Bel Kaufman - Up The Down Staircase

Hi, teach!

Looka her! She's a teacher?

Who she?

Is this 304? Are you Mr. Barringer?

No. I'm Miss Barrett.

I'm supposed to have Mr. Barringer.

I'm Miss Barrett.

You the teacher? You so young.

Hey she's cute! Hey, teach, can I be in your class?

Please don't block the doorway. Please come in.

Good afternoon, Miss Barnet.

Miss Barrett. My name is on the blackboard. Good morning.

O, no! A dame for homeroom?

You want I should slug him, teach?

Is this homeroom period?

Yes. Sit down, please.

I don't belong here.

We gonna have you all term? Are you a regular or a sub?

There's not enough chairs!

Take any seat at all.

Hey, where do we sit?

Is this 309?

Someone swiped the pass. Can I have a pass?

What's your name?

My name is on the board.

I can't read your writing.

I gotta go to the nurse. I'm dying.

Don't believe him, teach. He ain't dying!

Can I sharpen my pencil in the office?

Why don't you leave the teacher alone, you bums?

Can we sit on the radiator? That's what we did last term.

Hi, teach! You the homeroom?

Pipe down, your morons! Don't you see the teacher's trying to say something?

Please sit down. I'd like to—

Hey, the bell just rung!

How come Mrs. Singer's not here? She was in this room last term.

When do we go home?

The first day of school, he wants to go home already!

That bell is your signal to come to order. Will you please—

Can I have a pass to a drink of water?

You want me to alphabetize for you?

What room is this?

This is room 304. My name is on the board: Miss Barrett. I'll have you for homeroom all term, and I hope to meet some of you in my English classes. Now, someone once said that first impressions—

English! No wonder!

Who needs it?

You give homework?

First impressions, they say, are lasting. What do we base our first—Yes? Do you belong in this class?

No. Mr. McHabe wants Ferone right away.

Who?

McHabe.

Whom does he want?

Joe Ferone.

Is Joe Ferone here?

Him? That's a laugh!

He'll show up when he feels like it.

Put down that window-pole, please. We all know that first impressions—Yes?

Is this 304?

Yes. You're late.

I'm not late. I'm absent.

You are?

I was absent all last term.

Well—sit down.

I can't. I'm dropping out. You're supposed to sign my Book Clearance from last term.

Do you owe any books?

I'm not on the Blacklist! That's a yellow slip. This here is a green!

Hey, isn't the pass back yet?

Quit your shoving!

He started it, teach!

I'd like you to come to order, please. I'm afraid we won't have time for the discussion on first impressions I had planned. I'm passing out—

Hey, she's passing out!

Give her air!

—Delaney cards. You are to fill them out at once while I take attendance from the Roll Book. Standees—line up in back of the room; you may lean on the wall to write. Print, in ink, your last name first, your parent's name, your date of birth, your address, my name—it's on the board—and the same upside down. I'll make out a seating plan in the Delaney Book. Any questions?

In ink or pencil?

I got no ink—can I use pencil? Who's got a pencil to loan me?

I don't remember when I was born.

Don't mind him—he's a comic.

Print or write?

When do we go to lunch?

I can't write upside down!

Ha-ha. He kills me laughing!

What do you need my address for? My father can't come.

Someone robbed my ball-point!

I can't do it—I lost my glasses.

Are these going to be our regular seats—the radiator?

I don't know my address—we're moving.

Where are you moving?

I don't know where.

Where do you live?

I don't live no place.

Any place. You, young man, why are you late?

I'm not even here. I'm in Mr. Loomis. My uncle's in this class. He forgot his lunch. Hi, Tony—catch!

Please don't throw—Yes, what is it?

This Mrs. Singer's room?

Yes. No. Not anymore.

Anyone find a sneaker from last term?

Hey, teach, can we use a pencil?

You want these filled out now?

There's chewing gum on my seat!

First name last or last name first?

I gotta have a pass to the Men's Room. I know my rights; this is a democracy, ain't it?

Isn't. What's the trouble now?

There's glass all over my desk from the window.

Please don't do that. Don't touch that broken window. It should be reported to the custodian. Does anyone—

I'll go!

Me! Let me go! That's Mr. Grayson—I know where he is in the basement!

All right. Tell him it's urgent. And who are you?

I'm sorry I'm late. I was in Detention.

The what?

The Late Room. Where they make you sit to make up your lateness when you come late.

All right, sit down. I mean, stand up—over there, against the wall.

For parent's name, can I use my aunt?

Put down your mother's name.

I got no mother.

Well—do the best you can. Yes, young lady?

The office sent me. Read this to your class and sign here.

May I have your attention, please. Please, class!

There's been a change in today's assembly schedule, listen carefully :

PLEASE IGNORE PREVIOUS INSTRUCTIONS IN CIRCULAR #3, PARAGRAPHS 5 AND 6, AND FOLLOW THE FOLLOWING:

THIS MORNING THERE WILL BE A LONG HOMEROOM PERIOD EXTENDING INTO THE FIRST HALF OF THE SECOND PERIOD. ALL X2 SECTIONS ARE TO REPORT TO ASSEMBLY THE SECOND HALF OF THE SECOND PERIOD. FIRST PERIOD CLASSES WILL BEGIN THE FOURTH PERIOD, SECOND PERIOD CLASSES WILL BEGIN THE FIFTH PERIOD, THIRD PERIOD CLASSES WILL BEGIN THE SIXTH PERIOD, AND SO ON, SUBJECT CLASSES BEING SHORTENED TO 23 MINUTES IN LENGTH, EXCEPT LUNCH, WHICH WILL BE NORMAL.

I can't hear you—what did you say?

They're drilling on the street!

Close the window.

I can't—I'll suffocate!

This is a long homeroom?

What's today's date?

It's September, stupid!

Your attention, please, I'm not finished:

SINCE IT IS DIFFICULT TO PROVIDE ADEQUATE SEATING SPACE FOR ALL STUDENTS UNDER EXISTING FACILITIES, THE OVERFLOW IS TO STAND IN THE AISLES UNTIL THE SALUTE TO THE FLAG AND THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER ARE COMPLETED, AFTER WHICH THE OVERLOW MAY NOT REMAIN STANDING IN THE AISLES UNLESS SO DIRECTED FROM THE PLATFORM. THIS IS A FIRE LAW. DR. CLARKE WILL EXTEND A WARM WELCOME TO ALL NEW STUDENTS; HIS TOPIC WILL BE "OUR CULTURAL HERITAGE." ANY STUDENT FOUND TALKING OR EATING LUNCH IN ASSEMBLY IS TO BE REPORTED AT ONCE TO MR. McHABE.

Water! I gotta have water! My throat is parching!

He thinks he's funny!

May I have your attention?

No!

TOMORROW ALL Y2 SECTIONS WILL FOLLOW TODAY'S PROGRAM FOR X2 SECTIONS WHILE ALL X2 SECTIONS WILL FOLLOW TODAY'S PROGRAM FOR Y2 SECTIONS.

Where do we go?

What period is this?

The two boys in the back—stop throwing that board eraser. Please come to order; there's more:

Is this assembly day?

BE SURE TO USE THE ROWS ASSIGNED TO YOU:

THERE IS TO BE NO SUBSTITUTION.