Edward Phillips - More of the World’s Best Drinking Jokes

Two friends were returning from a convivial evening at the local. ‘Am I staggering at all?’ asked one. ‘If I am, the wife’ll notice it and there’ll be hell to pay. Hang on here a minute – I’ll walk on ahead and you tell me if I’m walking straight.’

He walked on a few steps and his mate said, ‘You’re all right – but the chap with you is staggering about all over the place.’

A fellow in the King’s Head was boasting to all and sundry about his capacity for drink. One of the other customers began to get a bit fed up and said, ‘See that big silver ice bucket on the counter? I’ll bet you fifty pounds that if I fill that up with beer, you can’t drink it down in one go.’ The boaster turned on his heel and walked out of the pub.

Five minutes later he was back again and he asked the barman to fill the bucket with beer. He emptied it in record time.

‘All right, you win,’ said the fellow who had made the bet. ‘But where did you rush off to just now?’

‘Well,’ said the boaster, ‘I’d never tried that before so I popped into the pub next door to have a practice.’

During the days of Prohibition, a traveller found himself in a small town in Arkansas. He asked a man in the street where he could get a drink. ‘Well,’ said the man, ‘in this town, they only use whisky for snake bites. There’s only one snake in town, and it’s gittin’ kinda late. You’d better hurry down and git in line before it gits exhausted.’

At a bar in Toronto, a drunk was muttering, ‘It can’t be done! It can’t be done!’

‘What can’t be done?’ asked the bartender.

‘That can’t,’ said the drunk, pointing to a big sign which read: DRINK CANADA DRY.

At a local trade union committee meeting, one of the delegates was somewhat the worse for drink. When the meeting came to the question of appointing permanent and temporary officers, the drunk got up to speak. ‘Sit down!’ hissed his neighbour. ‘You’re too drunk! I’ll bet you don’t even know the difference between temporary and permanent!’

‘Oh, yesh I do!’ said the drunk. ‘I’m intoxicated, and that’s temporary. But you’re a damn fool – and that’s permanent!’

A woman was arguing with an obviously inebriated man in the saloon bar. ‘Stop telling me I remind you of your first wife!’ she shouted. ‘I am your first wife!’

You’ve got to admit – the government knows what it’s doing. First they put a big tax on beer, wine and spirits. Then they raise all the other taxes and drive people to drink!

Two Irishmen were talking in a pub. ‘When I’m dead and buried, Patrick,’ said Michael, ‘I want you to pour a bottle of the very best Irish whiskey over my grave.’

‘I’ll do that,’ said Patrick. ‘But do you mind if I pass it through me kidneys first?’

A man walked into a pub with a pet tiger on a leash. He ordered a pint of lager for himself and one for the tiger. They continued drinking for an hour or so and the tiger passed out. The man got up and started to leave the pub, and the barman shouted, ‘Oi! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!’

And the man said, ‘It’s not a lion, it’s a tiger.’

A fellow had been out on the razzle, and after the pubs had shut he spent the rest of the night in the company of a charming young blonde. He staggered into the bedroom at five in the morning to find his wife awake and waiting up for him. Trying to appear as sober as possible, he started to get undressed.

Suddenly his wife said, ‘My God! Where are your underpants?’

The drunk glanced down blearily and then, thinking quickly, said, ‘Good Lord! I’ve been robbed!’

Two inebriates were making their unsteady way home along the railway line. ‘I never saw so many steps in my life!’ muttered one of them.

‘It’s not the steps that bother me,’ said the second. ‘It’s the low railing!’

A fellow who had imbibed rather too freely wandered into a cemetery late at night and fell into an open grave. His cries for help were heard by another homeward-bound drunk who came over to investigate.

‘Get me out of here!’ hollered the drunk in the grave. ‘It’s freezing down here!’

‘I’m not surprised,’ said the second drunk. ‘They forgot to cover you up!’

Two drunks were on a pub crawl. Round about nine o’clock they ran out of money. ‘I’ve got an idea,’ said one. ‘Lesh go over to my house and borrow shum money from my wife!’

So home they went, staggered upstairs to the bedroom, switched on the light, and there was the first drunk’s wife in bed with a strange man. The first drunk didn’t seem to be a bit upset about this, although his pal was considerably shocked. ‘Hello, dear,’ said the first drunk cheerfully. ‘Shay, do you have any money for your loving hushband?’

‘My purse is on the kitchen table downstairs,’ snapped the wife. ‘Now for heaven’s sake get out of here!’

The two drunks made their way down to the kitchen and helped themselves. ‘Oh boy!’ said the first drunk, ‘there’s enough here for a couple of pints for me and a couple for you!’

‘Yes, but what about that fellow up there with your wife?’ asked his pal.

‘To hell with him!’ said the first drunk. ‘Let him buy his own beer!’

Wife: What’s the idea of getting home at this time in the morning?

Husband: What do you mean? I hurried home becaush I thought you might be loneshum, but I shee you’ve got [hic!] your twin shishter shtaying with you!

During the days of Prohibition in America, two moonshiners were discussing business. ‘When I takes my liquor into town,’ said one, ‘I always drives mighty slow.’

‘Why’s that?’ asked the second man.

‘Well, you gotta age the stuff, ain’t you!’ was the reply.

‘I’m drinking to forget,’ said the sad drunk at the bar. ‘To forget what?’ asked the bartender.

‘To forget I’m an alcoholic!’

Two Scotsmen were appearing in court, charged with being drunk and disorderly. ‘How do you know they were drunk?’ asked the judge.

‘Well, sir,’ said the constable, ‘one of them had his wallet open and was throwing money away – and the other one was picking it up and giving it back.’

The temperance lecturer looked sternly at his audience and declared, ‘I have lived in this town all my life. There are 123 pubs in this district and I can honestly say I’ve never been in one of them.’

‘Which one is that?’ said a voice from the back of the hall.

I understand there’s a new organization called the AAAA – it’s for people who are being driven to drink.

Late one evening, the door of the police station was pushed open and in staggered a chap who had obviously had one over the proverbial eight. ‘Offisher,’ he said to the duty policeman, ‘do you remember me? My place wash burgled last week without anyone being woken up.’

‘Yes, sir,’ said the policeman. ‘I remember.’

‘Well,’ said the drunk, ‘could you put me in touch with the man that did it? I want to ask him how he got in without waking my wife.’

A fellow was travelling to work on the bus one morning and the conductor recognized him. ‘Did you get home all right last night?’ asked the conductor.

‘Yes,’ said the fellow. ‘Why do you ask?’

‘Because when you got up and gave that lady your seat, you two were the only people on the bus!’

One day, at lunch, W. C. Fields was suffering from an unusually severe hangover. ‘Can I fix you an Alka-Seltzer, sir?’ asked the waiter.

‘No,’ moaned Fields. ‘I couldn’t stand the noise!’

O’Reilly: Did you hear about O’Shaughnessy? He fell down a flight of stairs with a crate of Guinness and he didn’t spill a drop!