William Maugham - Plays - Lady Frederick, The Explorer, A Man of Honour

A 1, thanks.

And what do you do with yourself?

Oh, hang about generally, you know – and there's always the tables.

That's right, my boy; I'm glad to see that you prepare yourself properly for your duties as a hereditary legislator.

[ Laughing. ] Oh, shut it, Uncle Paradine.

I rejoice also to find that you have already a certain command of the vernacular.

Well, if you can browbeat a London cabby and hold your own in repartee with a barmaid, it oughtn't to be difficult to get on all right in the House of Lords.

But let me give you a solemn warning. You have a magnificent chance, dear boy, with all the advantages of wealth and station. I beseech you not to throw it away by any exhibition of talent. The field is clear and the British people are waiting for a leader. But remember that the British people like their leaders dull. Capacity they mistrust, versatility they cannot bear, and wit they utterly abhor. Look at the fate of poor Lord Parnaby. His urbanity gained him the premiership, but his brilliancy overthrew him. How could the fortunes of the nation be safe with a man whose speeches were pointed and sparkling, whose mind was so quick, so agile, that it reminded you of a fencer's play? Every one is agreed that Lord Parnaby is flippant and unsubstantial; we doubt his principles and we have grave fears about his morality. Take warning, my dear boy, take warning. Let the sprightly epigram never lighten the long periods of your speech nor the Attic salt flavour the roast beef of your conversation. Be careful that your metaphors show no imagination and conceal your brains as you would a discreditable secret. Above all, if you have a sense of humour, crush it. Crush it.

My dear uncle, you move me very much. I will be as stupid as an owl.

There's a good, brave boy.

I will be heavy and tedious.

I see already the riband of the Garter adorning your shirt-front. Remember, there's no damned merit about that.

None shall listen to my speeches without falling into a profound sleep.

[ Seizing his hand. ] The premiership itself is within your grasp.

Dear Paradine, let us take a stroll on the terrace before we go to bed.

And you shall softly whisper all the latest scandal in my ear.

May I speak to you, Admiral?

Certainly, certainly. What can I do for you?

Are you in a good temper?

Fairly, fairly.

I'm glad of that because I want to make you a proposal of marriage.

My dear Lady Frederick, you take me entirely by surprise.

[ Laughing. ] Not on my own behalf, you know.

Oh, I see.

The fact is, my brother Gerald has asked your daughter to marry him, and she has accepted.

Rose is a minx, Lady Frederick, and she's much too young to marry.

Now don't fly into a passion. We're going to talk it over quite calmly.

I tell you I won't hear of it. The boy's penniless.

That's why it's so lucky you're rich.

Eh?

You've been talking of buying a place in Ireland. You couldn't want anything nicer than Gerald's – gravel soil, you know. And you simply dote on Elizabethan architecture.

I can't bear it.

How fortunate, then, that the house was burnt down in the eighteenth century and rebuilt in the best Georgian style.

Ugh.

And you'd love to have little grandsons to dandle on your knee.

How do I know they wouldn't be girls?

Oh, it's most unusual in our family.

I tell you I won't hear of it.

You know, it's not bad to have the oldest baronetcy in the country but one.

I suppose I shall have to pack Rose off to England.

And break her heart?

Women's hearts are like old china, none the worse for a break or two.

Did you ever know my husband, Admiral?

Yes.

I was married to him at seventeen because my mother thought it a good match, and I was desperately in love with another man. Before we'd been married a fortnight he came home blind drunk, and I had never seen a drunken man before. Then I found out he was a confirmed tippler. I was so ashamed. If you only knew what my life was for the ten years I lived with him. I've done a lot of foolish things in my time, but, my God, I have suffered.

Yes, I know, I know.

And believe me, when two young things love one another it's better to let them marry. Love is so very rare in this world. One really ought to make the most of it when it's there.

I'm very sorry, but I've made up my mind.

Ah, but won't you alter it – like Nelson. Don't be hard on Rose. She's really in love with Gerald. Do give them a chance. Won't you? Ah, do – there's a dear.

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but Sir Gerald is about the most ineligible young man that I've ever come across.

[ Triumphantly. ] There, I knew we should agree. That's precisely what I told him this morning.

I understand his place is heavily mortgaged.

No one will lend a penny more on it. If they would Gerald would borrow it at once.

He's got nothing but his pay to live upon.

And his tastes are very extravagant.

He's a gambler.

Yes, but then he's so good looking.

Eh?

I'm glad that we agree so entirely about him. Now there's nothing left but to call the young things in, join their hands and give them our united blessing.

Before I consent to this marriage, madam, I'll see your brother —

Damned?

Yes, madam, damned.

Now listen to me quietly, will you?

I should warn you, Lady Frederick, that when I once make up my mind about a thing, I never change it.