Harold Jaffe - Induced Coma

A 27-year-old woman sent a man she met online an enticing text mess offering him an early Xmas present in the shape of two nubile women and suggested he take his clothes off to save time.

The 29-year old man got to the appointed house straightaway. He stripped and tossed his clothes through the window before entering.

But it was the wrong house and the householder did not get the joke.

The police arrested the man for “gratuitous nudity.”

The woman who sent the seductive but deliberately wayward message was tracked down and charged with misusing a phone.

Presenting a cup or bowl with a crack line.

Disrespecting guests.

Wiping your arse with the right hand.

Not belching loudly after evening meal.

Not speaking the uncolonized language.

Bearing ill-behaved children.

Displaying the bottoms of your feet.

Entering a nubile unmarried female’s room without permission.

Guatemalan police arrested two Quiche Indian brothers accused of hacking to death an American banker on his yacht where he was vacationing with his wife.

The Indians boarded the yacht, docked on a popular lake near Guatemala’s Caribbean coast, wielding machetes & demanding $$$.

The American banker fought back with his own machete but was overpowered & killed.

The wife was hospitalized after the Indians pricked her in the neck with poisoned darts.

Guatemala has one of the highest murder rates in Latin America,

but remains popular with tourists for its picturesque lakes, Mayan jungle pyramids & low prices.

A man who believed he bore the “mark of the beast” used a circular saw to cut off his hand, cooked it in the microwave, phoned 911, while repeating the name: Matthew.

The Book of Matthew contains the passage: If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off.

Roger Ramsdell, 77, a 26-year Marine Corps vet, became Rhonda Ramsdale on Thursday, the oldest human on record to undergo sex-change surgery.

Ramsdell said she always sensed she was “different,” but “just kept putting off” the surgery. S/he saw combat in the Marines as a male in 4 wars.

was stabbed in the eye during an attack by another inmate inside Broadmoor Hospital.

Screaming “B*****d! You killed them bitches!” he lunged at the Ripper.

Burly aides wrestled the knife away.

The inmate, who’d murdered his own mum, was judged unfit to stand trial for assaulting the Ripper.

A feral turkey running along the New Jersey Turnpike won’t have to dodge pre-Xmas traffic.

Fish and Wildlife officials netted the bird Tuesday.

The turkey had been trotting around toll booths at a turnpike interchange since Thanksgiving.

Toll collectors began putting road construction cones on their parked cars to prevent the turkey from jumping on them.

They named the turkey Tammy and videoed her on YouTube.

Officials decided to remove the turkey because of complaints from drivers.

Spokesperson: “Tammy will not be roasted and devoured. S/he will be habited in the Popcorn Zoo in Lacey Township.”

A hotel on Turkey’s picture postcard Mediterranean coast has fired all of its male employees for repeatedly sexing with foreign female guests, the majority of whom are British and Russian. The 36-room hotel now employs female staff exclusively.

“We were facing the same problem every year,” the manager explained. “The last straw was when I saw our bouncer, a family man, walk out of the men’s toilet with two Russian female tourists.”

“What were they doing in the men’s toilet?”

“Romping.”

Lured by its sandy beaches, turquoise waters, and ancient minarets, 23 million tourists visited Turkey last year.

Two Dutch nuns wearing habits & riding bikes chased a thief through Amsterdam.

On Saturday eve, one of the sisters thought she recognized a man as the thief who’d stolen 360 euros from the chapel two weeks before.

She asked a fellow nun to alert police, then invited the thief inside for a glass of Dutch gin. The man, suspicious, downed the gin, then fled the chapel, snatching a bike from a passer-by.

The nuns mounted their bikes & gave chase. They nearly nailed him, but he managed to escape into the labyrinthine Red Light district.

An 18-year-old girl suffering from a psychological condition ate her hair, forming a massive hairball in her stomach.

The teenager went to her doctor after complaining of stomach pains & vomiting. She’d lost 23 pounds over a five-month period & had a large bald spot on the left side of her scalp.

Doctors carried out a scan & were astonished to find a huge mass of hair blocking her stomach; they removed the enormous hairball by surgery.

The hairball measured 15 inches by 7 inches, just one-eighth of an inch short of equaling the Guinness World Record.

A 29-year-old paramedic from Atlantic City set a Guinness Book of World Records mark that may never be surpassed.

Struck in 2003 by a car traveling 90 mph while assisting accident victims along an Interstate, he was flung 139-and-a-quarter feet, setting the record for “Greatest Distance Flung in a Car Accident.”

He suffered a broken jaw, neck, back, pelvis, and tailbone, spent four months in the hospital, six months in rehab, and will be disabled for life.

His ER physician submitted paperwork for the record, which Guinness officially recognized in 2007 and cited in its 2013 edition.

A posse of Tampa cons is offering a taste of what jail is like.

No locks, bars, shackles, anal rape. .

None of that.

But you’ll need a brave stomach to swallow even a dash of their “Jailhouse Fire Hot Sauce.”

Minimum-security Hillsborough County Jail inmates offer their sauce in “Original,” “Smoke” and “No Exit” varieties, all made from jail-grown chili peppers.

They came up with the recipe and started selling it on eBay in 2009.

Since then, they’ve made $10,000 in profit. Each bottle costs $7.

The profits go to the prison to purchase “basic supplies.”

was adopted as a “therapy cat” at a nursing home for the elderly.

When Marcel was five months old the staff noticed he would curl up with patients about to die.

In one instance preparation was made for the death of one patient but Marcel chose the bed of another; the person he lay with died first, taking staff by surprise.

About Marcel’s uncanniness: one theory is he is responding to a pheromone inaccessible to humans. So far he has accurately “predicted” 79-and-a-half deaths.

Marcel remains unchanged by his celebrity, spending most of his day snoozing / snorting catnip.

When Wu broke his left leg in an industrial accident 10 months ago, surgeons implanted a steel plate in his leg.

This year at his medical check-up Wu’s leg seemed to have healed enough to remove the plate. But he refused the procedure because of the expense.

Instead, inspired by an American movie in which one of the characters successfully operates on himself, Wu used a kitchen knife, a screwdriver, pliers, and cheap liquor to remove the plate in his leg.