Даниэль Дефо - Roxana

Never Woman, in such a Station, liv’d a Fortnight in so compleat a fulness of Humane [96] Humane : human. Delight; for to have the entire Possession of one of the most accomplish’d Princes in the World, and of the politest, best bred Man; to converse with him all Day, and, as he profess’d , charm him all Night; what could be more inexpressibly pleasing, and especially, to a Woman of a vast deal of Pride, as I was?

To finish the Felicity of this Part, I must not forget, that the Devil had play’d a new Game with me, and prevail’d with me to satisfie myself with this Amour, as a lawful thing; that a Prince of such Grandeur, and Majesty; so infinitely superior to me; and one who had made such an Introduction by an unparalell’d Bounty, I could not resist; and therefore, that it was very Lawful for me to do it, being at that time perfectly single, and uningag’d to any other Man; as I was, most certainly, by the unaccountable Absence of my first Husband, and the Murther of my Gentleman, who went for my second.

It cannot be doubted but that I was the easier to perswade myself of the Truth of such a Doctrine as this, when it was so much for my Ease, and for the Repose of my Mind, to have it be so.

In Things we wish, ’tis easie to deceive;

What we would have, we willingly believe. [97] In Things we wish… we willingly believe : probably Defoe’s versification of a commonplace idea he had expressed elsewhere in his writings. See Due Preparations for the Plague in Romances and Narratives by Daniel Defoe , ed. George A. Aitken (Dent, 1895), XV, 118, and cf. An Essay upon the Trade to Africa (1711), p. 3.

Besides, I had no Casuists to resolve this Doubt; the same Devil that put this into my Head, bade me go to any of the Romish Clergy, and under the Pretence of Confession, state the Case exactly, and I should see they would either resolve it to be no Sin at all, or absolve me upon the easiest Pennance: This I had a strong Inclination to try, but I know not what Scruple put me off of it, for I could never bring myself to like having to do with those Priests; and tho’ it was strange that I, who had thus prostituted my Chastity, and given up all Sence of Virtue, in two such particular Cases, living a Life of open Adultery, should scruple any thing; yet so it was, I argued with myself, that I could not be a Cheat in any thing that was esteem’d Sacred; that I could not be of one Opinion, and then pretend myself to be of another; nor could I go to Confession, who knew nothing of the Manner of it, and should betray myself to the Priest, to be a Hugonot, and then might come into Trouble; but, in short, tho’ I was a Whore, yet I was a Protestant Whore, [98] a Protestant Whore : probably an allusion to Nell Gwynn, Charles II’s popular, and Protestant, mistress. Once when her carriage was surrounded by a hostile mob that took her for her unpopular rival, the Duchess of Portsmouth, Nell Gwynn put her head out of the window and said: ‘Pray, good people, be civil; I am the Protestant whore.’ and could not act as if I was Popish, upon any Account whatsoever.

But, I say, I satisfy’d myself with the surprizing Occasion, that, as it was all irresistable, so it was all lawful; for that Heaven would not suffer us to be punish’d for that which it was not possible for us to avoid; and with these Absurdities I kept Conscience from giving me any considerable Disturbance in all this Matter; and I was as perfectly easie as to the Lawfulness of it, as if I had been Marry’d to the Prince, and had had no other Husband: So possible is it for us to roll ourselves up in Wickedness, till we grow invulnerable by Conscience; and that Centinel once doz’d, sleeps fast, not to be awaken’d while the Tide of Pleasure continues to flow, or till something dark and dreadful brings us to ourselves again.

I have, I confess, wonder’d at the Stupidity that my intellectual Part was under [99] the Stupidity that my intellectual Part was under : the stupor that affected my rational faculty. all that while; what Lethargick Fumes doz’d the Soul; [100] what Lethargick Fumes doz’d the Soul : the fumes or vapours of corrupted humours (see note 60) rising to the head would cloud the understanding and the conscience. and how it was possible that I, who in the Case before, where the Temptation was many ways more forcible, and the Arguments stronger, and more irrisistable, was yet under a continued Inquietude on account of the wicked Life I led, could now live in the most profound Tranquility, and with an uninterrupted Peace, nay, even rising up to Satisfaction, and Joy, and yet in a more palpable State of Adultery than before; for before, my Gentleman who call’d me Wife, had the Pretence of his Wife being parted from him, refusing to do the Duty of her Office as a Wife to him; as for me, my Circumstances were the same; but as for the Prince, as he had a fine and extraordinary Lady, or Princess, of his own; so he had had two or three Mistresses more besides me, and made no Scruple of it at all.

However, I say, as to my own Part, I enjoy’d myself in perfect Tranquility; and as the Prince was the only Deity I worshipp’d, so I was really his Idol; and however it was with his Princess, I assure you, his other Mistresses found a sensible Difference; and tho’ they could never find me out, yet I had good Intelligence, that they guess’d very well, that their Lord had got some new Favourite that robb’d them of his Company, and perhaps, of some of his usual Bounty too: And now I must mention the Sacrifices he made to his Idol, and they were not a few, I assure you.

As he lov’d like a Prince, so he rewarded like a Prince; for tho’ he declin’d my making a Figure, as above, he let me see, that he was above doing it for the saving the Expence of it, and so he told me, and that he would make it up in other things: First of all, he sent me a Toilet, with all the Appurtenances of Silver, even so much as the Frame of the Table; and then, for the House, he gave me the Table, or Side-board of Plate I mention’d above, with all things belonging to it, of massy Silver; so that, in short, I could not, for my Life, study to ask him for any thing of Plate which I had not.

He could then accommodate me in nothing more but Jewels and Cloaths, or Money for Cloaths; he sent his Gentleman to the Mercer’s, and bought me a Suit, or whole Piece, of the finest Brocaded Silk, figur’d with Gold, and another with Silver, and another of Crimson; so that I had three Suits of Cloaths, such as the Queen of France would not have disdain’d to have worn at that time; yet I went out no-where; but as those were for me to put on, when I went out of Mourning, I dress’d myself in them, one after another, always when his Highness came to see me.

I had no less than five several Morning Dresses besides these, so that I need never be seen twice in the same Dress; to these he added several Parcels of fine Linnen, and of Lace, so much, that I had no room to ask for more, or indeed, for so much.

I took the Liberty once, in our Freedoms, to tell him, he was too Bountiful, and that I was too chargeable to him for a Mistress, and that I would be his faithful Servant, at less Expence to him; and that he not only left me no room to ask him for any thing, but that he supply’d me with such a Profusion of good things, that I scarce could wear them, or use them; unless I kept a great Equipage, which he knew was no way convenient for him, or for me; he smil’d, and took me in his Arms, and told me, he was resolv’d, while I was his, I should never be able to ask him for any-thing; but that he would be daily asking new Favours of me.

After we were up, for this Conference was in Bed, he desir’d I would dress me in the best Suit of Cloaths I had: It was a Day or two after the three suits were made, and brought home; I told him, if he pleas’d, I would rather dress me in that Suit which I knew he lik’d best; he ask’d me, how I could know which he would like best, before he had seen them? I told him, I would presume, for once, to guess at his Fancy by my own; so I went away, and dress’d me in the second Suit, brocaded with Silver, and return’d in full Dress, with a Suit of Lace upon my Head, [101] a Suit of Lace upon my Head : a set of lace upon my head-dress. which would have been worth in England , 200 l . Sterling; and I was every Way set out as well as Amy could dress me, who was a very gentile [102] gentile : lady-like, elegant. Dresser too: In this Figure I came to him, out of my Dressing-Room, which open’d with Folding-Doors into his Bed-Chamber.