Bel Kaufman: Up The Down Staircase

SCHOOL NURSE

CIRCULAR # 5B

TOPIC: TEACHERS' WELFARE

PLEASE KEEP ALL CIRCULARS ON FILE, IN THEIR ORDER

TEACHERS SHALL BE REQUIRED TO REPORT TO PRINCIPALS AND PRINCIPALS SHALL BE REQUIRED TO REPORT TO THE ASSOCIATE SUPERINTENDENT FOR PERSONNEL AND TO THE LAW SECRETARY ALL CASES OF ASSAULT SUFFERED BY TEACHERS IN CONNECTION WITH THEIR EMPLOYMENT.

TO: ALL TEACHERS

CALVIN COOLIDGE IS WAGING AN ALL-OUT CAMPAIGN AGAINST LATENESS AND SMOKING IN LAVATORIES. SEND LEGITIMATE LATENESSES TO LATENESS COORDINATOR, ROOM 201. IF EXCUSE IS INVALID OR SUSPECT, SEND OFFENDERS TO ME, ROOM 211. PLEASE READ TO YOUR STUDENTS THE ENCLOSED LIST OF INFRACTIONS AND PENALTIES TO INSTILL IN THEM A SENSE OF CIVIC RESPONSIBILITY AND PUNCTUALITY.

POST IN PROMINENT PLACE IN HOMEROOM:

A STUDENT WHO IS LATE

MAY FAIL TO GRAD-U-ATE

JAMES J. MCHABE

ADM. ASST.

TO: ALL TEACHERS

STUDENTS ARE NOT TO BE SENT TO THE SCHOOL LIBRARY FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER WHILE TEACHERS ARE USING IT FOR THEIR RECORDS.

NO BOOKS ARE TO BE REMOVED FROM LIBRARY SHELVES BY STUDENTS OR TEACHERS UNTIL CARD CATALOGUE IS BROUGHT UP TO DATE.

CHARLOTTE WOLF

LIBRARIAN

TO: ALL ENGLISH TEACHERS

PLEASE SEND TO THE BOOK ROOM FOR THE FOLLOWING BOOKS SELECTED FOR YOUR CLASSES BY THE COMMITTEE ON CURRICULUM INTEGRATION:

ENGLISH 3— ESSAYS OLD AND NEW or MYTHS AND THEIR MEANING

ENGLISH 5— THE MILL ON THE FLOSS or A TALE OF TWO CITIES

DO NOT ALLOW STUDENTS TO PURCHASE PAPERBACK EDITIONS OF SHAKESPEARE AND OTHER AUTHORS: BECAUSE OF OUTSIDE PRESSURES, WE SHOULD NOT EXPOSE THEM TO INSUFFICIENTLY EDITED OR UNEXPURGATED TEXTS.

SAMUEL BESTER

CHAIRMAN, LANGUAGE ARTS DEPT.

FROM: JAMES J. MCHABE, ADM. ASST.

TO: ALL TEACHERS

RE: DISTRIBUTION OF BOOKS

BOOKS ARE THE MAGIC DOORS TO ADVENTURE AND KNOWLEDGE; THEY SHOULD BE TREASURED. KEEP ON FILE A BOOK RECEIPT FOR EVERY BOOK DISTRIBUTED. ALL BOOKS SHOULD BE COVERED AND STUDENTS SHOULD BE WARNED NOT TO DEFACE OR MUTILATE BOOKS. SIGN THE BOOK LABEL, INDICATING THAT YOU AGREE THAT THE LABEL HAS BEEN PROPERLY FILLED OUT, AND MAKE SURE THAT EACH BOOK HAS A NUMBER WHICH APPEARS ON THE INSIDE FRONT COVER AND AGAIN ON PAGE 43, IF THE BOOK HAS THAT MANY PAGES.

DISREGARD THE NUMBER ON THE FLY-LEAF.

LOVE OF READING LASTS A LIFETIME.

DEAR COLLEAGUE:

LOOKING FORWARD TO A NEW SCHOOL YEAR?

EEZYTERM CONFIDENTIAL LOAN COMPANY , WHICH I REPRESENT, CAN SOLVE YOUR FINANCIAL PROBLEMS: BROCHURE ENCLOSED.

Dear Miss Barette,

I need a dropout slip to work because I'm of age and my income is needed at home. Most of school is a waste anyhow, every period another subject Algebra French Eco English one after the other what good is it, it's all a Jumble and in each class the teacher tells you something different until you don't know who to believe.

I'm better off out.

Your pupil

Vince Arbuzzi

(I wasn't in Home Room due to the office unable to find my records this morning)

FROM: JAMES J. MCHABE, ADM. ASST.

TO: ALL TEACHERS

SINCE WE HAVE A LARGE PERCENTAGE OF DROP-OUTS, PLEASE MAKE EVERY EFFORT TO ENCOURAGE YOUR STUDENTS TO REMAIN IN SCHOOL BY POINTING OUT THE VALUES OF EDUCATION.

