Andy Stanton - Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity

PRAISE FOR Mr Gum:

‘Funny? You bet.’ Guardian

‘Andy Stanton accumulates silliness and jokes

in an irresistible, laughter-inducing romp.’

Sunday Times

‘Raucous, revoltingly rambunctious and nose-

snortingly funny.’ Daily Mail

‘It’s hilarious, it’s brilliant . . . Stanton’s the Guv’nor,

The Boss.’ Danny Baker, BBC London Radio

‘It provoked long and painful belly laughs from

my daughter, who is eight.’ Daily Telegraph

‘They’re the funniest books . . . I can’t recommend

them enough.’ Stephen Mangan

‘They are brilliant.’ Zoe Ball, Radio 2

‘Funniest book I have ever and will ever read . . .

When I read this to my mum she burst out laughing

and nearly wet herself . . . When I had finished the

book I wanted to read it all over again it was so

good.’ Bryony, aged 8

‘Do not even think about buying another book –

This is gut- spillingly funty.’ Alex, aged 13

‘Smooky palooki! This book is well brilliant.’

Jeremy Strong

For Tony McGowan - AS

For Mrs Aubrey - DT

Egmont

We bring stories to life

First published in Great Britain 2018

by Egmont UK Limited

The Yellow Building, 1 Nicholas Road, London W11 4AN

Text copyright © 2018 Andy Stanton

Illustrations copyright © 2018 David Tazzyman

The moral rights of the author and illustrators have been asserted

978 1 4052 9098 2

eISBN 978 1 4052 9276 4

68623/001

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available

from the British Library

Typeset by Avon DataSet Ltd, Bidford on Avon, Warwickshire

Printed and bound in Great Britain by the CPI Group

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,

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CONTENTS

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20

31

32

72

84

102

103

112

133

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136

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218

NATBOFF 20,000 YEARS BC NATBOFF L ong long timm go in Lamonic Bibber was cavma days. Bigges cavma was Natboff. 1

THE MASSIVE GIANT AND THE FLEA 1115 BC THE MASSIVE GIANT AND THE FLEA M any hundreds of years ago, when Lamonic Bibber wasn’t even really a town yet, just a few huts and a warlock 20

Bibbering Through the Ages: The Stone Table Bibbering Through The Ages The Stone Table The Stone Table that stands on the outskirts of Lamonic Bibber is a mysterious and powerful object of ancient times. Recent tests have revealed that it may be much older than previously thought, perhaps dating as far back as 400 years BC (Before Chairs). Although no one knows exactly what it was used for, it was probably built by the so-called ‘Oakic people’, a group of nature-worshipping weirdies who spent their time dancing around hillsides, dressed as acorns and singing songs about dead badgers. Today the Oakic people have mostly been forgotten, although some of their rites and ceremonies have survived into the modern age, such as the Festival of the Leaves, which still takes place every autumn, and the Eurovision Song Contest, which falls around May. (Thankfully, a number of their other ceremonies, such as the Month of Human Sacrifices, the Other Month of Human Sacrifices, and the notorious ‘Nudey Day’, have died out naturally over time.)

Princess Snowflake and the Gypsy King Once Upon a Time . . . Princess Snowflake and the Gypsy King O nce upon a time, long ago in the Age of Fairy Tales, when the whole wide world was sugar and spice and apples and mice and snow and ice 32

The Story of Old King Thunderbelly and the Wall of Lamonic Bibber 561 AD The Story of Old King Thunderbelly and the Wall of Lamonic Bibber N ow, all this happened way back in the Dark Ages, when people still thought that the world was flat, not like today when we know it’s a sort of giant shiny cube. 72

Life and Times of Saint Follican 9 700 AD 9 Life and || Times Of || Saint Follican | (As written by Bene The Elder, a stinking old monk of the Order Of The Prawn) 84

Bibbering Through the Ages: Ráðghöldeskvúldrr PRAISE FOR Mr Gum: ‘Funny? You bet.’ Guardian ‘Andy Stanton accumulates silliness and jokes in an irresistible, laughter-inducing romp.’ Sunday Times ‘Raucous, revoltingly rambunctious and nose- snortingly funny.’ Daily Mail ‘It’s hilarious, it’s brilliant . . . Stanton’s the Guv’nor, The Boss.’ Danny Baker, BBC London Radio ‘It provoked long and painful belly laughs from my daughter, who is eight.’ Daily Telegraph ‘They’re the funniest books . . . I can’t recommend them enough.’ Stephen Mangan ‘They are brilliant.’ Zoe Ball, Radio 2 ‘Funniest book I have ever and will ever read . . . When I read this to my mum she burst out laughing and nearly wet herself . . . When I had finished the book I wanted to read it all over again it was so good.’ Bryony, aged 8 ‘Do not even think about buying another book – This is gut- spillingly funty.’ Alex, aged 13 ‘Smooky palooki! This book is well brilliant.’ Jeremy Strong

A BRIEF HISTORY of the MERRIE OLD KINGS and QUEENS of ENGLAND PRAISE FOR Mr Gum: ‘Funny? You bet.’ Guardian ‘Andy Stanton accumulates silliness and jokes in an irresistible, laughter-inducing romp.’ Sunday Times ‘Raucous, revoltingly rambunctious and nose- snortingly funny.’ Daily Mail ‘It’s hilarious, it’s brilliant . . . Stanton’s the Guv’nor, The Boss.’ Danny Baker, BBC London Radio ‘It provoked long and painful belly laughs from my daughter, who is eight.’ Daily Telegraph ‘They’re the funniest books . . . I can’t recommend them enough.’ Stephen Mangan ‘They are brilliant.’ Zoe Ball, Radio 2 ‘Funniest book I have ever and will ever read . . . When I read this to my mum she burst out laughing and nearly wet herself . . . When I had finished the book I wanted to read it all over again it was so good.’ Bryony, aged 8 ‘Do not even think about buying another book – This is gut- spillingly funty.’ Alex, aged 13 ‘Smooky palooki! This book is well brilliant.’ Jeremy Strong

The Two Friends PRAISE FOR Mr Gum: ‘Funny? You bet.’ Guardian ‘Andy Stanton accumulates silliness and jokes in an irresistible, laughter-inducing romp.’ Sunday Times ‘Raucous, revoltingly rambunctious and nose- snortingly funny.’ Daily Mail ‘It’s hilarious, it’s brilliant . . . Stanton’s the Guv’nor, The Boss.’ Danny Baker, BBC London Radio ‘It provoked long and painful belly laughs from my daughter, who is eight.’ Daily Telegraph ‘They’re the funniest books . . . I can’t recommend them enough.’ Stephen Mangan ‘They are brilliant.’ Zoe Ball, Radio 2 ‘Funniest book I have ever and will ever read . . . When I read this to my mum she burst out laughing and nearly wet herself . . . When I had finished the book I wanted to read it all over again it was so good.’ Bryony, aged 8 ‘Do not even think about buying another book – This is gut- spillingly funty.’ Alex, aged 13 ‘Smooky palooki! This book is well brilliant.’ Jeremy Strong