Liz Fraser - The Yummy Mummy’s Survival Guide

To counteract this strange group of women who house a black hole in their abdomen is another unlikely type who, apparently , know they are pregnant the second a sperm arrives, gasping, at an ovum. These same ladies can usually tell you the sex, weight and IQ of the unborn child as well.

For the rest of us (who also don’t believe that a swan can break your arm or that you can really think yourself slim), learning that we are pregnant is life-changing news, confirmed by a strip of blue ink about a centimetre long and a millimetre wide which smells of wee. Cruelly, this line is almost impossible to see if you are desperate for a baby, and is impossible to miss if you’re hoping that you’re just a bit late because of the recent extra stress at work.

Taking a pregnancy test isn’t like waiting for the lottery result, or standing on the scales after a week’s skiing and fondue-eating. It’s a huge deal. If you’ve ever stood in the loo with a thong around your ankles, holding a white plastic pen-like object to the light and straining your eyes in the desperate hope for a trace, any trace at all , of something which could possibly pass for a blue or even a blue- ish streak while time stands still and your bottom freezes, then you’ll understand what I mean. I remember asking my husband after several negative tests if he was absolutely sure he couldn’t see anything there, and he suggested I go and have my eyes checked instead of my hormone levels.

Before taking a pregnancy test, there are some tell-tale signs of possible pregnancy to look out for, but not everyone gets any of these, so don’t worry if you feel perfectly normal—you may well be pregnant, but just be one of the very lucky few who are in for an easy ride…here’s hoping!

Missed period.Duh. No, really?

Extreme tiredness.I really do mean extreme here: it’s not just ‘more tired than normal’, but an overwhelming, unbeatable exhaustion unlike any other, which leaves you falling asleep in meetings, feeling like a lead weight and crawling into bed at 7.30. It does pass though!

Weeing between ad-breaks.If you can’t make it until the next commercial break for a trip to the loo, go back and check your dates again.

Tender breasts and nipples.Not necessarily sore , but much more sensitive than normal, in a bad way. Fondling is not welcomed, and going bra-less is impossible.

Feeling bloated. As most of us feel like this at some point in the month it’s not such a good indicator, but if it’s much more than usual and combined with tenderness in your abdomen, then there could be a teeny, weeny bun in there.

Feeling or being sick. (Unless you drank two bottles of wine the night before, in which case it’s just a bad hangover.) This sickness is not restricted to the morning, so if you’re talking to God on the big white telephone every evening, something might be afoot.

If you’ve experienced any, all or none of these things and you think you might be pregnant, it’s probably time for a test to confirm things. Pregnancy tests are unbelievably accurate, and can detect the tiniest increases in hormone levels, so they are a very good way of getting an answer. But, before you rush to Boots, here are some survival tips for taking pregnancy tests:

Don’t do too many.They are very expensive, and you usually have to take several, because it’s the wrong time of the month, you drop it in the toilet (I’ve done that four times!) or you just refuse to believe the result. I’ve spent a small fortune on them over my three pregnancies, and, looking back, I wasted a lot of money. If you can, try to wait a few days between tests (the packet should tell you exactly how many), and if you still have any doubts ask for a free test from your kind GP.

Get it over with.Waiting for the best moment to do a test is futile: you will be so wound up with nerves that you’ll mess it up and have to do another one. Get up, wee, look, and then cry either way.

Don’t worry about doing it right.If you are, you are: whether you’ve had a glass of water first, or have drunk too much coffee, or weed on it for eight seconds instead of five, if you’re pregnant the test will be positive. Almost definitely. But do get confirmation if you want to be sure.

When that moment happens, and the little window signals the end of your life as you know it, you cannot predict how you will react. Some of my friends fainted (a tad over-dramatic I’d say), others cried or laughed or screamed with delight (or woe—they’re never quite clear on why they screamed…). I tended to be quite quiet, which always surprised me, as I imagined I would at least whoop a little . Perhaps it was just the fact that I was still naked from the waist down.

Tired, Tired, Tired

We’ve all been tired. We’ve been tired after partying too hard, working too hard or making babies too hard.

When you are pregnant, however, you will experience a new kind of tiredness—actually a kind of total, numbing exhaustion—which is so intense and overpowering that you might mistake it for certain, impending death. This sudden, debilitating tiredness was always my first clue that I was pregnant, and every time it left me baffled: how can something so tiny reduce a grown woman to a useless heap? When you’re seven months down the line and hauling about a considerable amount of bulk around with you, feeling exhausted will seem perfectly understandable. But not in the first few weeks! There’s nothing there ! You can’t see anything, feel anything, or, worse still, tell anyone yet, so you have to suffer in complete silence.

Survival Tips

Lie.If you are not ready to tell anyone yet, then you will need to have some fantastic ‘Oh, yeah, I was at another amazing party last night’ stories lined up if you are to explain why the bags under your eyes are bigger than the ones you come back carrying after an extended lunch-break, and why you are suddenly falling asleep at your desk several times before morning coffee (which you are suddenly not drinking…)

Don’t fight it.This is not the kind of tiredness that can be outdone by regular double-espressos. During pregnancy, your body is very good at letting you know what’s needed, and the intensity of tiredness in the early stages can only mean that you should get as much sleep as possible. I went to sleep well before anything decent was on telly for the whole of this miserable period, and it was a very wise move, if very boring. Maybe Nature is just preparing you for the decades of sleepless nights to come…

Indulge in some pampering.Falling asleep because you’re tired is one thing, but dozing off because you are so relaxed that your legs can’t move any more is quite another. Treat yourself, and these weeks will glide by in an aromatherapeutic haze. Ahhhhhhh.