Edward Phillips - The World’s Best Football Jokes

COPYRIGHT Copyright Acknowledgements The World’s Best Football Jokes Keep Reading Also in the Series About the Publisher

HarperCollins Publishers Ltd

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

This edition published in 1993

First published in Great Britain by Fontana 1991

Copyright © Edward Phillips 1991

Cover by Tony Blundell

Illustrations © Graham Morris 1991

Edward Phillips asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

HarperCollins Publishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication.

Source ISBN: 9780006379621

Ebook Edition © JUNE 2016 ISBN: 9780008191986

Version: 2016-06-21

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS Acknowledgements The World’s Best Football Jokes Keep Reading Also in the Series About the Publisher

Many people have assisted me with favourite football stories and anecdotes for this book and I should particularly like to thank the following:

Andrew Mitchell, Conservative MP for Gedling (Nottingham); Matthew Sturgis, football writer for the Independent ; John Motson, BBC sports commentator; Des MacHale, Professor of Mathematics, University College, Cork; Ken Friar, Managing Director, Arsenal FC; John Howarth, Club Secretary, Blackburn Rovers FC; Brian Anderson, Club Secretary, Darlington FC; Bob Twyford, Club Secretary, Bristol Rovers FC; T. F. Newman, Club Secretary, Bradford City FC; Bill Kenyon, Club Secretary, Rochdale FC; George Binns, Club Secretary, and Ken O’Doherty, player, both of Huddersfield Town FC; J. T. Cale, Club Secretary, Oldham Athletic FC; Matthew Chiles, Administration Assistant, West Bromwich Albion FC; Brian Naysmith, Chief Executive, Fulham FC; John Adams, Vice-Chairman and Vic Jobson, Chairman, both of Southend United FC; R. Briggs of R. J. S. Programmes, Cleethorpes.

I am also grateful to Private Eye for giving me permission to use the extracts from the ‘Colemanballs’ series of commentators’ gaffes.

CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Copyright COPYRIGHT Copyright Acknowledgements The World’s Best Football Jokes Keep Reading Also in the Series About the Publisher HarperCollins Publishers Ltd 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF www.harpercollins.co.uk This edition published in 1993 First published in Great Britain by Fontana 1991 Copyright © Edward Phillips 1991 Cover by Tony Blundell Illustrations © Graham Morris 1991 Edward Phillips asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books. HarperCollins Publishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication. Source ISBN: 9780006379621 Ebook Edition © JUNE 2016 ISBN: 9780008191986 Version: 2016-06-21

Acknowledgements ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS Acknowledgements The World’s Best Football Jokes Keep Reading Also in the Series About the Publisher Many people have assisted me with favourite football stories and anecdotes for this book and I should particularly like to thank the following: Andrew Mitchell, Conservative MP for Gedling (Nottingham); Matthew Sturgis, football writer for the Independent ; John Motson, BBC sports commentator; Des MacHale, Professor of Mathematics, University College, Cork; Ken Friar, Managing Director, Arsenal FC; John Howarth, Club Secretary, Blackburn Rovers FC; Brian Anderson, Club Secretary, Darlington FC; Bob Twyford, Club Secretary, Bristol Rovers FC; T. F. Newman, Club Secretary, Bradford City FC; Bill Kenyon, Club Secretary, Rochdale FC; George Binns, Club Secretary, and Ken O’Doherty, player, both of Huddersfield Town FC; J. T. Cale, Club Secretary, Oldham Athletic FC; Matthew Chiles, Administration Assistant, West Bromwich Albion FC; Brian Naysmith, Chief Executive, Fulham FC; John Adams, Vice-Chairman and Vic Jobson, Chairman, both of Southend United FC; R. Briggs of R. J. S. Programmes, Cleethorpes. I am also grateful to Private Eye for giving me permission to use the extracts from the ‘Colemanballs’ series of commentators’ gaffes.

The World’s Best Football Jokes

Keep Reading

Also in the Series

About the Publisher

THE WORLD’S BEST FOOTBALL JOKES

‘It’s a funny old game, football,’ as the captain said to the manager after his team had been trounced 6–0 in an important relegation match.

To which the manager replied grimly, ‘Yes – but it isn’t meant to be!’

What is football? It has been described as a game with twenty-two players, two linesmen and 20,000 referees.

One of the most famous footballers of all time is the legendary Stanley Matthews, who played for Blackpool and Stoke City at outside-right. It was said of him that he was so fast that when he went to bed at night, he could turn out the light at the bedroom door and be under the blankets before the room got dark.

A Scottish captain once lent the referee a coin for the toss and demanded his whistle as security.

Why do Pakistanis make very poor footballers? Every time you give them a corner they open a shop on it.

A desperate manager, whose team had lost fourteen consecutive games, rang a colleague for advice on training methods.

‘I’ll tell you what you should do,’ said his friend. ‘Take the team out on a six-mile run every day.’

‘What’s the point of that?’ asked the manager.

‘Today’s Monday,’ was the reply. ‘By Saturday, they’ll be thirty-six miles away and you can forget all about them!’

The manager of a club way down at the bottom of the Fourth Division placed eleven dustbins in formation on the pitch and had his team practise dribbling around them and passing between them before shooting for goal. After just one session he had to abandon this method of training for reasons of team morale: the dustbins won 6–0.

A match between two non-League teams took place last winter in the North of England. It had been raining heavily all week and the ground resembled a swamp. However, the referee ruled that play was possible and tossed the coin to determine ends. The visiting captain won the toss and, after a moment’s thought, said, ‘OK – we’ll take the shallow end!’