Steve Biddulph - The Secret of Happy Children - A guide for parents

Thorsons

An imprint of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd. 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published in Australia by Bay Books 1984

Revised edition 1988

Angus & Robertson edition 1995

Published by Thorsons 1998

© Steve and Shaaron Biddulph 1984, 1988, 1993, 1998

Steve and Shaaron Biddulph assert the moral right to be identified as the authors of this work

Illustrations by Allan Stomann

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

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Source ISBN: 9780722536698

Ebook Edition © NOVEMBER 2012 ISBN: 9780007388318

Version: 2016-09-08

The secret of

happy

children

Steve Biddulph

Thanks to all in the Transactional Analysis community from the early seventies onwards, especially Colin McKenzie, Pat McKenzie, the Maslens, the Mellors, and Jean Grigor. These people both saved my life, and set me on this wonderful road. To my parents for a good start. To my partner Shaaron Biddulph for all that she has taught and given me. To Doro, June and everyone at Parent Network for bringing my work to England. To everyone at Thorsons UK. And to all of us parents everywhere, for struggling on and still remembering how to laugh.

Cover

Title Page The secret of happy children Steve Biddulph

Copyright

Dedication

Foreword

1 Seeds in the Mind You hypnotise your children every single day. You may as well do it properly!

2 What Children Really Want It’s cheaper than video games, and healthier than ice-cream!

3 Curing by Listening How to help your child deal with an unkind world

4 Kids and Emotions What is really going on?

5 The Assertive Parent Firmness. Do it – now.

6 Family shape Dad? Who’s Dad?

7 Ages and Stages Do you mean this is normal?

8 Energy and How to Save It Good news – your children need you healthy and happy.

9 Special Situations How you can help if you’re a teacher, a politician, a grandparent, neighbour or friend.

Postscript

Keep Reading

Appendix

The Story Behind this Book

About the Author

About the Publisher

Why are so many adults unhappy?

Think of all the people who have problems – who lack confidence, cannot make a decision, worry about little details, can’t relax, or can’t make friends with other people. Think of those who are aggressive, putting people down and ignoring the needs of those around them. Add to the above all those just holding on until the next drink or the next tranquilliser.

In one of the richest, most peaceful countries in the world, unhappiness is epidemic. One adult in every five will at some time need psychiatric care, one marriage in three ends in divorce, one adult in four needs medication to relax. It’s a great life!

Unemployment and difficult economic circumstances don’t help, but unhappiness is present in all income groups – rich, poor and in-between. It’s a problem, in fact, that no amount of money seems to solve.

On the other hand, we are often puzzled by some people’s constant cheerfulness and optimism. Why is it that, in some individuals, the human spirit blossoms in spite of apparent hardship?

The fact of the matter is that many people have unhappiness programmed into them. They have been unwittingly taught to be unhappy and are simply living out the script. When reading this book you may realise that, by accident, you are hypnotising your children into disliking themselves, and causing them to have problems which may last a lifetime.

How this happens and how to change it – in fact, how to create happy children – is what this book is all about.

It’s nine o’clock at night and I’m sitting in my office with a tearful fifteen-year old girl. She is dressed in fashionable, older-than-her-years clothes, but the effect is only to make her look more helpless and childlike. We are talking about the fact that she is pregnant and what can be done about it.

This is familiar ground for me, and for anyone who works with teenagers. It doesn’t mean, though, that it can be hurried. What matters is that, for the young woman sitting in front of me, this is the worst day of her life and she needs all the support, time and clarity, that I can offer. About all, she must make her own decision.

I ask about her parents’ likely reaction – when they find out. She almost spits out the answer.

‘Oh, they’ll say they told me so. They always said I’d never amount to nothing!’

Later, as I drive home, that one sentence stays in my mind. ‘They always said I’d never amount to nothing.’ I’ve often heard parents talk to kids like that.

‘You’re hopeless.’

‘God, you’re a nuisance.’

‘You’ll be sorry, just you see.’

‘You’re as bad as your Uncle Merv’ (who’s in jail).