David Walliams - Awful Auntie

First published in hardback in Great Britain in 2014

by HarperCollins Children’s Books

HarperCollins Children’s Books is a division of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd,

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

Visit us on the web at www.harpercollins.co.uk

Cover lettering of author’s name © Quentin Blake 2010

David Walliams and Tony Ross assert the moral right to be identified as the author and illustrator of this work.

AWFUL AUNTIE Text © David Walliams 2014. Illustrations © Tony Ross 2014. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

HarperCollinsPublishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication.

Source ISBN 978-0-00-745360-3

Ebook Edition © SEPTEMBER 2014 ISBN: 9780007453634

Version: 2018-08-22

This is Saxby Hall, where our story takes place.

Here is the interior of Saxby Hall.

This is a map of the house and grounds.

For Maya, Elise and Mitch

Thank yous

I would like to thank the following people.

Charlie Redmayne, the big boss at HarperCollins.

Ann-Janine Murtagh, who is the head of children’s books there.

Ruth Alltimes, my brilliant editor.

The great Tony Ross, who has once again brought the story alive with the most magical illustrations.

Kate Clarke, the cover designer.

Elorine Grant, who designed the inside of the book.

Geraldine Stroud and Sam White, who are in charge of publicity.

Paul Stevens, my literary agent at Independent.

Tanya Brennand-Roper, who produces the audio versions of my books.

Finally, of course, a huge thank you to Mrs Barbara Stoat, who writes all my books for me.

I do hope you enjoy this one. I haven’t read it myself so I have absolutely no clue as to what it’s about.

David Walliams

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Maps

Dedication

Thanks

Prologue

I: Frozen

II: A Baby Vanishes

III: A Beastly Child

IV: The Great Bavarian Mountain Owl

V: Mummified

VI: Some Terrible Nightmare

VII: The Human Caterpillar

VIII: The Great Escape

IX: Hunted Down

X: Locked in the Cellar

XI: Behind the Walls

XII: Posho

XIII: A Light in the Shape of a Boy

XIV: Ghost Snot

XV: The Ghost Detective

XVI: A Bitter Aftertaste

XVII: Desserts Galore

XVIII: Crackle Crackle Crackle

XIX: Deeply Creepy

XX: Absolutely Crackers

XXI: A Crime Thriller

XXII: Shadow of a Doubt

XXIII: Foul Play

XXIV: Stuffed Owls

XXV: Biting the Air

XXVI: Lurking Death

XXVII: Battle of the Billiards Room

XXVIII: Under the Cover of Darkness

XXIX: Grisly Toupee

XXX: The Owl-Rack

XXXI: Ants in Pants

XXXII: “My Bottom! My Bottom!”

XXXIII: A Game of Cat and Mouse

XXXIV: The Driving Lesson

XXXV: The Frozen Lake

XXXVI: Easy-peasy-poo

XXXVII: Burn Burn Burn

XXXVIII: The Perfect Murder

XXXIX: The Big Bad Wolf

XL: The End of a Mystery

XLI: Hide-and-Seek

XLII: Dead Calm

XLIII: Promise

Epilogue

A Letter of Complaint

More From David Walliams

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About the Publisher

Do you have an awful auntie? One that never allows you to stay up to watch your favourite television programme? Or an aunt who makes you eat up every last spoonful of her revolting rhubarb crumble, even though she knows you hate rhubarb? Maybe your aunt gives her pet poodle a big slobbering wet kiss and then immediately gives you a big slobbering wet kiss too? Or does your aunt scoff all the most delicious chocolates from the box, leaving you with just the dreaded black cherry liqueur? Perhaps your aunt demands you wear that horrendously itchy jumper she knitted for you at Christmas? The one which reads ‘I Love My Auntie’ in huge purple letters on the front?

However awful your auntie might be, she will never be in the same league of awfulness as Aunt Alberta.

Aunt Alberta is the most awful aunt who ever lived.

Would you like to meet her?

Yes? I thought you would.

Here she is in all her awful awfulness…

Are you sitting uncomfortably? Then I will begin…

Meet the other characters in this story…

The young Lady Stella Saxby.

This is Soot. He is a chimney sweep.

Wagner is a Great Bavarian Mountain Owl.

Gibbon is the ancient butler of Saxby Hall.

Detective Strauss is a policeman.

It was all a blur.