Edward Phillips - The World’s Best Football Jokes

‘But there must be!’ argued the fan. ‘It’s Saturday.’

‘I’m telling you there’s no match today,’ repeated the official.

‘But there’s always a match on Saturday afternoon,’ said the fan, ‘even if it’s only a reserves game.’

‘Watch my lips,’ shouted the irate official. ‘There is no M–A–T–F–C–H today!’

‘Well, for your information,’ the would-be spectator shouted back, ‘there’s no F in match.’

‘That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!’ yelled the official.

A man went off to a football match one Saturday afternoon, and while he was away his wife was visited by a ‘friend’ who just happened to be jogging past her house and was dressed in shorts and singlet. The wife was happily entertaining him on the sofa when suddenly they heard her husband coming through the front door. Quick as a flash, the visitor hid behind the large television set in the corner. The husband came in and said, ‘It’s started to pour with rain so I thought I’d come home and watch the second half on telly.’ He switched on the television and settled down to watch the game. After about twenty minutes the wife’s visitor started to get severe cramp so, casting caution to the winds, he calmly got up from behind the set and walked out of the room. The husband turned to his wife and said, ‘That’s funny – I didn’t see the ref send him off.’

It is said that in Ireland, if it looks like rain before a match, they play the extra time first.

‘Is your new striker fast?’

‘Is he fast! He’s so fast, the rest of the team have to run twice as fast just to keep up with him!’

The manager and coach of an Irish team were discussing the players they had on their books and the manager asked, ‘How many goals has O’Halloran scored this season?’

‘Exactly double what he scored last season,’ replied the coach. ‘Eleven.’

‘I just don’t understand it,’ an Irish footballer complained. ‘One match I play very well, then the next match I’m terrible.’

‘Well,’ said his wife, ‘why don’t you just play every other match?’

‘I don’t care about results!’ said an Irish team manager being interviewed on television. ‘Just so long as our team wins!’

Two Irish team managers promised their players a pint of Guinness for every goal they scored during an important match. The final score was 119–98.

In the heat of the game, one of the players threw a vicious punch. The victim was all set to get stuck into him when the referee rushed up and held him back. ‘Now then, O’Hara! You know you mustn’t retaliate!’

‘Come on, ref!’ said O’Hara. ‘He retaliated first!’

Three football codes prevail in Ireland: Rugby, which is defined as a thugs’ game played by gentlemen; soccer – a gentleman’s game played by thugs; and Gaelic football – a thugs’ game played by thugs!

Two old men were holding up the queue outside the turnstyle before the game, while one of them hunted for his ticket. He looked in his coat pockets and his waistcoat pockets and his trouser pockets, all to no avail. ‘Hang on a minute,’ said the gateman. ‘What’s that in your mouth?’ It was the missing ticket!

As they moved inside his mate said, ‘Crikey, Cyril! You must be getting senile in your old age. Fancy having your ticket in your mouth and forgetting about it!’

‘I’m not that stupid,’ said old Cyril. ‘I was chewing last week’s date off it.’

The manager of an Irish club was talking to a young player who had applied for a trial with the club. ‘Do you kick with both feet?’ asked the manager.

‘Don’t be silly!’ said the trialist. ‘If I did that, I wouldn’t be able to stand up, would I?’

The rivalry between Celtic and Rangers in Scotland is well known. A Celtic fan looking for trouble went up to a perfect stranger in a pub in Sauchiehall Street and shouted in his ear: ‘To hell with the Rangers!’

The stranger looked puzzled. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about, bud,’ he said. ‘I’m an American from Houston, Texas.’

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