Andy Stanton - Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity

AN HARIER THAN NATBOFF. YOU COM

WIV CHUNKA NOW.’

‘IT TRUE,’ say Sally. ‘CHUNKA SO

BIG AN FAT AN HARY! SALLY NO

LOV NATBOFF NO MORE! SALLY LOV

CHUNKA NOW! SALLY AN CHUNKA IN

LOV!’

‘HA HA,’ say Chunka. ‘CHUNKA

DONE IT AGEN!’

Chunka throw roks at Natboff an Sally

spit in Natboff har. Then Chunka an Sally run

way way off into foress to do baby cavmas.

Natboff ver sad. Natboff do cry.

Wolf com along an lick up Natboff tears

5

fro eyes.

‘WOLF BE NATBOFF FREND?’ say

Natboff.

Wolf nod.

‘WOLF BE NATBOFF WIFE?’ say

Natboff hopfuly.

Wolf laff an shak hed.

‘BUT WOLF BE NICE TO NATBOFF AT

LEEST?’ say Natboff.

Wolf nod.

‘MEBBE THINNGS NOT SO BAD

AFTEH AL,’ say Natboff.

But at night Wolf eat Natboff!

Now Natboff in Wolf tummy.

‘THIS WORST DAY OF NATBOFF

LIFF,’ say Natboff. ‘WAT NATBOFF DO

NOW?’

Natboff com up wiv plan.

6

NATBOFF WAIT TIL WOLF NEED

TOILET IN BUSH, thinnk Natboff. THEN

NATBOFF COM OUT OF WOLF AGEN!

BETER THAN EVEH!

So Natboff wait al day wile Wolf run

round eatig stuf. Lateh on Wolf get belly

rumbles.

‘O NO,’ say Wolf. ‘WOLF NEED FIND

BUSH BEFOR TO LATE.’

HERE ME CHANSE, thinnk Natboff.

Wolf go to bush an push it al out. Out

com Natboff, beter than eveh! (But a bit

smel.)

‘NEVEH MIN,’ say Natboff to himsel.

‘STIL GUD TO BE OUT OF WOLF AGEN.’

Natboff go up to Wolf.

‘NAUGTY WOLF!’ shou Natboff. ‘YOU

SAY YOU NATBOFF FREND! BUT YOU

7

EAT NATBOFF!’

‘SORY,’ say Wolf. ‘ME FORGET.’

‘OK,’ say Natboff. ‘BUT YOU NATBOFF

FREND NOW?’

‘DEFINETT,’ say Wolf. ‘WOLF AN

NATBOFF FREND. WOLF AN NATBOFF

DO DISCO TO SELEBRAT.’

So Wolf an Natboff do disco in cav. It fun,

but it stil not solv probbem.

‘IT FUN, BUT IT STIL NOT SOLV

PROBBEM,’ say Natboff. ‘SALLY STIL WIV

CHUNKA. WAT NATBOFF DO NOW?’

‘GO ON INTERNET,’ say Wolf, ‘MEBBE

THAT HELP.’

So Natboff go on internet but it cavma

days, long long go, an bak then internet jus big

rok wiv ‘Google’ carve on. No help at al!

‘INTERNET RUBISH!’ say Natboff.

8

‘NATBOFF HATE INTERNET!’

Wolf eat internet.

‘NOW WAT NATBOFF DO?’ say

Natboff.

‘WOLF GET HELP FROM FRENDS,’ say

Wolf.

‘WOLF GOT MITY FRENDS?’ say

Natboff.

‘MITIEST EVEH!’ say Wolf prowdly.

‘WOLF GO AN GET MITY FRENDS. THEN

CHUNKA GOT NO CHANSE!’

Wolf run out of cav.

Natboff wait.

Natboff wait a bit mor.

Natboff wait ages.

Natboff wait Stone Ages.

Natboff discoveh fire.

Natboff happy!

9

Natboff set har on fire!

Natboff not so happy.

‘WOLF TAKIG FOREVEH,’ say Natboff.

Natboff starvig.

Natboff eat own burnned har.

‘BURNNED HAR DISGUSSIG,’ say

Natboff.

Natboff spit har out everwher.

Natboff try eatig cav.

No gud.

Evencherlee Wolf come bak wiv frends.

‘LOOK AT MITY FRENDS,’ Wolf say

prowdly.

‘MITY ANT!

‘MITY SPIDA!

‘MITY LEEF!’

‘FRENDS NOT LOOK SO MITY,’

say Natboff. ‘NATBOFF THURT WOLF’S

10

FRENDS BE MITY BEAR! MITY MAMMOF!

MITY SABE-TOOTH TIGGER!’

‘SORY,’ say Wolf. ‘WOLF NOT KNO

THOSE GUYS. WOLF ONLY KNO MITY

ANT! MITY SPIDA! MITY LEEF!’

‘ME CAN DO THIRTY PRES-UPS,’ say

Mity Leef.

‘OK,’ say Natboff. ‘IT HAV TO DO. WAT

THE PLAN?’

‘CHUNKA LIV IN FORESS WIV SALLY

NOW,’ say Mity Spida. ‘SO WE GOT TO

GO TO FORESS. THEN WE SNEEK UP ON

CHUNKA.’

‘IS GUD START TO PLAN,’ say Natboff.

