William Saroyan - The Laughing Matter

“We’re going to begin again,” Evan said. “That’s what’s going to happen. We’re going to be patient with one another. You’ll help me, as you did this afternoon, and I’ll help you. I’m still mad, but not so mad I can’t keep trying. The vineyard—the idea of the vineyard—gives me hope. We’re going to begin again, Swan, because we’ve got to. What’s right, Swan? Beginning again is right, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know, Evan.”

“Now, you know it is,” Evan said. “Don’t make things difficult for both of us by saying you don’t know. You do know. You know very well what’s right. We haven’t any choice. Beginning again is right. Beginning again is always difficult. It’s the most difficult thing in the world. The demands it makes of us are great. But what are we, Swan, if we can’t meet difficult demands? Are we going to live from hour to hour for ourselves alone? Don’t hold it against me that I want to live a responsible life. I’ve got to try to live that life. I’ve got to believe it can be lived. Love, more than anything else in the world, is to be earned. I love the hope of earning love with you, and you must love the hope of earning it with me. You must help me. If there’s to be a vineyard, and a life for us on it, it’s to be with you, Swan. It can’t be without you. It’s to be for you, Swan. You cannot say that you want to be there, but know you won’t be there. Where will you be, Swan?”

“Alone, Evan, or dead.”

“Why? Please tell me.”

“I don’t know. I know how it infuriates you to hear me say again and again that I don’t know, but I don’t, Evan. I just don’t. I feel that I will be alone, or dead, and it frightens me. I feel it. That’s all I know. I’ve felt it all my life, but especially since Friday night. I want to have done what must be done, but I’m frightened.”

“Well,” he said, “suppose you are? Suppose I am, too? So what? We’ll go on. We’ll begin again, both of us frightened if need be. We’ll keep going. We’ll grow more and more frightened if need be, but we’ll go on. I’m speaking of the worst, Swan.” He stopped a moment. “Suppose going on is difficult? It’s not difficult for us alone. Think how difficult it must be for Red and Eva, who have no other direction to take, except to us. Suppose it is difficult when we are thinking only of our own lousy selves? So what, Swan?”

“I don’t care how difficult it is,” Swan said, “I want to be there with you. I want to begin as soon as we can. I wish we could get what needs to be done out of the way right now. Tonight , Evan.”

“Is it this that you’re most afraid of, Swan?”

“I think so, Evan, but I don’t care any more. I don’t care if I am afraid. I want the vineyard.”

She tried her best not to sob, as if it were Eva herself trying to hold back the tears.

“I was the one, Evan,” she said. “Do you think anything happens to a woman that she doesn’t want to happen? I did it because I was curious, because I’m stupid, because I am irresponsible, because I do live in the minute, because I have wanted instantly anything I have ever wanted. I forgot all about you, Evan, I forgot all about Red and Eva. I didn’t care, and I didn’t want to care. Now, I’m sick of myself. I want this whole business to be stopped. Tonight. Telephone Dade. Speak in your own language. I won’t be able to sleep anyway. Do it for me , Evan. It must be done and I want it done, but I can’t wait. I just can’t wait. After this is over with, I’ll wait for everything. I’ll be able to wait.”

“All right, Swan.”

He went to the telephone and after a moment spoke to Dade in his own language.

“Please don’t ask any questions,” he said. “If you know somebody, fly here with him tonight. I’ll meet you at the airport and bring you here, no matter when you arrive. It must happen tonight. It’s half-past ten. By daybreak it’ll be over. I’ll stay beside her. You can take the kids for a drive. Can you do it, Dade? Can you find somebody? I’ve got a lot of things to talk about tomorrow, but this has got to happen first. It’s not me who’s asking, it’s Swan. Find somebody, Dade.”

“I’ll find somebody,” Dade said. “I’ll call you back.”

He found her standing in the parlor, waiting for him, her face trembling.

He embraced her.

“My wonderful Swan,” he said. “My beautiful Swan.”

“Your terrible Swan!” she sobbed. “Your crazy Swan.”

She stopped suddenly to laugh, laughing as a small girl laughs.

“If you only knew what I want,” she laughed. “If you only knew what I want now , at a time like this, Evan. God, it amazes me , even. If you only knew, Evan.”

“I know, Swan. It’s all right.”

“It’s all right, but it’s not to be, is it, Evan?”

“No, Swan.”

“Why, Evan?”

“Because it’s what I want, too, and it’s not to be because it will take us to a time like this again, and this isn’t fun enough, that’s all, Swan.”

“Is somebody coming?”

“He’s going to call me.”

“Can I have a drink, then?”

“Sure.”

When he’d fixed drinks and they’d each had a sip she said, “I wish you knew how glad I am we can’t have what we both want. How glad I am you want to try to love me that deeply.”

Dade telephoned after an hour and said in their own language, “I’ve got two of them. They don’t know one another. We’ll be at the Fresno airport at two. They’ll be finished in less than an hour. I’ll drive them back to the airport, and they’ll take the five o’clock plane back. I’ll be talking to both of them on the way down to find out which one it’s to be. The other one will stand by. She ought to be up and about in a couple of days. She ought to be finished with the whole thing in a month.”

“I’ll be at the airport at two,” Evan said.

One of them was a small, dark man of sixty or so. The other was tall and thin, and ten or more years younger. Evan hoped it would be the dark one, for he believed this one was nothing worse than an alcoholic. Each of them had ordinary suitcases, and Dade had his luggage. The stuff was put away in the trunk compartment of the car, and Evan drove back swiftly, but not too swiftly. He didn’t want to be stopped for speeding at a time like this. There was almost no conversation during the entire half-hour drive.

The whole thing was over in a little more than an hour. The dark man had been the one. The other one had seen to the sterilizing of the instruments, and had kept out of the way, staying in the kitchen.

“She’ll want to sleep,” the little one said. “She may become half-awake every now and then, but she’ll fall back after a minute or two. She ought to stay in bed until Thursday morning. After that she can get up for a couple of hours at a time—for three or four days. She ought to take things easy for a month.”

Dade drove them back to the airport. It was half-past five when he came into the house again.

“I wanted to put them back on the plane,” he said. “How is she? Have you been in to see her?”

“Yes,” Evan said. He waited a moment. “Dade?” he said.

“It’s all right,” Dade said. “He’s the best there is. The other one was insurance. You’re not worried, are you?”

“She didn’t make a sound, Dade. Swan can’t take pain. I was with her when Red and Eva came, and I know she can’t.”

“He gave her some stuff to make it painless.”

“Could he have given her too much?”