Rob Zombie - Bringing Metal To The Children - The Complete Berserker’s Guide to World Tour Domination

Dedication Dedication Epigraph General Black Label Society Warning Foreword by Chris Jericho Author’s Note Preface Chapter One: The Berzerkers of Asgard Chapter Two: The Black Vatican Chapter Three: GIFD Chapter Four: No Shitting on the Bus Chapter Five: Perils of Valhalla Chapter Six: Pssst! Don’t Tell the Warden Epilogue: One for the Road Picture Section Appendix: Bonus Material From the Desk of John DeServio Acknowledgments About the Authors Credits Copyright About the Publisher

To God and Jesus Christ for giving me life and for giving creation to the amazing cast of characters that make up the music business. Without them, life wouldn’t be as insane or as much fun as it is. I also should mention Vaseline lubricating jelly—without which my ass would never have healed from the relentless pounding, hammering, fisting, plowing, and gaping joys I received from said cast of characters.

Epigraph Epigraph General Black Label Society Warning Foreword by Chris Jericho Author’s Note Preface Chapter One: The Berzerkers of Asgard Chapter Two: The Black Vatican Chapter Three: GIFD Chapter Four: No Shitting on the Bus Chapter Five: Perils of Valhalla Chapter Six: Pssst! Don’t Tell the Warden Epilogue: One for the Road Picture Section Appendix: Bonus Material From the Desk of John DeServio Acknowledgments About the Authors Credits Copyright About the Publisher

ON THE COVER: The spiked wristband I’m wearing on the cover of this book was a gift for my thirty-ninth birthday from my good friend and Black Label brother Kerry King, a true Berzerker who also calls upon the OdinForce of Valhalla to forge the Metal for his band, Slayer.

Title Page

Dedication Dedication Dedication Epigraph General Black Label Society Warning Foreword by Chris Jericho Author’s Note Preface Chapter One: The Berzerkers of Asgard Chapter Two: The Black Vatican Chapter Three: GIFD Chapter Four: No Shitting on the Bus Chapter Five: Perils of Valhalla Chapter Six: Pssst! Don’t Tell the Warden Epilogue: One for the Road Picture Section Appendix: Bonus Material From the Desk of John DeServio Acknowledgments About the Authors Credits Copyright About the Publisher To God and Jesus Christ for giving me life and for giving creation to the amazing cast of characters that make up the music business. Without them, life wouldn’t be as insane or as much fun as it is. I also should mention Vaseline lubricating jelly—without which my ass would never have healed from the relentless pounding, hammering, fisting, plowing, and gaping joys I received from said cast of characters.

Epigraph Epigraph Epigraph General Black Label Society Warning Foreword by Chris Jericho Author’s Note Preface Chapter One: The Berzerkers of Asgard Chapter Two: The Black Vatican Chapter Three: GIFD Chapter Four: No Shitting on the Bus Chapter Five: Perils of Valhalla Chapter Six: Pssst! Don’t Tell the Warden Epilogue: One for the Road Picture Section Appendix: Bonus Material From the Desk of John DeServio Acknowledgments About the Authors Credits Copyright About the Publisher ON THE COVER: The spiked wristband I’m wearing on the cover of this book was a gift for my thirty-ninth birthday from my good friend and Black Label brother Kerry King, a true Berzerker who also calls upon the OdinForce of Valhalla to forge the Metal for his band, Slayer.

General Black Label Society Warning NOT A SINGLE SENSICAL WORD EXISTS IN THE CONTEXT OF THIS Volume, Nor were Any Good Judgments or Rational Decisions Executed in Its Production. This Book was Planned, Developed, Produced, and Submitted under the Complete, Utter, and Absolute Idiocy of the Authors. In Fact, This Book is So Completely Horrendous that any Physical Contact with its Pages may cause Vertigo, Memory Loss, Nausea, Vomiting, and Uncontrollable Evacuation of the Bowels. The Authors do not Recommend that you Attempt any of the Stunts in this Book, with the Exception of some of the Really Cool Ones. Lastly, no Animals were Fondled in the Making of this Book. I look forward to Performing my own Prostate Exams each day and I Thoroughly enjoy Fucking Slamming my Meat all by Myself. I don’t need no Stinking Fucking Animals. While this Book Offers Extensive Advice Intended for the Betterment of People’s Lives (Because that’s What I do), By No Means is it a Safe Alternative to Traditional Therapy. This Book will, However, Make your Penis Larger. If You don’t Have a Penis, it Will Still Make it Larger. And if your Wife has a Penis, it will Make hers Larger as Well.

Foreword by Chris Jericho

Author’s Note

Preface

Chapter One: The Berzerkers of Asgard

Chapter Two: The Black Vatican

Chapter Three: GIFD

Chapter Four: No Shitting on the Bus

Chapter Five: Perils of Valhalla

Chapter Six: Pssst! Don’t Tell the Warden

Epilogue: One for the Road

Picture Section

Appendix: Bonus Material

From the Desk of John DeServio

Acknowledgments

About the Authors

Credits

Copyright

About the Publisher

NOT A SINGLE SENSICAL WORD EXISTS IN THE CONTEXT OF THIS Volume, Nor were Any Good Judgments or Rational Decisions Executed in Its Production. This Book was Planned, Developed, Produced, and Submitted under the Complete, Utter, and Absolute Idiocy of the Authors. In Fact, This Book is So Completely Horrendous that any Physical Contact with its Pages may cause Vertigo, Memory Loss, Nausea, Vomiting, and Uncontrollable Evacuation of the Bowels. The Authors do not Recommend that you Attempt any of the Stunts in this Book, with the Exception of some of the Really Cool Ones. Lastly, no Animals were Fondled in the Making of this Book. I look forward to Performing my own Prostate Exams each day and I Thoroughly enjoy Fucking Slamming my Meat all by Myself. I don’t need no Stinking Fucking Animals. While this Book Offers Extensive Advice Intended for the Betterment of People’s Lives (Because that’s What I do), By No Means is it a Safe Alternative to Traditional Therapy. This Book will, However, Make your Penis Larger. If You don’t Have a Penis, it Will Still Make it Larger. And if your Wife has a Penis, it will Make hers Larger as Well.

I’VE BEEN IN SHOW BUSINESS FOR OVER TWENTY YEARS AND IN THAT time, between wrestling, music, writing books, and acting, I’ve met a lot of characters: freaks, geeks, sheiks, big jerks, young turks, Captain Kirks, Aussies, Ozzys, Fozzys, chicks, pricks, dicks, dicks with chicks, chicks with dicks, and everything in between. But I’ve never met anyone like Zakk Wylde. In a world infested with obnoxious egomaniacs, backstabbing charlatans, temperamental prima donnas (of which I confess I am one), world-class fakes, and all-around Grade-A Assholes, Zakk Wylde is real.