‘BUT WAT NEX?’

‘MITY ANT JUMP ON CHUNKA

LEGG AN LICK HIM,’ say Mity Spida.

‘THEN MITY SPIDA (THAT ME) TIKLE

11

CHUNKA FOOT. THEN WOLF BITE OFF

CHUNKA FACE. NATBOFF GET SALLY

BACK, EESY PEESY LEMMO SQUEE!’

‘MITY SPIDA GUD AT PLAN!’ say

Natboff. ‘MABBE THIS WURK AFTEH AL.

BUT WAT ABOU MITY LEEF? EVERWUN

ELSE DO STUF IN PLAN BUT MITY LEEF

DO NUTHIN.’

‘ME DO PRES-UPS TO DISTRAC

CHUNKA,’ say Mity Leef, flexig mussels.

‘IT GUDDEST PLAN OF AL TIMM!’ say Wolf. ‘LET DO DISCO TO SELEBRAT.’

Natboff, Wolf, Mity Ant, Mity Spida an Mity Leef do disco.

Gess hoo besst at disco dancc? Mity Ant.

Mity Ant win disco prize!

‘DISCO FUN,’ say Natboff. ‘BUT NOW

IT TIMM FOR PUT PLAN INTO ACSHUN.

12

WICH WAY FORESS?’

Mity Leef step forwar.

‘ME WAS BORN IN FORESS,’ say Mity Leef, ‘SO ME KNO EXAC WHER IT IS. FOLLO LEEF!’

‘NATBOFF HAD DOUTS ABOU MITY LEEF TO BEGIN WIV,’ say Natboff, ‘BUT NOW HE GROWIG ON ME.’

‘HA HA,’ say Mity Ant. ‘NATBOFF MAKK BIG FUNNEH!’

‘DISCO TO SELEBRAT?’ say Wolf hopfully.

‘MABBE LATEH,’ say Natboff.

AL WOLF WANT TO DO IS DISCO, thinnk Natboff. ME GETTIG PRETY SICK

OF WOLF. BUT ME NOT TELL WOLF OUT

LOUD BECOS WOLF NATBOFF FREND,

AN ME NOT WANT TO HURT WOLF

13

FEELIG.

(Natboff mite be cavma but Natboff a

sensitif sort of fello.)

Anyweh. Afteh al this, Natboff an gang

set off wiv Mity Leef leedig way. Evencherlee

com to foress.

Gess hoo in middel of foress tryig to

makk baby cavmas? It Chunka an Sally, jus as

Natboff susspecced!

‘YOU GUYS HIDDE IN BUSH,’

say Natboff to anima an plannt chums.

‘NATBOFF GONNA DO IT CRAFTY

STILE!’

Natboff step forwar crafty stile to wher

Chunka an Sally busy tryig to makk baby

cavmas.

‘HEY CHUNKA, HEY SALLY,’ say

Natboff.

14

‘HEY NATBOFF,’ say Chunka. ‘GO

AWAY, WE IN THE MIDDEL OF STUF.’

‘NATBOFF NOT COM AL THIS WAY

TO BE TALK TO LIKK THAT,’ say Natboff.

‘NATBOFF COM TO GET SALLY BAK.’

‘O YEAH?’ say Chunka. ‘HOW

NATBOFF GONNA DO THAT? CHUNKA

SO BIG AN HARY, NATBOFF GOT NO

CHANSE.’

‘NATBOFF GOT CHUMS,’ say Natboff.

Natboff giv the secre comman.

Imedialy Mity Leef jump out of bush an

do pres-ups.

Chunka can harly beleev eyes!

Wile Chunka distracced by Mity Leef,

Mity Ant jump out an lick Chunka legg!

Wile Chunka try to cope wiv that, Mity

Spida run up an tikle Chunka foot!

15

‘WAT GOIN ON?’ say Chunka.

Then Wolf jump out an bite off Chunka face!

‘OW!’ say Chunka face from insidde Wolf. ‘OK, OK, CHUNKA GIV IN! NATBOFF

WIN.’

‘SALLY TOTALL SORY FOR GO OFF WIV CHUNKA BEFOR,’ say Sally. ‘SALLY TOTALL LOV NATBOFF AGEN NOW.

NATBOFF NOT AS FAT AN HARY AS

CHUNKA – BUT AT LEES NATBOFF GOT A FACE.’

‘DISCO TO SELEBRAT?’ say Wolf.

‘DEFINETT!’ say everwun.

Hole gang do disco in foress. Chunka join in wiv disco too, even tho Chunka got no face. It horibel to watch, but gud try from Chunka.

‘CHUNKA NOT SUCH A BAD FELLO

17

AFTEH AL,’ say Natboff.

Lateh on Chunka get steped on by Wooly Mammof.

Natboff an Sally bureh Chunka unerneef bush.

Mity Spida dres up as holy prees an say prayer for Chunka.

Everwun cry.

But liff go on.

Natboff an Sally makk baby cavma an gess wat they cal him?

Chunka!

‘IT IN MEMORY OF BESST CAVMA HOO EVEH LIV,’ say Natboff, an everwun agree.

‘AL IN AL IT BEEN GUD DAY,’ say Mity Leef. ‘WE DONE BRILLIA

AVENCHER. PLUS EVERWUN MADD

18

NEW FRENDS!’