Julia Deering - The Playful Parent - 7 ways to happier, calmer, more creative days with your under-fives

I’m not saying that a little TV watching or a short time on screen-based activities can’t be useful (in fact, it features in the chapter Stay and Play), it’s just that now there is so much on offer 24/7 that we have to be really on top of just how much our little ones are exposed to.

But here’s the good news: by having other, more playful, options up our sleeve, we can nurture independent play habits for our children as they approach school age; play that is creative, often physical, involves learning and is in the real world, in real time. As the National Literacy Trust tells us, encouraging independent play is much more beneficial to toddler and preschool learning than anything our children will see on screen.

Setting the rules for screen time

If you do occasionally want to use screen time, here are some tips that may help to keep you in control:

Set limits in advance and be disciplined about keeping them.

Consider showing full-length feature films in a series of instalments.

Choose what your tot watches and uses wisely and always supervise them as they watch. Even better, stay and play with them while they are involved in any screen-based activity.

Think of TV and App use like sweets; you’d never hand over a whole bag of assorted treats to your tot – too many would make them sick, and you never know if there’s a hard toffee or a choking hazard of a boiled sweet in there. Select, share and limit the treat.

10-second set-ups are a way to play

By offering simple, self-explanatory and open-ended play prompts that either surprise or are somehow linked to what the adult is trying to do at the time, we can provide an initial spark of interest. The activity should then captivate, involve and absorb a young child for many independent minutes at a time, so freeing us up to feed the baby, make that call or open the mail. In time, they will start to come up with their own ideas – self-initiating positive play when they find themselves at a loose end.

There are numerous benefits to 10-second set-ups, both for you and your toddler or preschooler:

you get some downtime.

you have the opportunity to complete that task that needs adult-only attention, enjoy that cup of coffee, or have that conversation with another grown up.

your child goes back to being happily occupied, playing.

your child masters how to play independently and how to keep their flow of concentration.

their attention spans are given a good workout and will become more robust and lengthy.

your child becomes used to parents or carers being present but not required.

he or she develops numerous skills through playful activity.

you both get some quality time alone, but together.

a child’s temptation for sneaky ‘mischief-making’ behaviour is vastly reduced.

Which 10-second set-up?

The aim of any 10-second set-up is to promote independent play without you getting too involved – ten seconds should be long enough for you to offer the bait, and then your little one can take the play where they like. The actual complexity of the play will of course depend on the age of your child, their specific abilities, their dexterity, their maturity level, the set-up of your home and where you are.

Below are some tips to bear in mind when offering a 10-second set-up for your little one:

Don’t stop them if they are already immersed in independent play; just keep an idea up your sleeve in case they tune in to what you’re doing and can’t get back their flow, even when encouraged to.

A 10-second set-up should be about discovery and experience, not end product.

Keep it very simple, using just an idea, perhaps something you have prepared earlier, or something you have to hand wherever you are.

Make sure that you involve objects that are not always accessible to your little one, so they become more interesting and alluring.

Be low-key in your offering of the object or activity; if you make too much of it, your child might well be put off. Even better if they discover its presence by themselves.

Check the activity is open-ended, will naturally lead your child on to playing something else independently, or has the potential to be a long enough challenge or game that will keep them engaged for as long as you need.

Make sure the activity is pretty much self-explanatory and self-exploratory.

Don’t intervene if they’re playing with the stuff in a wholly different way to how you’d envisaged. Leave them be and let them play.

Try different set-ups often to keep them fresh and irresistible.

Think about the set-up’s element of surprise; it needs to be something that immediately grabs their attention.

Do listen out for genuine needs and always be subtly supervising.

Don’t expect every set-up to work every time.

Always be close at hand to keep an eye on your child, but try not to become involved in the activity – let them play independently.

Always check that the objects used for the set-ups are not choking hazards. This is especially important for the under-threes.

Older children might respond well to a timed activity, e.g. ‘when the timer goes off, Daddy will be finished and we can play something together’.

Be aware of your little one’s go-to type of play; if they’re mad on construction or imaginative play, for example, you can rely more on 10-second set-ups that spark playful activity in that direction.

Acknowledge to your child that they’ve allowed you to get your job done, if you made them aware that this was the purpose of this independent play time.

When I asked parents on Facebook what things their little ones seemed to resent them doing or just plain didn’t allow them to do without them wrapped around their legs, or equivalent, making phone calls or going to the toilet seemed to be most problematic. But there were numerous other everyday activities mentioned too, and some of these are listed below:

Grown-up activities, when children might need to ‘wait’:

Drying hair Eating Taking a shower Shaving Cleaning teeth Daily stretches, exercises or yoga practice Making a phone call Going to the toilet Getting dressed Sitting down Making a cup of tea Making a sandwich/cooking Fixing something Changing a light bulb Taking out the rubbish Opening the mail Clearing up after a meal Paying bills Making appointments Listening to the weather or traffic news on the radio Helping other children Feeding a baby Having a conversation with another adult