Shashi Tharoor - Show Business

“What way?” I ask, pouring myself another whiskey. I wave the bottle at her, but she ignores the offer.

“To do it, but to make sure I have control,” Maya says grimly.

“Control? How?”

“We’re seeing Choubey tomorrow,” Maya says. “And we’re going to tell him you’re laying down three conditions.”

“We are?” This is all too much for me. “I am?”

“Yes. One, I shall executive produce.” This will be a new one to Choubey, who’s never had an executive producer in his life. “Two, I shall be script consultant. The screenplay, you will tell him, needs some minor revisions, and the dialogue wallah will work with me. Three, under these conditions, but only under these conditions, I shall play the wife.”

I am totally speechless. I gasp. I gape.

“No one is going to pity me when this film comes out,” Maya says determinedly. “I don’t know whether it will do anything for you at the box office, Ashok. My comeback may never take off with this part. But everyone who sees it is going to say, wah, kaisi aurat hai. What a woman she is. They’re going to admire me for having taken this situation into my own hands and confronted it with pride and self-respect.” She turns to face me, her eyes bright. “Are you going to be with me in this, Ashok? Are you going to stand up for the dignity of your wife, the mother of your children, or are you going to let that whore walk all over the honor of this house?”

She really knows how to put it, that girl. She should never have left the theater. “Of course I’m with you, Maya,” I say. After all, I have a family to maintain. Mehnaz won’t like it, but then I’ve never lost much time worrying about what Mehnaz might like. Thank God there are still women like that.

“Tell me it isn’t true, Ashok,” begs Cyrus Sponerwalla, all three of his chins wobbling in anxiety.

“What isn’t?”

“Like you’re going to do a film about adultery,” he squeaks. “You, Ashok Banjara, epitome of moral rectitude from Jalpaiguri to Jhumri Tialaiya, are going to play an errant husband on the silver screen.”

“I am,” I concede.

“The Indian public isn’t ready for this, man,” Cyrus pleads, blinking behind his glasses like an owl at noontime. “The consumers in the twenty-five-paisa seats won’t accept it, idea-wise. Your image will take a dive, man.”

“There isn’t any explicit adultery in the film, Cyrus. Relax, have a Charminar.” I quote the well-known advertising slogan, but offer him an India Kings.

Cyrus turns down the cigarette, and the commercial wisdom behind its marketing. “I can’t relax, man, when you’re in the process of destroying yourself image-wise,” he flaps, dabbing at perspiration with a scented handkerchief. “Look, you’re a hero, and a damn good one at that. Why not just stay a hero? Isn’t that enough for you?”

“Cyrus, Cyrus.” I laugh. “The film magazines have hinted at the looseness of my morals and at that of every other actor and actress in Bollywood for years. It’s done me no harm whatsoever. I thought you told me any publicity’s good publicity. Speaking of which, take a look at this.” I pass him the latest Showbiz.

Like all PR pros, Cyrus cannot resist the printed word. And Radha Sabnis is in her element:

Darlings, Cheetah hears the love scenes in our studios are getting more and more torrid. Tongues haven’t ceased wagging at Himalaya over a sizzling performance by The Banjara with his leading lady, the ultraliberated Mehnaz Elahi — yes, the very girl who told an interviewer last year that anyone over eighteen claiming to be a virgin was either a liar or a cow. Cheetah learns that the love scene in question continued well after the camera had been switched off, and that the Hungry Young Man’s costar turned up for the next shot with a substantial tear in her costume. Well, darlings, perhaps our self-confessed Erich Segal fan thinks that love means never having to sew your sari, eh? Grrrowl …

I hear the Sponerwalla chuckle, like an asthmatic chicken gobbling its feed, and then Cyrus is bleating again. “This is a different market altogether, man,” he explains. “These things don’t matter to those who read them, like, but those who can read anything at all are only fifteen percent, twenty tops, of your overall audience. My PR strategy for you is segmented, man: frequent publicity in the print media, clean image on the screen. The readers of Showbiz are thrilled and titillated by all this, and it’s fine, so long as the likes of Radha Sabnis don’t go on repeating that you’re a bad actor, which is what can harm you with this segment of the market. Right? But the people I’m concerned about today have never read a film magazine, and they’re the core of your mass appeal. Illiterate villagers who go six, seven times to the same film, and who think you are the heroes you play. The rural masses don’t make fine distinctions between the actor and the part, Ashok. That’s why children aren’t being named Pranay anymore, or Prem Chopra, because the actors’ own real names are so completely identified with their screen villainy. If you were called Chopra, man, would you name your son Prem? He wouldn’t be able to introduce himself without women yelling ’rape’! Now you, Ashok, you’re clean, image-wise. Not as pure clean as someone like N. T. Rama Rao in Andhra, who has played so many gods in mythological epics that some people have actually built a temple to him. Or MGR in Madras, who has defeated the forces of injustice and evil in so many films that the masses are pleading with him to take over the state government and set everything right. But you’re somewhere there yourself, image-wise. You don’t go spoiling it by betraying your wife on every cinema screen in the country.”

“Point taken, Cyrus,” I laugh. “I shall bear it in mind as I look over the screenplay. Look, don’t worry. Everything’s going to be all right. Maya’s going to have the final say on the script.”

Sponerwalla looks relieved. “Why didn’t you tell me that to begin with?” he asks, putting away his damp handkerchief.

“Because I love to see you earn your fee,” I reply heartlessly. “Speaking of which, Cyrus — what do you know about Swiss banks?”

Exterior: Day

DIL EK QUA

(The Heart Is a Fortress)

THE FIRST TREATMENT: THE ORIGINAL VERSION

A hillside in Kashmir. The camera pans across azure sky, verdant slopes, technicolor flowers. Mehnaz Elahi runs laughing across the screen to the strains of an electric mandolin as Ashok Banjara pursues her, singing:

You are my sunlight

You brighten my life

You are my sunlight

Come be my wife.

He finally catches up with her and hugs her from behind: she continues trying to flee and they roll down the hill, locked in an embrace. Close-up: their laughing lips are about to meet when the camera swings skyward and the opening credits fill the screen.

Domestic scene: Ashok with his parents, Godambo and Amma, in their luxurious, indeed palatial, home. Early moments of dialogue establish father’s strength (deep, gravelly voice), wealth (luxurious furnishings), and traditionalism (caste mark on forehead). Ashok gets to the point: “Father, I want to get married.” “Excellent,” says Godambo: he has been thinking along the same lines. It is time Ashok settled down. It would be good for the family and, provided a suitable match was made, good for the business also.

Ashok looks uncomfortable. “Father, I have already found the girl I wish to marry.”

“What!” Outrage on Godambo’s face, consternation in his bulging eyes. Amma rolls pupils heavenward and mutters a brief invocation. “And who can this be?” asks the paterfamilias.