J J McH

CIRCULAR # 4

TOPIC: ETHICAL STANDARDS

PLEASE KEEP ALL CIRCULARS ON FILE, IN THEIR ORDER TO PROTECT OUR STUDENTS FROM THE TEMPTATION OF FRAUDULENT PRACTICES AND TO ASSURE TEACHERS OF THE AUTHENTICITY OF ALL DATA, THE FOLLOWING PRECAUTIONS MUST BE TAKEN:

1. SUBJECT TEACHERS ARE TO SIGN STUDENT PROGRAM CARDS IN INK, WITH THEIR FULL NAME, AS PROOF THAT STUDENT HAS APPEARED IN CLASS. NO INITIALS, PENCIL OR NAME-STAMPERS ARE ACCEPTABLE.

2. THE ABOVE IS ALSO TRUE OF ALL PASSES SIGNED BY THE TEACHER.

3. CHECK THE ROLL BOOK FOR NON-EXISTENT ADDRESSES AND NON-AUTHENTIC PARENT OR GUARDIAN, TO FACILITATE WORK OF TRUANT OFFICER.

4. IN MAKING ENTRIES ON RECORDS, DO NOT ERASE, SCRATCH OUT, OR USE INK ERADICATOR. CORRECTIONS ARE TO BE MADE ONLY WITH THE SIGNATURE OF THE PRINCIPAL OR ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT WHO WILL APPROVE THE CORRECTION.

5. DURING FIRE, SHELTER AREA OR OTHER EMERGENCY DRILLS, INFORM STUDENTS TO BE PARTICULARLY CAREFUL ABOUT THEIR VALUABLES. BOOKS AND NOTE BOOKS ARE TO BE LEFT BEHIND, BUT POCKETBOOKS AND WALLETS ARE TO BE HELD ON TO. WE HAVE HAD AN EPIDEMIC OF UNFORTUNATE INCIDENTS.

WITH THESE PRECAUTIONS IN MIND, WE CAN HELP OUR STUDENTS ACHIEVE THE HIGH ETHICAL STANDARDS WE EXPECT OF THEM.

JAMES J. MCHABE

ADM. ASST.

I WISH TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO EXTEND A WARM WELCOME TO ALL FACULTY AND STAFF, AND THE SINCERE HOPE THAT YOU HAVE RETURNED FROM A HEALTHFUL AND FRUITFUL SUMMER VACATION WITH RENEWED VIM AND VIGOR, READY TO GIRD YOUR LOINS AND TACKLE THE MANY IMPORTANT AND VITAL TASKS THAT LIE AHEAD UNDAUNTED. THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP AND COOPERATION IN THE PAST AND FUTURE.

MAXWELL E. CLARKE

PRINCIPAL

INTRASCHOOL COMMUNICATION

FROM: 508

TO: 304

Dear 304 — Just got your latest SOS. Don't let them lead you by the nose. They're testing you. Sit on them from the first moment to show you're boss; they can find out later how nice you really are. There is no such thing as an Early Dismissal Monitor or a Permanent Pass to the Water Fountain.

Bea

INTRASCHOOL COMMUNICATION

FROM: 508

TO: 304

Dear Syl — Serves you right! Never turn your back to the class when writing on the board— learn the overhead backhand. Never give a lesson on "lie and lay." Never raise your voice; let them stop talking to hear you. Never give up. And to thine own self be true.

(There is no such thing as a Social Intercourse Period!)

Bea

INTRASCHOOL COMMUNICATION

FROM: 304

TO: 508

Dear Bea—

What's a PRC?

Syl

INTRASCHOOL COMMUNICATION

FROM: 508

TO: 304

Dear Syl—

Sorry I couldn't answer sooner; was busy disentangling a kid from a wrong program.

PRC is the Permanent Record Card; in it you will find the CC, or "Capsule Characterization" — a pregnant phrase composed about each student at the end of each term by his homeroom teacher. In the PRC is the PPP (It almost sings, doesn't it?). That's the "Pupil Personality Profile", invented by Ella Friedenberg, Guidance Counselor. She thinks she's Freud, but actually, she's Peeping Tom. She has based her PPP's on such interviews with kids as: "Why do you hate your parents?" "What is your sexual problem?" Avoid her. Also avoid McHabe — he's in charge of Discipline and Supplies. He can't bear to part with a paper clip; ask him for a red pencil and he blanches. Dr. Clarke will avoid you. He's really a Mr. but prefers, for reasons of prestige, to be called Dr. Do so. He exists mainly as a signature on the circulars; sometimes he materializes in assembly and makes a speech on "Education For Life"; occasionally he conducts important visitors through the school. Most of the kids think Grayson is principal: he's the distinguished gentleman with the white mane who is "The Custodial Staff." If your ceiling should fall down, send a note to the basement. He'll probably say he isn't there, but at least you've tried.