William Saroyan - The Laughing Matter

“We’ll fix a basket, too,” May said to Swan. “What are you having, so we can keep it balanced?”

“Well,” Swan said, “I thought deviled ham, boiled ham, and cheese sandwiches.”

“All right,” May said. “We’ll make some hard-boiled eggs, jelly and cream cheese sandwiches. We’ve got a couple of dozen hot dogs for a roast, and some cold fruit. That’ll do it, won’t it?”

“I forgot the wine, and soda pop for the kids,” Swan said. “We’ll stay until after sundown. All right?”

“Sure,” May said.

They drove home and Swan went to work on the sandwiches. When she was almost finished Evan telephoned the man in San Francisco.

“I was about to call,” the man said. “This is the setup. Tell him to come to my office Friday morning at half-past eleven. I’ll tell him the whole story, then we’ll go to lunch. After lunch I’ll turn him over to our man who will look after him until he sails.”

“When will that be?” Evan said.

“The following Friday,” the man said.

“When will he be back in San Francisco?”

“Anywhere from a hundred and twenty to a hundred and fifty days later—four or five months.”

“You’ll like him,” Evan said. “I’ll call him now. I know he’s sitting there, waiting. He’ll be an able seaman, is that right?”

“That’s right,” the man said, “and don’t worry. We need them. He’ll come back with some money, too. It’s a good ship, and a friend of mine’s first mate. He’ll look after him.”

Evan telephoned Bart and told him the story. The boy was speechless a moment, then began to cheer.

“Let’s go, Clovis!” he shouted. “The high school cheer,” he explained. “Thanks, Mr. Nazarenus. Can we come by tonight after dinner? Or will you come by here?”

“We’re going on a picnic in a few minutes with the Walz family,” Evan said. “We might be late getting back. Why not pick up Cody and join us there? There’ll be plenty to eat. It’ll be either Piedra or Skaggs Bridge. I’ll phone from Warren’s and let you know.”

“Swell,” Bart said. “Cody gets home a little after five. We’ll be wherever it is a half hour later. You can help me tell Cody. He’s going to be glad. I know he is, but if you help me tell him, I don’t think he’s going to worry. Friday! Let’s go, Clovis!”

They got into the car. They were on their way when Evan heard the telephone bell ring. He stopped the car.

“I’d better get it,” he said.

“Who is it?” Red said. Again, for the first time in hours, there was panic in his voice.

“Dade, most likely,” Evan said.

He got out of the car and ran into the house. By the time he answered the phone there was no one on the line. At last the operator came on the line.

“There was a call for Mrs. Nazarenus from Palo Alto,” the operator said, “but the party hung up.”

“Will you get the party back, please?” Evan said.

“I’ll try,” the operator said.

She was a long time, then came back and said, “The number doesn’t answer. I think it was a booth number. Shall I try it again in twenty minutes?”

“No,” he said, “try this number.” He gave her the number, and after a moment she said, “That number doesn’t answer, either, sir.”

“O.K.,” he said. “Thanks.”

He went to Dade’s room, drew open the drawer, saw everything in its place, looked around for the key to the drawer, found it on top of the bureau, locked the drawer, and put the key in his pocket. He hurried out of the house, locking the door behind him.

“Who was it?” Swan said.

“Dade,” he said. He spoke cheerfully, and they drove off, but there was a quietude in the kids, and in Swan, that made him know they didn’t believe him.

“What did he say, Papa?” Red said.

Evan Nazarenus laughed.

“Dade said, ‘Are you teaching Red the language?’ and I said, ‘I am,’ so here we go for today’s lesson. Let me hear you say, ‘It is right.’ ”

Red said the words in the language.

“Again, please,” Evan said. After a moment, “Again.”

“All right, Papa,” Red said. “Let’s do today’s lesson.”

“Listen carefully, then,” Evan Nazarenus said. “You, too, Swan. You, too, Eva. All of you listen carefully.”

“Yes, Papa,” Eva said.

“I love you,” Evan said in the language.

“What’s that mean?” Red said.

“I love you,” Evan said in English. “Now listen carefully. I’ll say it again, very slowly. Listen to the sound of it. You, too, Swan. I love you,” he said in the language. “I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Have you got it, Swan?”

“Yes, Evan.”

“Say it, Swan.”

“I love you,” Swan said in the language.

“Again,” he said. She said it again. “Again, Swan.” She said it again. “Again, please,” he said.

“What’s the matter, Papa?” Red said.

“What’s the matter?” Evan said. “I’m teaching your mother my language. It’s a good language. I’m going to teach all of you this language. Now you say it, Red.” Red said it. He said it perfectly, as if the language were his, too. “Notice the way he says it, Swan,” Evan said. “Say it that way.” She said it again, trying to say it the way Evan and Red had said it.

She knew something had happened. She knew he was trying hard, and she wanted to help him.

“Eva?” Evan said.

“Yes, Papa.”

“Can you say it, darling?”

“I can say it, Papa.”

“Listen carefully to the way I say it,” Evan said. “Then say it that way. Say it that way the first time. I love you,” he said in the language. “Now say it, darling.”

“I love you,” the girl said in the language, saying it perfectly.

“Say it again,” he said. She said it again.

“Now, I’m going to say it to each of you,” he said, “and each of you say it back to me. I’m going to say it because it’s true, and I can say it best in my own language. Swan? I love you,” he said in the language.

“I love you, Evan,” Swan said in the language.

“Red?” he said. “I love you.”

“I love you, Papa,” Red said in the language.

“Eva? I love you,” he said in the language.

“I love you, Papa,” Eva said. “I love you, Mama. I love you, Red,” she said in the language.

“That’s today’s lesson,” Evan said.

When they reached the Walz house everybody was ready to go. The baskets were put away in the car and everybody got in.

“I’ve got to call Bart,” Evan said. “I’ve asked him to bring Cody to the picnic after work, if it’s all right. I told him I’d tell him where we’re going.”

“I think we can have more fun at Skaggs Bridge,” Walz said. “I’ll let you in. While I’m at it I’ll get us a drink.”

The minute he was through letting Bart know where the picnic was he told the operator to try the Palo Alto number again. Walz was in the kitchen fixing the drinks. Evan heard the phone ring, then the man’s voice. He did not bother about names.

“Listen to me carefully,” he said.

“Evan?” Milton Schweitzer said.

“Just listen to me carefully,” Evan said. “You don’t have children, but I do. You understand, I think. If I ever see you again, I will not kill you, because of my children, but I will nearly do so—with my hands. That’s all.”

He hung up and cursed in his own language.

In the kitchen Warren Walz had heard everything, but after a moment he came out of the kitchen as if he had heard nothing. He handed Evan his drink.

“We’d better gulp these down,” Evan said. “I don’t like to keep kids waiting.” He drank his drink, and Walz his.