Debra Kastner - A Holiday Prayer

Her heart warmed at the sight of her son’s glowing eyes. It was worth any amount of pain to give her son some joy in his life. And perhaps—if God were merciful—she could partake in a moment or two of Christmas joy herself.

She wanted to wrap her arms around him in a bear hug, but knew he would take that as a personal assault on his big-boy dignity. Instead, she ruffled his hair. “Well, it’s supposed to be.”

She laughed as Nicky threw himself into a pile of limbs as if it were a mountain of crisp autumn leaves.

“As you can see, Mom’s having a little bit of trouble putting this thing together.”

Nicky’s expression became serious, his brows knit together. “I’ll help.”

The look was so much his father’s that Maddie’s throat tightened.

Nicky began gathering limbs in his stout little arms. “Look, Mom. They have colors on the ends.”

Hmm. So they did. How had she missed something so patently obvious? She couldn’t say, but she felt the heat rising in her cheeks. Leave it to her six-year-old son to solve the problem before she did.

She picked up one of the smaller branches, marked with yellow paint on the end that stuck into the base. “These yellow ones must go on top.”

Humming along with “Jingle Bells,” she began poking the metal end into the top of the base. They’d have a Christmas tree yet. And maybe even before the new year hit!

“No, Mama. The big branches first. That’s how Daddy always used to do it.”

Tears sprang again to her eyes, and she quickly brushed them away before her son could see. How could he possibly remember Peter putting up the Christmas tree? It had been two years—two achingly painful years—since there’d been no tree last year. Last year they’d celebrated Christmas in Children’s Hospital.

How could Nicky possibly remember that far back? He would have been four, watching Peter with wide-eyed wonder and the universal childhood belief that Daddy could do anything.

But somehow, he remembered.

She cleared her throat against the pain choking the breath from her lungs. The picture of flames engulfing the Santa’s workshop display overwhelmed her, as if she were trapped in a theater, forced to watch the same movie over and over. She could smell the acrid smoke…hear her son screaming.

Daddy. Daddy. Daddy!

“Mom?” Nicky pulled on the sleeve of her sweat-shirt. “Mom? Are you okay?”

She shook her head to clear the memories. “We’re going to the zoo tonight,” she said a little too brightly, forcing her mind to shift gears.

“Will we get to see the elephants?” Nicky asked, excitement brimming from his eyes and voice.

Maddie nodded. “Yes, honey. We’ll get to see some very special elephants. They’re opening the new Pachyderm Pavilion tonight, and we get to be the first ones to see it.”

“What’s a pack-eee-drum?”

She laughed and hugged her bouncing, squirming child to her chest. “It means elephants, I think. And maybe rhinos, too. Can you guess why the Pachyderm Pavilion is so special?”

Nicky nodded solemnly. “My teacher told us at school. It has Daddy’s name on it, right Mom?”

“Right, sweetheart. And that’s why we get to be the first ones to go inside!”

“Do you think I can feed one of the elephants?”

“I don’t know about that. But it wouldn’t hurt to ask. You’re Peter Carlton’s son, after all.”

“Yesss!” Nicky bunched his fist and brought his elbow into his hip.

“I think I can safely promise you can feed the ducks. Now, why don’t we try and get this Christmas tree up before Christmas has come and gone. Can you help me sort the branches into piles?”

Neil March pulled his wool coat more tightly around his chest and stared dully at the pond where ducks quacked and vied for his attention. The bridge he stood on elevated his contact with the biting wind, and he shivered.

He shouldn’t be here. It was too risky. What if she saw him? Then she would know…

But he could no more keep himself from coming tonight than he could stop his heart from beating. He had to see her. At least one more time.

He’d stay well hidden. She’d be busy with the press. There was no way she’d spot him in the crowd. And it wasn’t as if she would recognize his face.

She would never have to know the truth.

The air was bitterly cold. He glanced up at the sky, wondering idly if it was going to snow.

He didn’t know why anyone would want to come to see the Denver Zoo’s Wildlights in this nasty weather—but the park was crowded. Probably the grand opening of the elephant exhibit lured them in. It had been well publicized.

As for him…he was here for her. There was no sense denying it. He was here because he couldn’t stand the thought of going through life without looking once more into those sparkling brown eyes.

He wanted so much more, but that was impossible for him. For them. They had barriers between them that made the Great Wall of China pale in comparison. Walls of which she knew nothing, and of which he knew too much.

His life was spiralling from painful to unbearable since meeting Maddie face to face, and he could do nothing to stop it. How could he? He deserved to suffer.

He was after all responsible for the accident, for the fire, for his store going up in flames. And ultimately, for Peter Carlton’s death. He’d have to live with that knowledge for the rest of his life.

With all the strength of his will, he pushed his mind from the future. And from the past. Brooding wouldn’t help matters.

At least he had tonight. Another chance to look at her. To see her shining eyes and glowing face. To listen to the sultry hum of her voice.

Even if she didn’t know he was there.

He wondered why she had given so much money to the zoo. Not that he begrudged her the money. He was glad she was spending it, remembering all too well her refusal to sully her hands with his pathetic attempt at atonement. As if anything could make her life better.

It was his fault that she was alone, and the guilt pierced his heart like a lance.

Why had she chosen elephants? They had been his childhood favorite, both at the zoo and the circus. Perhaps her son had chosen where the money went.

Or had they been Peter Carlton’s favorite, too?

A mallard swam up to the bridge and quacked loudly, flapping his wings for attention.

Neil glanced at his watch. He had a few minutes left before he needed to join the crowd heading toward the pavilion for the grand opening.

Fishing in his pocket for change, Neil smiled. “You’re in luck, Duck. I happen to have a quarter. And I happen to be in a good mood.”

It wasn’t exactly the truth. But it would have to do. He put the coin in the machine dispensing duck pellets and cranked the handle.

He didn’t have much to offer. But at least he could feed the ducks.

“Mom, look! The polar bear is going for a swim!” Wildlights at the Zoo was a yearly tradition for the Carltons. Adults and children alike enjoyed seeing the animals at night, and the zoo blazing with Christmas color.

Maddie shivered. That polar bear was clean out of his mind, lumbering into the icy water as if he were taking a cool dip in summertime. Give or take a few hours and he might be able to ice-skate on his pool.

If it wasn’t so cold, she might really be enjoying herself. But the nip of the wind stole away any pleasure she might have had. Nicky, bouncing with energy, didn’t seem to notice, and dashed away to the next display. It was all she could do to keep up with the boy.

She followed him halfheartedly, her mind wandered back to the previous evening.

Last night. What had she been doing at this time last night?