Bel Kaufman: Up The Down Staircase

Excuse me, I'm from Guidance. Miss Friedenberg wants Joe Ferone right away.

He isn't here. Will you pass your Delaney cards down, please, while I—

I didn't start yet! I'm waiting for the pen.

How do you spell your name?

Hey, he threw the board eraser out the window!

Will you please—

Here's my admit. He says I was loitering.

Who?

McHabe.

Mr. McHabe.

Either way.

Now class, please finish your Delaney cards while I call the roll.

I didn't finish!

I never got no Delaney!

Any. Yes?

Mr. Manheim next door wants to borrow your board eraser.

I'm afraid it's gone. Please, class—

You give extra credit for alphabetizing?

We go to assembly today?

You want me to go down for the stuff from your letter-box, Miss Barnet?

All right. Now we'll just have to—

I can't write—I got a bum hand.

You gonna be our teacher?

Please come to order while I take attendance. And correct me if I mispronounce your name; I know how annoying that can be. I hope to get to know all of you soon. Abrams, Harry?

Here.

Quiet, please, so I can hear you. Allen, Frank?

Absent.

Absent?

He ain't here.

Isn't. Amdur, Janet?

Here.

Mr. Grayson says there's no one down there.

How can he say that when he's there?

That's what he says. Any answer?

No. Amdur, Janet?

I was here already.

Arbuzzi, Vincent? Yes, what do I have to sign now?

Nothing. I came back from the bathroom.

Can I have the pass?

Me, I'm next!

I said it first!

Blake, Alice?

I'm present, Miss Barrett.

Blanca, Carmelita?

Carole . I changed my name.

Blanca, Carole?

Here.

Borden—Yes?

Miss Finch wants you to make this out right away.

I'm in the middle of taking attendance. Borden—

She needs it right away.

Excuse me, class.

IN THE TWO COLUMNS LABELED MALE AND FEMALE, INDICATE THE NUMBER OF STUDENTS IN YOUR HOMEROOM SECTION BORN BETWEEN THE FOLLOWING DATES—

Please don't tilt that chair—Boy in the back—I'm talking to you—Oh!

So I fell. Big deal. Stop laughing, you bums, or I'll knock your brains out!

Are you hurt?

Naw, just my head.

You've got to make out an accident report, Miss Barrett, three copies, and send him to the nurse.

Aw, she ain't even allowed to give out aspirins.

Only tea.

Get your feet offa me!

You call this a chair?

He can sue the whole Board of Education!

Perhaps you'd better go to the nurse. And ask her for the accident report blanks. Yes, what can I do for you?

Miss Friedenberg wants last term's Service Credit cards.

I wasn't here last term. And what do you want?

Miss Finch is waiting for the attendance reports and absentee cards.

I'm in the middle of—Yes?

The office wants to know are the transportation cards ready?

The what cards?

Bus and subway.

No. Yes?

You're supposed to read this to the class. It's from the liberry.

Library. May I have your attention, please?

THE SCHOOL LIBRARY IS YOUR LIBRARY. ALL STUDENTS ARE ENCOURAGED TO USE IT AT ALL TIMES.

STUDENTS ON THE LIBRARY BLACKLIST ARE NOT TO RECEIVE THEIR PROGRAM CARDS UNTIL THEY HAVE PAID FOR LOST OR MUTILATED BOOKS.

THE LIBRARY WILL BE CLOSED TO STUDENTS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE TO ENABLE TEACHERS TO USE IT AS A WORKROOM FOR THEIR PRC ENTRIES.

Yes, who sent you here?

You did. Here's the stuff from your letter-box. Where do I dump it?

Is that all for me?

Excuse me, the nurse says she's all out of accident reports, but she wants the missing dentals.

The missing what?

Dental notes.

I see. And what is it you want?

New change in assembly program. Your class goes to different rows. X2 schedule rows.

I see. And you?

Mr. McHabe says do you need any posters for your room decoration?

Tell Mr. McHabe what I really need is—Yes?

The office wants the list of locker numbers for each student.

I haven't even—Yes?

This is urgent. You're supposed to read and sign.

TO ALL TEACHERS: A BLUE PONTIAC PARKED IN FRONT OF SCHOOL HAS BEEN OVERTURNED BY SOME STUDENTS. IF THE FOLLOWING LICENSE IS YOURS—

Tell Mr. McHabe I don't drive. Now, class—

Hurray! Saved by the bell!

Just a minute—the bell seems to be fifteen minutes early. It may be a mistake. We have so much to— Please remain in your—

That's the bell ! You heard it!

All the other teachers are letting them out!

But we must finish the—

When the bell rings, we're supposed to go!

Where do we go, assembly?

Please sit down. I'd like to—We haven't—Well. It looks as if you and I are the only ones left. Your name is—?

Alice Blake, Miss Barrett. I just wanted you to know how much I enjoyed your lesson.

Thank you, but it wasn't really a—Yes, young lady?

I'm from the office. She says to announce this to your class right away.

PLEASE DISREGARD THE BELLS. STUDENTS ARE TO REMAIN IN THEIR HOMEROOMS UNTIL THE WARNING BELL RINGS.

I'm afraid they've all gone.

I've got to go too, Miss Barrett. I wish I had you for English, but my program says Mr. Barringer.

I'm sure he's a fine teacher, Alice, and that you'll do well with him.

You Barrett?

What's that, young man?

Late pass.

That's no way to hand it to me. Throwing it like that on my desk—

My aim is bad.

There's no need for insolence. Please take that toothpick out of your mouth when you talk to me. And take your hands out of your pockets.

Which first?

What's your name?

You gonna report me?

What's your name?

You gonna give me a zero?

I'm afraid I've had just about—What's your name?

Joe.

Joe what?

Ferone. You gonna send a letter home? Take away my lollipop? Lecture me? Spank me?

All I asked—

Yeah. All you asked.

I don't allow anyone to talk to me like that.

So you're lucky—you're a teacher!

INTRASCHOOL COMMUNICATION

FROM: Mrs. Beatrice Schachter, Room 508

TO: Miss Sylvia Barrett, Room 304

Dear Syl—

Welcome to the fold! I hope it goes well with you on this, your first day. If you need help, just holler; I'm in 508.

What's your program? Can we synchronize our lunch periods?

Fondly,

Bea

INTRASCHOOL COMMUNICATION

FROM: Miss Sylvia Barrett, Room 304

TO: Mrs. Beatrice Schachter, Room 508

Dear Bea—

Help!

I'm buried beneath an avalanche of papers, I don't understand the language of the country, and what do I do about a kid who calls me "Hi, teach!"?

Syl

INTRASCHOOL COMMUNICATION

FROM: Room 508

TO: Room 304

Nothing. Maybe he calls you Hi, teach ! because he likes you. Why not answer Hi, pupe ?

The clerical work is par for the course. "Keep on file in numerical order" means throw in waste-basket. You'll soon learn the language. "Let it be a challenge to you" means you're stuck with it; "interpersonal relationships" is a fight between kids; "ancillary civic agencies for supportive discipline" means call the cops; "Language Arts Dept." is the English office; "literature based on child's reading level and experiential background" means that's all they've got in the Book Room; "non-academic-minded" is a delinquent; and "It has come to my attention" means you're in trouble.