Edward Phillips - More of the World’s Best Drinking Jokes

Did you hear the one about the two drunks who were riding a roller coaster? Finally one turned to the other and said, ‘You know, I think we got on the wrong bus!’

A doctor, hoping to cure a man of his alcoholism, asked him, ‘How did you come to get so completely intoxicated?’ ‘I got into bad company, doctor,’ he said. ‘You see, there were four of us. I had a bottle of whisky, and the other three were teetotallers.’

In the course of an interview, a British wine expert visiting a French vineyard was asked by a reporter, ‘Which do you think is more important, sex or wine?’

The connoisseur thought it over, then cautiously enquired, ‘Claret or Burgundy?’

The drunk was on his way home after an afternoon drinking session. He accidentally wandered into the zoo and found himself in front of a cage containing a hippopotamus. ‘Don’t look at me like that, dear,’ he stammered. ‘I can explain everything!’

I like the way they test whisky in Kentucky. They take a jug of the stuff and send a charge of electricity through it. If the whisky turns sour, it’s no good. But if it chases the current back to the generator, then it’s ready for sale.

If you’re drinking, don’t drive to work. In fact, if you’re drinking, don’t go to work at all – stay home and have a ball.

A little boy of about ten went into a bar and sat down at one of the tables, all by himself. The barmaid came over and he said, ‘Bring me a double Scotch.’

‘You’re under age – do you want to get me into trouble?’ the waitress said.

‘We’ll talk about that later – just bring me my double Scotch.’

PLEASE DON’T FLATTER THE BARTENDER. HE’D RATHER NOT CHANGE HIS OPINION OF YOU.

PLEASE DO NOT INSULT OUR BARTENDERS. CUSTOMERS WE CAN GET.

IF YOU ARE DRINKING TO FORGET, PLEASE PAY FOR YOUR DRINKS IN ADVANCE.

NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR PATRONS LEFT OVER 30 DAYS.

EVERYTHING ON SALE AT THE BAR IS OF THE VERY FINEST QUALITY. EVEN THE WATER HAS BEEN PASSED BY THE MANAGEMENT.

DON’T CRY IN YOUR BEER. IT’S WEAK ENOUGH AS IT IS.

YOUR WIFE CAN ONLY GET SO MAD. RELAX AND HAVE ANOTHER ONE.

IF YOU WANT TO RESIGN FROM ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, WHY NOT DO IT HERE?

Did you hear the one about the drunk who got in a taxi and said, ‘Eight times around Regent’s Park – and make it schnappy!’ For forty-five minutes the taxi circled Regent’s Park with the drunk bouncing around in the back seat. Going into the fourth lap he got very excited. He leaned forward, grabbed the driver by the shoulder and yelled, ‘Faster, you fool, faster! Can’t you shee I’m in a hurry!’

It was a woman who drove me to drink. I still feel bad about it. I never wrote and thanked her.

A drunk walked into a bar and said, ‘Give me a gim and tomic.’

The barman said, ‘You’re drunk – get out!’

The drunk went out, walked right round the block, came back in again, walked up to the bar and said, ‘Give me a gim and tomic.’

The barman said, ‘You’re drunk – get out!’

Again the drunk walked out, right round the block, back in again, up to the bar, and said, ‘Give me a gim and tomic.’

Again the barman said, ‘You’re drunk – get out!’

And the drunk said, ‘Just a minute! Do you own all the pubs in this town?’

A fellow was sitting in a bar one evening when he noticed another customer knocking back double Scotches. As fast as the bartender served him, he tossed down the whisky in one gulp. ‘That’s no way to treat good whisky,’ said the first customer.

‘I know,’ said the man, ‘but it’s the only way I’ve been able to drink them since my accident.’

‘What sort of accident was it?’ asked the first chap.

‘It was awful,’ said the second. ‘I knocked one over with my elbow!’

A chap went into a pub and said to the barman, ‘Give me a pint of your strongest and most expensive lager.’ When the barman served him, he drank the lager down, and then groaned, ‘Oh, I shouldn’t have had that with what I’ve got!’

The barman said, ‘Why – what have you got?’ And the fellow said, ‘10p!’

A fellow suffering from severe toothache finally plucked up enough courage to go to the dentist. But his courage deserted him as soon as he sat down in the dentist’s chair. ‘You’d better have a tot of whisky to calm your nerves,’ said the dentist.

After the patient had drunk the whisky, the dentist said, ‘How do you feel now?’

‘I’m still nervous,’ said the patient, so the dentist gave him another tot of whisky. This was followed by a third, then a fourth, then a fifth.

‘Have you got your courage back yet?’ asked the dentist.

‘I’ll say!’ said the patient, squaring his shoulders. ‘I’d like to see the man who’d dare touch my teeth now!’

Contrary to popular opinion, pouring black coffee into a drunk doesn’t do any good at all. All that happens is that you end up with a wide-awake drunk.

First Drunk: Gimme a Horse’s Neck!

Second Drunk: I’ll have a Horse’s Tail! No sense in killing two horses!

Did you hear the one about the fellow who walked into a pub with a pig under his arm? The barman said, ‘Where did you get that?’

‘I won it in a raffle,’ said the pig.

The landlord of a pub near Hyde Park had a beautiful Golden Labrador and every evening he used to get the barman to take it for a walk in the park and a swim in the Serpentine. And every evening the barman brought the dog back, tired, happy and damp. One night a customer said, ‘I’ve seen that dog before.’

‘Well, he’s in here every night,’ the landlord said.

‘No, I’ve seen him somewhere else. I saw him tied to a tree outside the pub down the road. A chap came out of the pub and threw a bucket of water over him.’

A woman was discussing her husband with a friend in the supermarket. ‘If the cigarette machine wasn’t just a couple of feet from the bar,’ she said, ‘he’d get no exercise at all!’

Breaking with custom, a woman decided to have a Scotch and soda as a nightcap. After drinking it, she went upstairs to kiss her small son goodnight. As she bent to kiss him, he said, ‘Mummy! You’re wearing Daddy’s perfume!’

Two inebriates staggered out of a pub at closing time. One of them was in a far worse state than the other and his friend said, ‘You’re in no condition to walk. Why don’t you take a bus home?’

‘It wouldn’t be any use,’ muttered his pal. ‘The wife wouldn’t let me keep it in the houshe!’

Did you hear about the young man who took a young lady home to his flat? He offered her a Scotch and sofa and she reclined.

A married couple attended a cocktail party. After a couple of hours, the husband said, ‘Don’t have any more to drink, Mabel – your face is getting blurred!’

Teacher: Jimmy, I want you to spell ‘straight’.

Jimmy: S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T.

Teacher: Correct. Now what does it mean?

Jimmy: Without water.

‘I’ll tell you what the matter is with you,’ said the judge to the drunk in the dock. ‘Alcohol! It’s alcohol and alcohol alone that is responsible for your present troubles.’

‘Thank you, Judge, thank you,’ said the drunk. ‘Everybody else says it’s my own fault.’

A drunk was standing on the corner of the street when a policeman came up. ‘Shay, offisher, where’sh the corner?’ he mumbled.

‘You’re standing on it,’ said the policeman.

‘No wonder I couldn’t find it!’ said the drunk.

‘Was your wife angry when you came home drunk last night?’

‘Not really. I was going to have those front teeth out anyway.’