Bel Kaufman: Up The Down Staircase

But when I had written my name on the blackboard in my room, for a moment I had the strange feeling that it wasn't spelled right. It looked unfamiliar — white and drowning in that hard black sea. ...

I am writing this during my lunch period, because I need to reach towards the outside world of sanity, because I am overwhelmed by the sheer weight of the clerical work still to be done, and because at this hour of the morning normal ladies are still sleeping.

We have to punch—

FROM: JAMES J. MCHABE, ADM. ASST.

TO: MISS BARRETT, 304

Why do you need so many paper-clips? Supplies are running low. All out of desk blotters. All out of rubber bands. And all out of board erasers. No red pencils — only blue. Can let you have half envelope of chalk — all out of boxes. Chalk is not to be wasted. No unauthorized students are to use it.

JJ McH

TO: ALL TEACHERS

Please ignore the bells.

Sadie Finch

Chief Clerk

FROM: SYLVIA BARRETT

TO: DR. SAMUEL BESTER

Enclosed are my registers in my five English classes. I find that my teaching-load is 223 students per day and that my average is not 33 but 44 3/5 students per class.

39 + 46 + 46 + 51 +41 = 223 / 5 = 44 3/5

Also, the Book Room has no Mill on the Floss — only Julius Caesar , and only enough for three-fourths of the class.

S. Barrett

FROM: DR. SAMUEL BESTER

CHAIRMAN, LANGUAGE ARTS DEPT.

TO: MISS BARRETT

Dear Miss Barrett,

Let it be a challenge to you.

S. Bester

DDENDUM TO ETHICAL STANDARDS:

TRANSPORTATION CARDS ARE NOT TO BE SIGNED UNLESS STUDENTS ARE ENTITLED TO TRANSPORTATION. WE HAVE HAD AN EPIDEMIC OF MISREPRESENTATION ON TRANSPORTATION CARDS.

INSTILL IN YOUR STUDENTS PROPER BEHAVIOR ON PUBLIC VEHICLES TO AND FROM SCHOOL. INFRACTIONS OF COMMON COURTESY IN OR AROUND THE VICINITY OF THE SCHOOL, REFLECT ON CALVIN COOLIDGE AND DISTORT OUR PUBLIC IMAGE.

NO WRITTEN PASSES ARE TO BE ISSUED TO LAVATORIES, SINCE THEY ARE EASILY DUPLICATED BY THE STUDENTS. ONLY WOODEN LAVATORY PASSES ARE TO BE HONORED.

JAMES J. MCHABE, ADM. ASST.

Miss Barrett—

Joseph Ferone disrupted my 5th period math class through the door. He belonged in your English class that period but left your room without a pass.

Edward Williams of your homeroom talked in Assembly this morning.

Please take appropriate measures.

Frederick Loomis

Dear Mrs. Barnet, He said to apologize in writing but I didn't even talk in assembly today, teachers have it in for me because I am color. Loomis flunked me in math last term, it's not fair because I was in class a lot. He flunked me in hist. too even though it's not his subject. Teachers give the subject a bad name. He said he'll report me because he's prejudice.

Edward Williams, Esq.

FROM: JAMES MCHABE, ADM. ASST.

TO: ALL TEACHERS

AT THE END OF THE HOMEROOM PERIOD, PLEASE SEND TO ME THOSE STUDENTS WHO HAVE FAILED TO REPORT FOR CHECK-OUT BECAUSE THEY HAVE LEFT THE BUILDING.

JJ McH

Bea — As for above — I'd like to oblige him, but how do I send him kids who aren't there?

Puzzled

INTRASCHOOL COMMUNICATION

FROM: 508

TO: 304

Dear Puzzled —

Let it be a challenge to you.

Bea

FROM: JAMES J. MCHABE, ADM. ASST.

TO: ALL TEACHERS

DUE BEFORE THREE

Please fill out and send to 211 before 3 today the enclosed report on Physical Condition of Room. This is done monthly to insure the safety of all students. Check defects, if any, and name specifically any deviations or hazards.

