Edward Phillips - The World’s Best Football Jokes

Another well-known television sports commentator, who shall be nameless, was talking to his friends in the pub one night. ‘It’s amazing,’ he said. ‘I’ve been in the business for twenty years and it just occurred to me today that I don’t know anything about the game at all!’

‘Well, why don’t you give it up then?’ asked a bystander.

‘I can’t,’ replied the commentator. ‘I’ve become a world authority!’

THE BEST OF ‘COLEMANBALLS’

Their manager, Terry Neil, isn’t here today, which suggests he is elsewhere.’ (Brian Moore)

‘With the very last kick of the game, Bobby McDonald scored with a header.’ (Alan Parry)

‘Well, it’s Ipswich nil, Liverpool two, and if that’s the way the score stays then you’ve got to fancy Liverpool to win.’ (Peter Jones)

‘Bolton are on the crest of a slump.’ (Anon)

‘You couldn’t have counted the number of moves Alan Ball made … I counted four and possibly five.’ (John Motson)

‘When one team scores early in the game, it often takes an early lead.’ (Pat Marsden)

‘And Meade had a hat-trick. He scored two goals.’ (Richard Whitmore)

‘I am a firm believer that if you score one goal, the other team have to score two to win.’ (Howard Wilkinson)

‘Ian Rush unleashed his left foot and it hit the back of the net.’ (Mike England)

‘It will be a shame if either side lose. And that applies to both sides.’ (Jock Brown)

‘It was a good match which could have gone either way and very nearly did.’ (Jim Sherwin)

‘He had an eternity to play that ball, but he took too long over it.’ (Martin Tyler)

‘Everything in our favour was against us.’ (Danny Blanch-flower)

‘Nearly all the Brazilian players are wearing yellow shirts. It’s a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour.’ (John Motson)

‘And so they have not been able to improve on their hundred percent record.’ (Sports Roundup)

The Oxford and Cambridge University student teams were due to play when one of the Oxford men had to drop out at short notice. ‘Why don’t we use Johnson, the head porter at Balliol?’ suggested the Oxford captain to the selection committee. ‘I’ve seen him play in a local amateur team and he’s a brilliant striker – absolutely unstoppable. We can get him a set of colours and as long as he doesn’t speak to anyone, we should be able to get away with it.’

The committee thought this might be a little unethical but in desperation they agreed to the plan. They rigged out the Balliol porter and put him on the left wing. He was, as the Oxford captain had said, unstoppable, and they beat Cambridge 9–1, Johnson having scored eight of the goals single-handed.

Afterwards in the bar, the Cambridge captain approached Johnson and said sportingly, ‘Well done, old boy! A magnificent effort! By the way, what are you studying at Balliol?’

The porter thought for a moment, then said brightly, ‘Sums!’

One of the lesser-known stories in Greek mythology tells of a classic football match on Mount Olympus between the Gods and the Mortals. The Gods trounced the Mortals 8–0 and attributed their victory to the brilliance of their new centaur-forward.

A First Division reserves team recently played against a side made up of long-term prisoners from Strangeways. (The Strangeways team were playing at home, of course!) The game had only been in progress for about ten minutes when the referee noticed that the prison team were fielding twelve men. Blowing his whistle angrily, he called the Strangeways captain over and said, ‘What the hell’s the idea of having twelve men on the field? Don’t you know that’s illegal?’

‘Well,’ said the captain, unabashed, ‘you know us – we cheat!’

A First Division player not noted for his modesty was regaling his friends in the local pub. ‘I came out of the ground after the match last Saturday and there were literally hundreds of fans outside waving autograph books at me!’ Noticing the sceptical looks on the faces of his listeners, he added, ‘It’s quite true! If you don’t believe me, ask Kenny Dalglish – he was standing right next to me!’

The rather unpopular secretary of a Fourth Division club was recently rushed to hospital with a suspected duodenal ulcer. The next day he received a get-well card from the club committee with the postscript: ‘The decision to send you this card was carried by six votes to four, with two abstentions.’

At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles. ‘There’s nothing to worry about, lad,’ said the elderly chap standing next to him. ‘It’s like the bombs during the war. You won’t get hit unless the bottle’s got your name on it.’

‘That’s just what I’m worried about,’ said the fan. ‘My name’s Johnny Walker!’

In a crucial Cup semi-final a few years ago, the capacity crowd of 30,000 watched a rather diminutive striker get possession of the ball early in the second half. He was immediately tackled by three large defenders, and went down under a pile of thrashing arms and legs. Emerging dazed from the mêlée a few moments later, he looked round at the crowded stands and gasped, ‘How did they all get back in their seats so quickly?’

A famous international footballer was asked to appear nude in the centrefold of a glossy new women’s magazine. ‘Our intention is to photograph you standing nude holding a ball,’ said the features editor.

‘I see,’ said the footballer. ‘What will I be doing with my other hand?’

The match was over and the team captain, who had muffed three easy goal shots, came over to the manager and said, ‘You’ll have to excuse me if I dash off, chief. I’ve got a plane to catch and I don’t want to miss it.’

‘Off you go, then,’ said the manager. ‘And better luck with the plane.’

The angry captain snarled at the referee. ‘What would happen if I called you a blind bastard who couldn’t make a correct decision to save his life?’

‘It would be a red card for you.’

‘And if I didn’t say it but only thought it?’

‘That’s different. If you only thought it but didn’t say it, I couldn’t do a thing.’

‘Well, we’ll leave it like that, then, shall we?’ smiled the captain.

‘I hear you’re from Wakefield. Does your town boast a football team?’

‘We have a team, yes, but it’s nothing to boast about.’

‘We’ve got the best football team in the country – unbeaten and no goals scored against us!’

‘How many games have you played?’

‘The first one’s next Saturday.’

A supporter arrived at the ground one Saturday to find the place completely empty. He went to the office and asked an official, ‘What time does the match start?’

‘There’s no match today,’ replied the official.