Julia Deering - The Playful Parent - 7 ways to happier, calmer, more creative days with your under-fives

But what about the times in between the transitional moments in the day, when we’re not needed to direct, help or move things along to the next, or more suitable, activity?

When children play

These in-between times – when your little one is oblivious to time passing and is happily occupied, independently busy, involved in an activity – are like manna from heaven when we first encounter them. And it’s in these moments we discover that, while they still need subtle supervision, our children really don’t need us to entertain them, or to be involved. This begins very early on, even when our children are babies, as parenting expert Janet Lansbury discovered with her three-month-old baby.

‘I placed her on her back on a blanket near me and watched. My needy, vocal baby, the one I’d been entertaining and engaging almost every moment she was awake, spent nearly two hours in this position, peaceful and content. She knew I was there, shot an occasional glance my direction, but didn’t seem to need a thing from me except, perhaps, my appreciative presence. And, oh, I was beyond appreciative.’

On her website ( www.janetlansbury.com) Janet has beautiful video footage of babies happily playing on their own, playing with their toes, just looking around them or at something close-up, or happily reaching out and making efforts to get toys and objects, for much longer than we might think possible.

As a child grows into a toddler and preschooler he or she becomes increasingly capable of entering this zone, and for longer, where they find their flow ; they are busy, they are concentrating on something with an impressively long attention span; they are playing independently. When we see this ‘magic’ happening we are often tempted to watch and marvel at their brilliance, and for some parents it’s very tricky not to interrupt them – albeit unintentionally. But also, it may occur to us that we might be able to take advantage of this little bit of freedom. If we simply let the children carry on playing, maybe we could make that quick phone call? Or read the newspaper for a minute? But as writer Lane Olinhouse points out, it seems the moment we sit down and look comfortable (or equivalent) we suddenly have the undivided attention of our child.

Sometimes, young children can’t help but to tune in to us and what we’re doing, the moment we think they’re immersed enough for us to tackle that chore or dash off that email. For every time we successfully step away and achieve something while they’re playing, there are many times when our little one is suddenly round our feet, needing us right now , when we were quite invisible to them just seconds before. And flag up to a toddler that you need them to ‘just wait a minute’ while you finish fixing the TV remote, or applying for a new car tax disc and you’re usually on a hiding to nothing. They need help to find their flow again, and it is on these occasions when 10-second set-ups can save the day.

Can young children really wait?

It seems not all young children challenge their parents in this way. Pamela Druckerman, author of French Children Don’t Throw Food has discovered that Parisian children definitely know how to ‘wait’. They are simply told to do so by their parents and teachers from very early on in their lives, and they apparently learn this skill rather successfully, developing the self-control and resourcefulness to self-distract until the waiting is done. By doing this, French children have earned themselves a reputation for being a tantrum-free, non-clingy and independent lot. This strict, no-nonsense tactic of simply being absolutely authoritative in stating when children need to wait clearly works for French parents, but to me it seems rather unnecessarily brutal. It also encourages unwanted behaviour, known in France as ‘ betises ’, which are basically the times when children are ‘getting up to no good’. According to Druckerman, in France this is apparently a common and almost expected side-effect of getting children to wait.

Fortunately, it is possible to help young children learn not just to wait, but how to wait – how to find their flow again – by tapping into their intrinsic desire to be busy, productive and playful. We can guide them back to independent play by using gentle, simple and playful methods. Being able to find something to do – something that is constructive, calm and absorbing – is a highly useful skill that can stay with toddlers right through childhood and into adulthood. Knowing our children have this skill means we parents can get the space we need should we wish to do something for ourselves (without wondering if our child is ‘getting up to no good’) even if it’s just sitting down and collecting our thoughts for a minute or two.

So, my second way to play is about helping toddlers and preschoolers find their flow of independent play again; when we need them to amuse themselves constructively while we get on with something else.

TV or not TV? That is the question . . .

Of course, a very tempting way to get young children to wait – to be quickly absorbed, quiet and captivated – is to plonk them down in front of the TV, or, if we’re out and about, by handing over our smartphone or iPad. And the truth is this tactic will usually work like a dream; our children become quiet, still and occupied, giving us that much-needed downtime or the opportunity to complete a task that needs adult-only attention. But problems will arise if we rely too much on the screen as a babysitter.

When the TV is constantly on, often it becomes just something in the background to our little ones, even if it is set to a channel showing programmes aimed at them. They either end up ignoring the screen in the corner all together – and so it loses its power as an attention-grabber or babysitter – or they become totally addicted to it. It is a drug, after all.

Where a generation ago nearly all preschool programming was limited to certain times of the day (and was advert-free), now there’s TV for tots around the clock. Turning it off can be a real battle because there are no longer any natural breaks, not least because we are always shown what will be on next to keep our little ones tuned in. Apps and computer games are the same – there’s no sense of them ever ending, you can simply ‘play’ the games again and again.

In a recent Yale Family Television Research study teachers described children who watched excessive amounts of TV as less imaginative, less cooperative, less enthusiastic about learning and less happy as those children who watched little or no TV. The reason being that by watching too much TV or playing with computer games too often, children may eventually find it difficult to keep themselves busy at play in the real world, and might lose their natural creativity. Sue Palmer, author of Toxic Childhood , explains that in the first few years of childhood, genuine interactive first-hand experiences are much more important than technological toys. She quotes Dr David Walsh of the National Institute on Media and the Family, ‘If we orientate our kids to screens so early in their lives, we risk making media their automatic default activity.’ Whatever your App says it can do for your child’s learning, it cannot provide the real-life, hands-on activities that are so important for young children’s healthy development – it’s how they learn about the world around them. A hands-on approach to toddler learning beats high-tech hands down.

From a physical perspective, too much TV watching and playing computer games can drain a little one’s naturally high energy levels, making them far too sedentary. Physical play is very important to toddler growth; it builds strong muscles and helps children discover what their bodies can do. Small children naturally want to run, jump and climb, but as Sue Palmer suggests, too much screen time may result in them becoming sluggish, frustrated or fractious. She also cites some research in Scotland showing that three-year-olds weigh more than their counterparts of twenty-five years ago because physical activity levels have dropped off so dramatically.