Liz Fraser - The Yummy Mummy’s Survival Guide

Contrary to what you may have heard, reflexology cannot bring on a miscarriage, but most reflexologists won’t treat women in the first three months of pregnancy because that’s when the risk is highest naturally and they don’t want hefty lawsuits. Fair enough. After this, you can have your aching feet prodded and squished as much as you like, unless you have a pre-term labour (before 37 weeks, but what are you having reflexology for if you’re in pre-term labour?!), you suffer from placenta previa (low-lying placenta) or hydro amnios (too much water around the baby). Ask your midwife if you are unsure.

The benefits of reflexology include helping to relieve back pain, curing insomnia and digestive problems, and having somebody touch your feet which is my idea of Heaven at any time.

Keeping Up Appearances à la Maison

Unfortunately, it’s not within most of our budgetary limits to have weekly facials and daily neck and shoulder massages. Damn. But leaving time to pamper yourself at home is just as good for day-to-day survival. This is also true of looking after your basic make-up and the way you dress: you obviously don’t need the most expensive products or a stylist to help you out. Just making some time to wash and dry your hair nicely and taking some extra care over your makeup can give you a cheap but very effective morale boost to get you through the toughest ‘my bum is massive in this’ day.

Home Facials

I always have hundreds of face-mask sachets promising one beauty miracle or another in my bathroom, and they certainly didn’t get ignored when I was pregnant. Your skin will need more pampering and care than it ever has before, as your baby starts to drain every ounce of goodness from your body, and a moisture-replacing, glow-enhancing, dead-cell-removing, mood-lifting face mask will be the cure to your greyness.

Great Exfoliators:Clarins Doux Peeling, Dermalogica Daily Microfoliant and No. 7 Gentle Renewing No Grains Exfoliator.

Great Masks:Botanics Vitamin Recovery Mask, The Body Shop Vitamin E Mask, and Elemis Exotic Cream Moisturising Mask for dry, dull skin. Nivea Visage Active Purifying Face Mask, Crabtree & Evelyn Deep Cleansing China Clay Mask or The Sanctuary Mint and Rosemary Mask for upset, spotty skin.

Great Moisturisers:Olay Total Effects Time Resist Moisturiser, Dr Hauschka Rose Day Cream, Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturising Lotion, Lancome Hydra Zen Reinforced Skin De-Stressing Hydration Cream.

Great Eye Treatments:Elemis Absolute Eye Mask, Lancome Primordiale Optimum Yeux.

Great Hair Treatments:John Frieda Frizz-Ease Miraculous Recovery Deep Conditioning Treatment, The Body Shop Olive Glossing Conditioner.

Great Body Treats:Elemis Frangipani Monoi Moisture Melt, Body Shop Shea Body Butter, Dove Silkening Body Lotion.

Mother-to-Be Treats:The Sanctuary Mum To Be Body Cream, Natalia Perfect Pregnancy Kit Bodycare by Vital Touch.

Debbie, mother of Luke, three, and Helena, eleven months

While I was still in the hospital I shaved my legs, put on a refreshing face pack and painted my finger—and toe-nails. When the health visitor called at my house the next day, she looked at me, in my Monsoon shirt, flowing skirt and full make-up, and asked if I was my sister. She couldn’t believe I had just had a baby, but I felt wonderful. Fully me, and fully ready to tackle the day’s chores.

Sex:How, Why And When?

Sex may not be foremost on your mind as your pregnancy really starts to take shape (as it were), but it’s still there, and it needs some attention too. Pregnancy can have a huge effect on your attitude towards sex, and whatever your experience, somebody else will be feeling the same way.

Some women become nymphomaniacs, others go off sex completely for the rest of their lives, and most fall somewhere in between.

Dealing with the WHYfirst, there are two answers I have found: firstly, because you still can, and secondly, because if you don’t you will worry about your lack of interest, and that your partner, becoming paralysingly frustrated, will run off with next-door’s nanny while you turn into a miserable old prune. The first part is very real: when you are super-huge, sex becomes physically impossible, if not dangerous to whoever happens to be underneath you. Once the baby is born you won’t be able to have sex for a good few weeks, or even months, and after that you will have to schedule it in between ‘go to bed’ and ‘fall asleep’, which can only amount to about ten seconds, on a good day.

HOWis up to you really, but any chandeliers, trapezes and highly penetrative sex toys are out for now. Sorry. Vibrators are still cool, but careful where you put them is all I’d say: easy does it…Lying on your back is uncomfortable and unwise for long periods of time now, because the baby is getting heavy and it presses down on your back and reduces your blood flow. Get a book and play around, because I’m sure as hell not going to tell you how we did it!

WHEN?Whenever you can. And can be bothered. And don’t feel sick, or have terrible heartburn (although my husband swears he knows the best cure for that, if you know what I mean…), or are too tired, or want to sit in the bath squeezing colostrum out of your nipples instead. It’s your call, because you are the pregnant one here.

Oh, and masturbation is still fine. Quick, effective, painless and risk-free.

TOP TIP: Less of a tip than a request, really. Please, please keep having sex as much as you can while you are pregnant. It’s so easy to put it on hold for a while, but getting your mojo back when you’ve been ‘on a break’ for several months is really difficult. You will need all the help you can to feel like a sexy, horny, desirable, nubile young thing once you become a Yummy Mummy as it is, and sex is one of the best ways of keeping in touch with the old you.

The F Word:I am Definitely the Fattest Person in the World

No you’re not. You are pregnant. Reminding yourself that you are pregnant and not fat doesn’t make it any easier or less distressing at the time, alas: when you start to feel big, bloated and shapeless it’s horrible, and you won’t be able to see past your growing abdomen and convince yourself that it’s actually not that bad. However, to most other, rational people you look lovely and womanly.

TOP SURVIVAL TIPSfor this stage:

Don’t spend hours looking at yourselfin front of the mirror from all angles, wondering if you are still the same shape when you try really hard to imagine the bump isn’t there. It’s hopeless.

It’s impossible to be objective.To your pregnant eyes, everything is bigger. And bigger is definitely not better right now.

Don’t ask your partner’s opinion.It’s very unfair, because he can only either lie to you or be the target of your pregnant wrath and loathing. You won’t believe him anyway, because you are convinced that you are fat, so leave him out of it. Poor bloke.