Ernest Forbes - The World’s Best Skiing Jokes

‘Why didn’t your husband join us?’ asked one skier as Joan met up with the group.

‘Oh, when he heard it was a dry slope he didn’t want to come as he thought he wouldn’t get a drink,’ replied Joan.

The two bystanders watched as the world-famous cricketer, David Gower, completed the slalom course.

‘He’s not a bad skier,’ commented one man.

‘Not as good a skier as he is a cricketer,’ countered the second man.

‘Ah, but that’s a completely different ball game,’ defended the first man.

The girl very gingerly made her way to the nursery slope, taking her time to avoid a false move.

‘Good morning,’ said an instructor. ‘This is a new experience for you, isn’t it?’

‘Yes, indeed it is,’ replied the girl.

‘Would I be right in saying that this was your very first time to ski?’ asked the instructor.

‘You would be quite right,’ answered the girl. ‘How did you know it was my first time?’

‘You have your skis on back to front,’ smiled the instructor.

The two women met in the gift shop at a ski resort and one greeted the other. ‘Hello, Mary, I hear your husband had an accident and is in hospital.’

‘Yes, he went off pissed and took a tumble,’ replied the wife.

‘You mean “off-piste”?’

‘Oh no, I don’t.’

The two men were enjoying their first skiing holiday and even managed to get a little skiing between bouts of drinking. They had arranged to meet in the bar for a prelunch drink and one man had already downed a couple of drinks before his friend arrived.

‘What kept you?’ enquired the tippler. ‘You’re already two drinks behind.’

‘I was on that far run and some stupid bugger had stuck a lot of flags in the ground so I had to take them all out before I got going,’ replied his friend.

A prostitute went on a skiing holiday and was receiving her first lesson on the nursery slope. The instructor was showing her the stance

‘Be relaxed, feet slightly apart for good balance, weight evenly distributed on both skis, bending a little forward from the waist. That’s it, except for your legs, you’ll never get anywhere with your legs so far apart.’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ replied the prostitute. ‘I got on this holiday.’

The skier came off the jump and nose-dived into the ground, a tangle of arms, legs and skis.

‘Hell!’ said one skier standing at the ramp. ‘Look at that!’

‘Well,’ said another skier, ‘you shouldn’t have pushed him when he said he had vertigo.’

‘Vertigo!’ exclaimed the first skier. ‘Christ! I thought he said “Here we go”!’

‘Mummy, may I go skiing?’ asked the little girl.

‘No, you may not, it’s too dangerous,’ replied her mother.

‘But Daddy goes skiing,’ persisted the little girl.

‘Yes, but he’s insured.’

‘There’s one thing I like about skiing as a sport,’ observed the gentleman, fingering his MCC tie.

‘What’s that?’ asked his companion.

‘You’re never bothered by a confounded streaker spoiling a run,’ barked the gent.

A skier on his own on a cross-country run was travelling too fast when he realized he was heading for a gorge. In panic he drove his poles into the ground but only one pole took grip and he clung to it with both hands as he dangled over a 2,000-foot drop.

‘Help! Help!’ cried the terrified skier. ‘Is there anyone up there? Help! Help!’

Afraid to move too much in case he dislodged the pole, he could already feel the cold creeping into his body.

‘Help! Help!’ he shouted again. ‘Is there anyone up there?’

Suddenly a deep voice boomed across the sky, ‘You will be saved, my son, if you will do as I say.’

The skier looked up but saw nothing but sky.

Again the voice boomed. ‘Do as I say and you will be saved. Do you hear me?’

The now very cold skier answered, ‘Yes, I hear you and I will do as you say.’

‘Then let go of your ski pole and you will be saved,’ commanded the voice.

The skier looked down at the frightening drop then, looking up, cried, ‘Help! Help! Is there anyone ELSE up there?’

‘My dog can ski.’

‘He must be a very clever dog.’

‘Oh, I don’t know. He’s fine on the jump but he stops at every gate on the slalom.’

Sign outside gents’ toilet at a well-known ski resort:

PLEASE REMOVE SKIS BEFORE USING URINALS.

The two skiers were waiting for a T-bar lift and one remarked, ‘Does it worry you that you could get injured skiing?’

‘Not at all,’ replied his companion cheerfully. ‘Plenty of help available. There are usually more doctors on the slopes than in the hospitals.’

A bus-load of Irish tourists arrived in Aspen, Colorado, and the tour guide was telling them about the ski resort. ‘Some of the streets in Aspen have underground heating so they are clear at all times,’ she concluded.

‘It’s a pity they haven’t got underground heating up those mountains to get rid of all that bloody snow,’ remarked one tourist.

The man went into a shop selling sporting equipment and asked for a ski mask.

‘Yes, sir,’ said the assistant. ‘Will there be anything else? Gloves? Boots? Poles? Helmet?’

‘No, I don’t need anything else to hold up a bank,’ replied the man.

Skiing is like a career in politics. It takes you a long time to reach the top but you can come down in a few minutes.

The Englishman and the Irishman met on the nursery slope in a ski resort in Austria. ‘Hello, Paddy,’ greeted the Englishman. ‘I didn’t expect to meet you here. The last I heard from you was that you wanted to water ski.’

‘I did,’ replied Paddy, ‘but I couldn’t find a lake with a slope.’

‘I believe your husband had a nasty fall on your skiing holiday,’ said Anna to her friend Linda.

‘Indeed he did,’ replied Linda without much sympathy.

‘Did he fall off the jump or the run?’ asked Anna.

‘The barstool,’ came the curt reply.

The girl reached the end of the run and said to her instructor, ‘I love skiing. I could ski like this for ever.’

‘Oh,’ said the instructor, ‘you mean you don’t want to improve?’

The two women were having a little gossip about their hostess, who was out of the room.

‘She’s a very sporting type,’ said one. ‘Called her second son Ski because she’s so fond of skiing.’

‘Oh,’ remarked the other woman, ‘I wondered why she called her first son Dick.’

‘Did you enjoy your skiing holiday,’ enquired Joan.

‘Oh yes, it was wonderful,’ enthused Jean.

‘And what about your husband? Has he improved since you taught him to ski last year?’ went on Joan.

‘Indeed he has improved,’ exclaimed Jean. ‘This year he only broke one leg.’

‘What do you get if you cross one ski with another ski?’ asked Charles.

‘I don’t know. What do you get if you cross one ski with another ski?’ queried Andy.

‘A bloody broken leg,’ replied Charles.

Sir Anthony Hopkins, the Oscar-winning actor, went on a skiing holiday to Switzerland and one day he went for a cross-country trek alone. He was enjoying the solitude and possibly thinking of winning another Oscar when he hit an icy patch and fell, injuring his ankle. He was unable to put any weight on his foot so skiing and walking were both out of the question. He knew he couldn’t crawl the distance in the snow and was pondering on his next action when a St Bernard rescue dog trotted up beside him and licked his face. Sir Anthony heaved himself on to the back of the dog, which set off in a homeward direction.