William Maugham - Plays - Lady Frederick, The Explorer, A Man of Honour

As large as life.

We've been taking a turn on the terrace.

[ To Mereston.] And has your astute uncle been pumping you, Charlie?

Eh, what?

I don't think he got much out of me.

[ Good-naturedly. ] All I wanted, dear boy. There's no one so transparent as the person who thinks he's devilish deep. By the way, what's the time?

About eleven, isn't it?

Ah! How old are you, Charlie?

Twenty-two.

Then it's high time you went to bed.

Charlie's not going to bed till I tell him. Are you?

Of course not.

Has it escaped your acute intelligence, my friend, that I want to talk to Lady Frederick?

Not at all. But I have no reason to believe that Lady Frederick wants to talk to you.

Let's go and have a game of pills, Charlie.

D'you want to be left alone with the old villain?

You show no respect for my dyed hairs, young man.

I've not seen him for years, you know.

Oh, all right. I say, you're coming for a ride to-morrow, aren't you?

Certainly. But it must be in the afternoon.

I'm sorry, but Charles has arranged to motor me over to Nice in the afternoon.

[ To Lady Frederick.] That'll suit me A 1. I had an engagement, but it was quite unimportant.

Then that's settled. Good-night.

Good-night.

Well?

Well?

You wear excellently, Paradine.

Thanks.

How do you manage it?

By getting up late and never going to bed early, by eating whatever I like and drinking whenever I'm thirsty, by smoking strong cigars, taking no exercise, and refusing under any circumstances to be bored.

I'm sorry you had to leave town in such a hurry. Were you amusing yourself?

I come to the Riviera every year.

I daresay, but not so early.

I've never surrendered so far to middle age as to make habits.

My dear Paradine, the day before yesterday, Lady Mereston, quite distracted, went to the post office and sent you the following wire: "Come at once, your help urgently needed. Charlie in toils designing female, Maud." Am I right?

I never admit even to myself that a well-dressed woman is mistaken.

So you started post-haste, bent upon protecting your nephew, and were infinitely surprised to learn that the designing female was no other than your humble servant.

You'd be irresistible, Lady Frederick, if you didn't know you were so clever.

And now what are you going to do?

My dear lady, I'm not a police officer, but a very harmless, inoffensive old bachelor.

With more wiles than the mother of many daughters and the subtlety of a company promoter.

Maud seems to think that as I've racketted about a little in my time, I'm just the sort of man to deal with you. Set a thief to catch a thief, don't you know? She's rather fond of proverbs.

She should have thought rather of: When Greek meets Greek, then comes the tug of war. I hear Lady Mereston has been saying the most agreeable things about me.

Ah, that's women's fault; they always show their hand. You're the only woman I ever knew who didn't.

[ With a brogue. ] You should have avoided the Blarney Stone when you went to Ireland.

Look here, d'you want to marry Charlie?

Why should I?

Because he's got fifty thousand a year, and you're head over ears in debt. You've got to raise something like four thousand pounds at once, or you go under. You've got yourself a good deal talked about during the last ten years, but people have stood you because you had plenty of money. If you go broke they'll drop you like a hot potato. And I daresay it wouldn't be inconvenient to change Lady Frederick Berolles into Lady Mereston. My sister has always led me to believe that it is rather attractive to be a Marchioness.

Unlike a duchess, its cheap without being gaudy.

You asked me why you might want to marry a boy from ten to fifteen years younger than yourself, and I've told you.

And now perhaps you'll tell me why you're going to interfere in my private concerns?

Well, you see his mother happens to be my sister, and I'm rather fond of her. It's true her husband was the most sanctimonious prig I've ever met in my life.

I remember him well. He was president of the Broad Church Union and wore side-whiskers.

But she stuck to me through thick and thin. I've been in some pretty tight places in my day, and she's always given me a leg up when I wanted it. I've got an idea it would just about break her heart if Charlie married you.

Thanks.

You know, I don't want to be offensive, but I think it would be a pity myself. And besides, unless I'm much mistaken, I've got a little score of my own that I want to pay off.

Have you?

You've got a good enough memory not to have forgotten that you made a blithering fool of me once. I swore I'd get even with you, and by George, I mean to do it.

[ Laughing. ] And how do you propose to stop me if I make up my mind that I'm going to accept Charlie?

Well, he's not proposed yet, has he?

Not yet, but I've had to use every trick and device I can think of to prevent him.

Look here, I'm going to play this game with my cards on the table.

Then I shall be on my guard. You're never so dangerous as when you pretend to be frank.

I'm sorry you should think so badly of me.

I don't. Only it was a stroke of genius when Nature put the soul of a Jesuit priest into the body of a Yorkshire squire.

I wonder what you're paying me compliments for. You must be rather afraid of me.