Ernest Forbes - The World’s Best Skiing Jokes

Copyright Copyright Author’s Note The World’s Best Skiing Jokes Keep Reading Also in the Series About the Publisher

HarperCollins Publishers

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published in paperback by HarperCollins Publishers in 1993

Copyright © Ernest Forbes 1993

Illustrations copyright © Graham Morris 1993

Ernest Forbes asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

HarperCollins Publishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication.

Source ISBN: 9780006382461

Ebook Edition © JUNE 2016 ISBN: 9780008192037

Version: 2016-06-20

Author’s Note Author’s Note The World’s Best Skiing Jokes Keep Reading Also in the Series About the Publisher

Had it been intended that man should ski – when I say man I use it collectively to embrace all members of the human race and politicians – we would have been born with feet which grew lengthways to equal our height.

Skiing is definitely for the birds.

I’m glad I haven’t to ski until tomorrow.

It is alleged that tall persons make better skiers and this book is guaranteed to increase your height …

… if you stand on it!

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright Copyright Copyright Author’s Note The World’s Best Skiing Jokes Keep Reading Also in the Series About the Publisher HarperCollins Publishers 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF www.harpercollins.co.uk First published in paperback by HarperCollins Publishers in 1993 Copyright © Ernest Forbes 1993 Illustrations copyright © Graham Morris 1993 Ernest Forbes asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books. HarperCollins Publishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication. Source ISBN: 9780006382461 Ebook Edition © JUNE 2016 ISBN: 9780008192037 Version: 2016-06-20

Author’s Note Author’s Note Author’s Note The World’s Best Skiing Jokes Keep Reading Also in the Series About the Publisher Had it been intended that man should ski – when I say man I use it collectively to embrace all members of the human race and politicians – we would have been born with feet which grew lengthways to equal our height. Skiing is definitely for the birds. I’m glad I haven’t to ski until tomorrow.

The World’s Best Skiing Jokes

Keep Reading

Also in the Series

About the Publisher

The World’s Best Skiing Jokes

‘Why the hell did you write that insurance policy for a 96-year-old man going on a skiing holiday?’ shouted the manager at the travel clerk.

‘Well,’ said the clerk, ‘I checked the records and no one of that age has ever had a skiing accident.’

The skier came to a stop at the end of the run and threw his poles, hat and gloves to the ground as he snorted in disgust, ‘I’ve never skied so badly before!’

‘Oh,’ probed an interested instructor, ‘you mean to say you’ve skied before?’

‘What the hell happened to Graham this afternoon when he was jumping?’ asked Ken. ‘He left the jump in a perfect position then all of a sudden he went to pieces. Arms and legs all over the place, then down with a thump.’

‘Well,’ answered Tim, shaking his head in disbelief, ‘in the middle of the jump his mobile phone rang and the silly bugger tried to answer it!’

The sports shop had a large sign: ‘50 PER CENT OFF ALL SPORTING EQUIPMENT.’

A man walked into the shop and, indicating the sign, asked the assistant, ‘Does that apply to skis?’

‘It does,’ replied the assistant.

‘Good,’ acknowledged the man and took out his chequebook, whereupon the assistant handed him one ski.

‘My instructor says I would be a great skier except for two things,’ announced a woman to her companion.

‘Oh,’ said the other woman, ‘what are they?’

‘My feet,’ came the reply.

The ski instructress was talking to a class of beginners and explaining to them the various signs they would encounter in the sport.

‘Signs at present are not universal,’ pointed out the instructress. ‘The colours and shapes of the signs are different in America, Europe and Australia. Some places have square signs, some diamond-shaped, some circles and some use balls. The only common factor is the colour black and that indicates the most difficult runs. Now, from what I have said, could anyone tell me where I would find black circles?’

‘In Europe,’ replied one man.

‘Very good,’ nodded the instructress. ‘Now, where would I find black diamonds?’

‘America and Australia,’ came a quick answer.

‘Excellent,’ approved the instructress. ‘And where would I find black balls?’

‘The West Indies Cricket Team?’ chirped a little blonde at the front of the class.

Her legs ached, her arms ached, her back ached, her head ached, in fact she ached all over. She spent most of her time on the slopes picking herself up. Her skis were constantly entangled, one pointing east the other pointing west. She even took a tumble when she tried to get on a chair lift and almost impaled her husband.

As she slowly dragged herself into the hotel bedroom, she croaked to her husband, ‘Tell me again, darling, what a wonderful time we’re having. I keep forgetting!’

‘I would ski only I don’t want to break a promise,’ boasted the big-headed one.

‘I would ski only I don’t want to break a leg,’ stated the honest one.

‘I gave up fishing for skiing,’ said Richard, ‘and I must say, I would rather ski than fish.’

‘Ah, you would rather battle against the elements than a fish,’ said Larry.