Даниэль Дефо - Roxana

He sat as one astonish’d, a good-while, looking at me, without speaking a Word, till I came quite up to him, kneel’d on one Knee to him, and almost whether he would or no, kiss’d his Hand; he took me up, and stood up himself, but was surpriz’d, when taking me in his Arms, he perceiv’d Tears to run down my Cheeks; My Dear, says he , aloud, what mean these Tears? My Lord, said I , after some little Check, for I cou’d not speak presently, I beseech you to believe me, they are not Tears of Sorrow, but Tears of Joy; it is impossible for me to see myself snatch’d from the Misery I was fallen into, and at once to be in the Arms of a Prince of such Goodness, such immense Bounty, and be treated in such a Manner; ’tis not possible, my Lord, said I , to contain the Satisfaction of it; and it will break out in an Excess in some measure proportion’d to your immense Bounty, and to the Affection which your Highness treats me with, who am so infinitely below you.

It wou’d look a little too much like a Romance here, to repeat all the kind things he said to me, on that Occasion; but I can’t omit one Passage; as he saw the Tears drop down my Cheek, he pulls out a fine Cambrick Hankerchief, and was going to wipe the Tears off, but check’d his Hand, as if he was afraid to deface something; I say, he check’d his Hand, and toss’d the Handkerchief to me, to do it myself; I took the Hint immediately, and with a kind of pleasant Disdain, How, my Lord! said I, Have you kiss’d me so often, and don’t you know whether I am Painted, [103] Painted : wearing make-up. or not? Pray let your Highness satisfie yourself, that you have no Cheats put upon you; for once let me be vain enough to say, I have not deceiv’d you with false Colours : With this, I put a Handkerchief into his Hand, and taking his Hand into mine, I made him wipe my Face so hard, that he was unwilling to do it, for fear of hurting me.

He appear’d surpriz’d, more than ever, and swore, which was the first time that I had heard him swear, from my first knowing him, that he cou’d not have believ’d there was any such Skin, without Paint, in the World: Well, my Lord , said I, Your Highness shall have a farther Demonstration than this; as to that which you are pleas’d to accept for Beauty, that it is the meer Work of Nature ; and with that, I stept to the Door, and rung a little Bell, for my Woman, Amy , and bade her bring me a Cup-full of hot Water, which she did; and when it was come, I desir’d his Highness to feel if it was warm; which he did, and I immediately wash’d my Face all over with it, before him; this was, indeed, more than Satisfaction, that is to say, than Believing; for it was an undeniable Demonstration, and he kiss’d my Cheeks and Breasts a thousand times, with Expressions of the greatest Surprize imaginable.

Nor was I a very indifferent Figure as to Shape; tho’ I had had two Children by my Gentleman, and six [104] six : in other places in the novel Roxana says she had five children by her husband. by my true Husband, I say, I was no despisable Shape; and my Prince (I must be allow’d the Vanity to call him so) was taking his View of me as I walk’d from one End of the Room to the other, at last he leads me to the darkest Part of the Room, and standing behind me, bade me hold up my Head, when putting both his Hands round my Neck, as if he was spanning my Neck, to see how small it was, for it was long and small; he held my Neck so long, and so hard, in his Hand, that I complain’d he hurt me a little; what he did it for, I knew not, nor had I the least Suspicion but that he was spanning my Neck; but when I said he hurt me, he seem’d to let go, and in half a Minute more, led me to a Peir-Glass, and behold, I saw my Neck clasp’d with a fine Necklace of Diamonds; whereas I felt no more what he was doing, than if he had really done nothing at-all, nor did I suspect it, in the least: If I had an Ounce of Blood in me, that did not fly up into my Face, Neck, and Breasts, it must be from some Interruption in the Vessels; I was all on fire with the Sight, and began to wonder what it was that was coming to me.

However, to let him see that I was not unqualified to receive Benefits; I turn’d about, My Lord, says I , Your Highness is resolv’d to conquer by your Bounty, the very Gratitude of your Servants; you will leave no room for any thing but Thanks, and make those Thanks useless too, by their bearing no Proportion to the Occasion.

I love, Child, says he , to see every thing suitable; a fine Gown and Petticoat; a fine lac’d Head; a fine Face and Neck, and no Necklace, would not have made the Object perfect: But why that Blush, my Dear, says the Prince ? My Lord, said I , all your Gifts call for Blushes; but above all, I blush to receive what I am so ill able to merit, and may become so ill also.

Thus far I am a standing Mark of the Weakness of Great Men, in their Vice; that value not squandring away immense Wealth, upon the most worthless Creatures; or to sum it up in a Word, they raise the Value of the Object which they pretend [105] pretend : propose, intend. to pitch upon, by their Fancy; I say, raise the Value of it, at their own Expence; give vast Presents for a ruinous Favour, which is so far from being equal to the Price, that nothing will, at last, prove more absurd, than the Cost Men are at to purchase their own Destruction.

I cou’d not, in the height of all this fine doings, I say, I cou’d not be without some just Reflection, tho’ Conscience was, as I said, dumb as to any Disturbance it gave me in my Wickedness; my Vanity was fed up to such a height, that I had no room to give Way to such Reflections.

But I could not but sometimes look back, with Astonishment, at the Folly of Men of Quality, who immense in their Bounty, as in their Wealth, give to a Profusion, and without Bounds, to the most scandalous of our Sex, for granting them the Liberty of abusing themselves, and ruining both.

I, that knew what this Carcass of mine had been but a few Years before; how overwhelm’d with Grief, drown’d in Tears, frighted with the Prospect of Beggery, and surrounded with Rags, and Fatherless Children; that was pawning and selling the Rags that cover’d me, for a Dinner, and sat on the Ground, despairing of Help, and expecting to be starv’d, till my Children were snatch’d from me, to be kept by the Parish; I, that was after this, a Whore for Bread, and abandoning Conscience and Virtue, liv’d with another Woman’s Husband; I, that was despis’d by all my Relations, and my Husband’s too; I, that was left so entirely desolate, friendless, and helpless, that I knew not how to get the least Help to keep me from starving; that I should be caress’d by a Prince, for the Honour of having the scandalous Use of my Prostituted Body, common before to his Inferiours; and perhaps wou’d not have denied one of his Footmen but a little while before, if I cou’d have got my Bread by it.

I say, I cou’d not but reflect upon the Brutallity and Blindness of Mankind; that because Nature had given me a good Skin, and some agreeable Features, should suffer that Beauty to be such a Bait to Appetite, as to do such sordid, unaccountable things, to obtain the Possession of it.

It is for this Reason, that I have so largely set down the Particulars of the Caresses I was treated with by the Jeweller, and also by this Prince; not to make the Story an Incentive to the Vice, which I am now such a sorrowful Penitent for being guilty of, God forbid any shou’d make so vile a Use of so good a Design , but to draw the just Picture of a Man enslav’d to the Rage of his vicious Appetite; how he defaces the Image of God in his Soul; dethrones his Reason; causes Conscience to abdicate the Possession, and exalts Sence [106] Sence : sensation. into the vacant Throne; how he deposes the Man, and exalts the Brute.