Michal Wimmer - The Complete Guide to Children's Drawings - Accessing Children‘s Emotional World through their Artwork

No doubt any parent would be exhausted by such behavior, especially if it lasts long. Due to such behavior many parents report having lost the pleasure of being a parent. Naturally, children such as this boy give their parents many moments of joy and laughter. It’s nice to observe him running and playing, but his objection to simple requests makes his parents feel weak and frustrated.

How to improve the family atmosphere?

There are several ways to improve an atmosphere in a family with a child who constantly turns down requests and acts defiantly:

1.Coping with daily transitions – Some children have difficulty with changes, which is mainly expressed by filling the entire page with a variety of scribbles, using sharp transitions from circular to angular scribbles. Such difficulty may be expressed in events such as going to trips with friends, going to kindergarten, bathing in the evening, falling asleep, etc. Any transition should be made gradually and slowly while using the opportunity for motor activity in the form of competing to the destination, even if the child only competes with himself.

Figure 3-9:Sharp transitions between circular and angular scribbling: difficulty with daily transitions

2.In all such transitions you should first check whether the parents’ behavior is consistent – each separately and both together. In this case, the source of the child’s difficulty was an unstructured daily schedule. Note that going to kindergarten and dining on regular hours provide children with confidence and emotional calm. Consistency should not be merely technical of course, but accompanied by parental messages and other valued behaviors.

3.Use movement to reach out – Most children like to run, but some need to do so more than others. This child, for example, needs to move during most of the day. This is indicated by his rapid and inconsistent scribbling style. Every time you want to talk to such child, it would be better to do it while walking or combined with any other activity. When such a child is in motion, he learns better. When walking is not feasible, try to maintain physical contact with the child during the conversation – even if you just put a hand on his shoulder, it will improve his listening. Note that some children like this one need activity to improve their attitude, rather than long dialogs that tire them.

4.Positive feedback – This method, using words or stickers, can do wonders. The feedback should be gradual – every succeeding stage is rewarded. For example, first a child will get a sticker only for getting up and dressing by himself in the morning. Next, he will receive a sticker for other activities at home and finally, for outdoor or complex requests. Note that a child may object to some requests along the way, so expect progress to be slow.

All of the above solutions work only if parents have faith in them and truly believe that keeping boundaries and complying with their requests are important for their child, even in adulthood. If the parent’s standpoint is “he is only a child…nothing will happen if is late for kindergarten…anyway he will have, as an adult, to get to work on time every day…”, then it will be difficult for the child to cope with transitions. Every parent prefers raising his child in a positive and joyful atmosphere, without quarrels or anger, but you must be aware of the thin line separating positive and negative stubbornness. This child’s resistance is an example of negative stubbornness. He takes his energies and spends them in a negative ways, doing things on purpose. His parents could teach him how to spend his energies in a positive way, empowering his positive stubbornness, which will later help him achieve goals in life.

Positive feedback messages delivered gradually teach a child to be in contact with his powers even when faced with complex situations. Proper positive feedback must include encouragement by the parent, showing confidence in his child’s abilities. The parent’s confidence will then increase the child’s confidence that he can succeed in the task. It is important to continue and challenge a child, until he himself adopts a behavioral pattern that will make him feel calm and confident in his abilities. In this case, the child’s independence is important for him, so it would be wise to reinforce this element in his personality, while weakening his negative stubbornness, which does not make for a healthy relationship.

Delegating responsibilities to children also helps boost their self-confidence and empower them. In my example, following the birth of the child’s younger brother, his parents could have asked him how he pictures himself as a big brother and what responsibilities he would like to receive with regards to his little brother. At the same time, it is important to give him the privileges of a big brother. For example, sitting alone with the parents when possible, just like they used to do before his brother was born.

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