JJ McH

ROOM: 304

TEACHER: S. BARRETT, SEPTEMBER 9

Door off hinges & banging — hazard!

Sliding wardrobe panel doesn't close; side blackboard is on it and cannot be used. Deviation.

Book case in back of room missing 1/2 its door; can't be closed. Also, shelf splintered. Deviation and hazard.

Teacher's desk missing two drawers. Deviation.

Window in back of room broken; scattered glass — hazard.

S. Barrett

TO: ALL TEACHERS

Disregard Bells.

Sadie Finch

Chief Clerk

FROM: JAMES J. MCHABE, ADM. ASST.

TO: ALL TEACHERS

THE FOLLOWING MATERIAL AND NO OTHER IS TO BE PLACED IN THE CENTER DRAWER OF YOUR DESK IN THE ROOM WHERE YOUR OFFICIAL CLASS MEETS AND LOCKED UP WITH KEY PROVIDED FOR THE PURPOSE. THIS MATERIAL IS TO BE KEPT LOCKED UP AT ALL TIMES EXCEPT WHEN IN USE BY TEACHER OR OTHER AUTHORIZED AGENT: ROLL BOOK, ATTENDANCE PADS, ABSENTEE POSTAL CARDS, SEATING PLAN, EMERGENCY SLIPS, EXCUSE SLIPS, TRANSCRIPT SHEETS, PROGRAM CARDS (IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER), CONSENT SLIPS, TRUANT SLIPS (BLUE), PARENT LETTERS #1 (YELLOW), PARENT LETTERS #2 (PINK), EXTRACURRICULAR CREDIT CARDS, AND LUNCH PERMITS.

JJ McH

Dear Mr. McHabe—

My problem is: I've got the material all right, and the key, but no center drawer. As a matter of fact, two whole drawers are missing from my desk. Please advise.

S. Barrett

ADDENDUM TO CIRCULAR # 108 ON SHELTER AREA DRILLS:

AT SIGNAL (THREE BELLS REPEATED THREE TIMES) FOLLOW EXITS AND CONVERGE INTO CENTER AREA BETWEEN PARALLEL BARS IN BASEMENT GYM. TO INSURE MAXIMUM SAFETY, ABSOLUTE SILENCE IS TO BE MAINTAINED AT ALL TIMES DURING THIS IMPORTANT DRILL. DO NOT LEAN ON HORSES.

JAMES J. MCHABE

ADM. ASST.

FROM: S. Barrett, 304

TO: Mr. Grayson, Custodian, Basement

Dear Mr. Grayson,

I need 11 additional chairs for 304, and someone to repair broken window and clean up scattered glass — health hazard!

S. Barrett

No one down here.

INTRASCHOOL COMMUNICATION

FROM: 304

TO: 508

Dear Bea—

What a curious place this is, where bells are rung to be ignored, where children are safe from atomic annihilation if they do not lean on gym horses, where a cry in the wilderness remains unheard. Is there "no one down there," ever?

Syl

COPY TO: Dr. Clarke Dr. Bester Mrs. Egan

Dear Miss Barrett,

It has come to my attention that you have neglected to fill out a Form B221 Accident Report of a fall from a chair incurred by a student in your official class. Such negligence may result in serious consequences. The safety of the students in our charge is paramount at all times. Before leaving the building today, you will please make out this report in triplicate, signed by the witnesses who witnessed the above accident.

JAMES J. MCHABE

ADM. ASST.

(No purpose is served in blaming defective equipment for failure to comply with instructions on locking up confidential records.)

JJ McH

Miss Barrett,

The theft of a valuable wallet from a student's unlocked locker on or about the 5th period today has just been reported to me. One of your students was observed loitering in the vicinity without a pass and is a strong suspect.

See me at the end of the afternoon homeroom.

JJ McH

Adm. Asst.

TO: ALL TEACHERS

Please ascertain and send to me before three o'clock today the number of students in your homeroom who have not had a hot breakfast this morning. POOR NUTRITION IS FREQUENTLY THE CAUSE OF POOR MARKS.