment, probably, my selfishness reached its highest point. For I knew that there was no other barber in the village. I knew, besides, that it would be impossible to find one in the town who would be ready to travel several miles every day in order to come and shave me. It would mean giving up the idea of a barber altogether and shaving myself. But, since I don't really know how to shave myself, it would have led to skin inflammations, scratches, cuts and, in fact, all sorts of unpleasantnesses. Instead of that, I wanted everything to go on undisturbed and unchanged as long as I was working. I wanted nothing to come and upset the state of profound quietness which, rightly or wrongly, I considered to be absolutely indispensable if my work were to go well. I forced myself, all at once, to be very serious and said: 'But, my dear, you haven't succeeded in convincing me that Antonio was really lacking in respect towards you — I mean intentionally. . Why should I sack him? For what reason? What excuse could I make?'

'Any excuse. . Tell him we're leaving.'

'It isn't true. . and he would find out at once.'

'What does that matter to me? — provided I don't see him again.'

'But it's not possible. . '

'You won't even do this to oblige me,' she cried, exasperated.

'But, my dear, think for a moment. . Why should I give gratuitous offence to a poor man who. .?'

'Poor man, indeed! He's an outrageous, horrible, sinister man.'

'Besides, what am I to do about shaving? You know perfectly well that there are no barbers within fifteen miles of this house.'

'Shave yourself, then.'

'But I can't shave myself.'

'What sort of a man are you, if you can't even shave yourself?'

'No, I can't shave myself- so what am I to do?'

'Grow a beard, then.'

'Please, for goodness sake! I shouldn't be able to sleep a wink.'

She was silent for a time, and then, in a voice in which there seemed to be an echo of despair, she cried: 'Well then, you refuse to do what I ask you — you refuse to do it.'

'But, Leda. .'

'Yes, you refuse to do it. . and you want to force me to see that horrible, disgusting man again. . you want to force me to come into contact with him.'

'But I don't want to force you to do anything. You needn't appear.. .You can stay in your own room.. .'

'So I've got to hide myself in my own house, because you won't do this to oblige me.'

'But, Leda.. '

'Leave me alone.' I had moved close beside her, and I was trying to take her hand. 'Leave me alone… I want you to send him away, d'you understand?'

I decided that I must at last take up an attitude of firmness. 'Listen, Leda,' I said, 'please don't go on like this. This is just an idle caprice and I don't intend to yield to caprices. . Now I shall try and find out whether what you state is true; but only if the truth of your accusations can be proved shall I dismiss this man — not otherwise.'

She looked at me for some time and then, without saying a word, got up and left the room.

When I was alone, I spent some time thinking over the incident. I was sincerely convinced that the truth of the matter was as I had said. No doubt Antonio had been excited by the contact with her arm and had been unable to control his excitement. But I was sure that he had done nothing to facilitate or repeat such contacts, which anyway, in the postion he was in, were unavoidable. He was, in fact, to be blamed only for having failed to elude his involuntary desire. Such, moreover, is still my conviction, for I consider that certain temptations are all the stronger for being neither premeditated nor courted.

These considerations, made in solitude and in perfect good faith, dissipated the last of my remorse. I knew that, fundamentally, I had acted from selfishness; but this selfishness did not contradict what I held to be true justice. I was convinced of Antonio's innocence; and I therefore felt no scruple about placing my own convenience before what I judged to be a mere caprice on the part of my wife.

A few minutes later, I joined Leda at table. She seemed perfectly calm, not to say serene. During a moment when the maid had gone out of the room with the dishes, she said to me: 'All right. . you can go on employing Antonio, but you must arrange things so that I don't see him… If I even meet him on the stairs, I won't answer for myself.. You've been warned.'

Filled with embarrassment, I pretended not to have heard. She added: 'It may be that it's only a caprice. . but my caprices ought to be more important to you than your own convenience, don't you think?'