Edward Phillips - Holiday Jokes

HarperCollins Publishers

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

Published by Fontana 1993

First published in Great Britain by

Angus & Robertson (UK) 1989

First published in Australia by

Angus & Robertson Publishers 1989

Text copyright © Edward Phillips 1989

Illustrations copyright © Tony Blundell 1989

Edward Phillips asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

HarperCollinsPublishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication .

Source ISBN: 9780006379423

Ebook Edition © APRIL 2016 ISBN: 9780008191948

Version: 2016-07-19

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright Copyright Copyright The World’s Best Holiday Jokes Other Books By About the Publisher HarperCollins Publishers 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF Published by Fontana 1993 First published in Great Britain by Angus & Robertson (UK) 1989 First published in Australia by Angus & Robertson Publishers 1989 Text copyright © Edward Phillips 1989 Illustrations copyright © Tony Blundell 1989 Edward Phillips asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books. HarperCollinsPublishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication . Source ISBN: 9780006379423 Ebook Edition © APRIL 2016 ISBN: 9780008191948 Version: 2016-07-19

The World’s Best Holiday Jokes

Other Books By

About the Publisher

The World’s Best Holiday Jokes

At a small seaside hotel, a young lady on holiday was sunning herself on the flat roof, clad only in a tiny bikini. Deciding that she might as well get an all-over tan, she glanced round to make sure that the roof was not overlooked and then removed her bikini. As she lay there on her stomach, the hotel manager suddenly appeared and said, ‘We don’t allow nude sunbathing up here, miss!’

Hastily grabbing a beach robe, the young lady said, ‘But surely no one can see me up here!’

‘That’s what you think,’ said the manager. ‘You’re lying on the skylight over the dining room!’

A couple of young holidaymakers were canoodling under the pier. ‘Darling, you’re one in a million,’ the young man murmured.

‘So are your chances,’ replied the young lady sharply.

Two men on holiday in Wales were driving home when their car broke down on a lonely country road. There was just one isolated farmhouse to be seen and they trudged across the fields and knocked on the door. It was opened by a very attractive woman in her thirties who told them that they would not be able to get their car repaired until the following morning. It turned out that her husband had recently died and she now lived all alone on the farm. She offered them dinner and a bed for the night. The two friends accepted gratefully.

A couple of months later, one of the two men received an official-looking letter. That night in the pub, he met his holiday companion and said, ‘Henry, do you remember the night our car broke down when we were coming back from Wales? And the farmhouse we stayed at? And that attractive widow?’

‘Yes, I do,’ said Henry, a little nervously.

‘Did you, by any chance, spend a little time that night in her bedroom?’

‘Well, yes,’ muttered Henry.

‘And did you, by any chance, give her my name and address?’

‘Yes, I did,’ admitted Henry. ‘But it was only a joke. I didn’t think you’d get upset about it.’

‘Oh, I’m not upset,’ said his friend. ‘It’s just that I received a letter from her solicitors this morning. It seems she died last week and left me the farmhouse and three thousand acres.’

An American on holiday in England visited the British Museum and was intrigued by a magnificent Egyptian mummy. ‘How old is this exhibit?’ he asked a guide.

‘Four thousand years and three months, sir,’ said the guide.

‘How can you be so exact about the age of a thing like that?’ demanded the American.

‘Well, sir,’ replied the guide, ‘the gentleman who donated it to the Museum said it was four thousand years old, and that was exactly three months ago.’

A lady went on a package tour of Europe which visited twenty-five countries in seven days. One day she found she’d missed four countries. She didn’t have a window seat.

A party of German holidaymakers was being taken on a coach tour through the English countryside. With Teutonic thoroughness, they checked their watches at each stop and complained bitterly if they were so much as one minute behind schedule. When the coach pulled up at one historic site, the guide announced, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, this is Runnymede. Under that historic oak tree over there, the famous Magna Carta was signed.’

‘Ven did zis take place?’ asked one of the Germans.

‘1215,’ replied the guide.

With a glance at his watch, the German exclaimed, ‘So! Ve haf missed it by seven minutes!’

A holidaymaker in Paris was dining in a restaurant when he noticed a fly in his soup. He summoned the waiter and, being proud of his knowledge of the French language, pointed to his plate and said, ‘Le mouche!’

The waiter glanced at the plate and replied, ‘Non, Monsieur – c’est la mouche.’

‘Good Lord!’ exclaimed the diner. ‘You French certainly have first-class eyesight!’

A husband and wife bound for a holiday in Majorca were waiting patiently in the airport lounge. Suddenly the husband said, ‘You know, darling, I wish we’d brought the piano with us.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous!’ exclaimed his wife. ‘Why on earth should we have brought the piano?’

‘Because I’ve left our tickets on top of it,’ replied the husband.

The charter flight to Tangier had just taken off and the captain made his usual speech of welcome over the intercom. Then, forgetting that he had not switched off his microphone, and that all the passengers could still hear him, he turned to his co-pilot and said, ‘Take over for a bit, Bob – I’m so tired that all I’d like to do now is have a pint of beer and a quiet, relaxing session with that new blonde flight hostess!’