Andy Stanton - Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity

‘SALLY TOTALL LOV NATBOFF FOR AL TIMM,’ say Sally.

‘EVERWUN LOV NATBOFF,’ say everwun. (Even Natboff say it! Even baby Chunka say it!)

‘DISCO TO SELEBRAT?’ say Wolf.

‘BIGGES DEFINETT EVEH!’ say everwun.

ENND

1115 BC

THE

MASSIVE

GIANT

AND THE

FLEA

M

any hundreds of years ago,

when Lamonic Bibber wasn’t even

really a town yet, just a few huts and a warlock

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who lived on Boaster’s Hill turning turnips into balloons, there lived a massive giant. Now, this giant’s name was Gavin and he really was large. His head, right, his head was so big, right, his head was so big that, well, here’s the thing, right, his head was sooooo big that, OK, I hope you’re ready for this, his head was soooooo ENORMOUS, right, that OK, hold on, his head was sooooooooo massive that it was about the size, are you sure you’re ready for this, his head was sooooo vast that – well, to be honest, I don’t really know how big his head was.

But his hands, right, his hands were SO UNBELIEVABLY HUGE, so UNBEARABLY, INCREDIBLY COLOSSAL, right, his hands, his hands yeah, OK, fair enough, I don’t know how big his hands were either. But what about his feet? Oh my goodness! You see, Gavin the

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giant’s feet – and I do hope you’re sitting down to hear this because it really will blow your mind – well, actually I have no idea how big Gavin the giant’s feet were either.

I tell you what, can we start again? The story of ‘The Massive Giant And The Flea’ is amazing and I want to get it exactly right.

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THE

MASSIVE GIANT AND THE FLEA

A

ges ago, much longer ago than you can

remember because you’re only about

seven, Lamonic Bibber was just a few huts

and also there was a warlock who I might

have mentioned before who lived on Boaster’s

Hill turning balloons into hats. But the most

incredible person in all that land was not just

a person but a MASSIVE GIANT and he was

called Gavin the giant.

Oh my word, he was enormous! Each

one of his eyes was, well, they were just, they

were, look, you know what eyes are normally

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like, don’t you? Of course you do, you’ve seen eyes before. And not only have you seen eyes

before, but you’ve actually got eyes, haven’t you? So you’ve seen eyes with your own eyes and you know how big they are, more or less, right? Well, the thing about these eyes of Gavin the giant’s, this is what you have to understand – the thing about his eyes was, OK, look, I’m not going to lie to you, I have no idea how big

Gavin the giant’s eyes were, I really haven’t got any idea at all. But I bet you’re curious to

know how big his nose was, aren’t you? And if you are, then you’re in for an astonishing treat,

because Gavin the giant’s nose, you see, Gavin the giant’s nose was – OK, hold on.

Imagine a normal person’s nose is about the size of an apricot, can you imagine that? Let’s say that most people have a nose the

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size of an apricot, that’s a good way to start.

Now, bearing in mind that a normal person’s

nose is about the size of one apricot, one single,

delicious apricot that you might find down the

greengrocer’s, or growing on a tree, actually do

apricots grow on trees? Or more on bushes? I’m

not sure, I know that tomatoes grow on these little kind of plants with stalks on, tomatoes are nice, aren’t they?

I like tomatoes.

Anyway, here’s the thing: imagine that a normal person’s nose is about the size of one apricot (or roughly three cherry tomatoes). Now, by comparison, Gavin the giant’s nose was NOT the size of one apricot, it was bigger than that. How much bigger? I don’t know.

Let’s start again.

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THE

MASSIVE GIANT AND THE FLEA

W

ay, way back in the distant past,

Lamonic Bibber was just a few huts

and a warlock who lived on Boaster’s Hill,

turning hats into nightingales. Now, I know this

is going to surprise some of you but there was

a giant who lived in those days, and I bet you can’t guess his name, but it was Gavin.

Now, a lot of people, when they first hear

about Gavin the giant, like you are doing now – hearing about Gavin the giant for the first time,

I mean – a lot of people immediately want to

know all the details. They want to know how big

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his head was, for example. Or how big his hands

were. Or his torso, that’s quite a popular one. Which is fair enough, but I don’t think that’s the most amazing thing about Gavin the giant,

and I’m not just saying that because I don’t know the answers to all those other questions. I think the most important thing is how tall he

was overall. I mean, at the end of the day, that is what is so impressive about giants, isn’t it? How tall they are overall. So sit back and strap yourselves in and prepare to be amazed as I tell you how tall Gavin the giant truly was.

Right. Let’s say that a normal man is about,

I don’t know, about as tall as – let’s just say,

for example, that a normal man is about as tall as a fencepost. (I know some men are slightly shorter than a fencepost, and some other men are slightly taller than a fencepost but let’s just

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say, on average, that one man is about as tall

as one fencepost.) So we can write down the

following equation:

ONE MAN = ONE FENCEPOST

Now, of course, the question is this: How

tall was Gavin the giant? And we can write

down this question as the following equation:

GAVIN THE GIANT = ???

So. Given that a normal man is about as tall

as a fencepost, and given that we don’t know

how tall Gavin the giant was, it is clear that

Gavin the giant was quite a mysterious sort of a

character. OK, so we – OK, I tell you what, this

has all been a bit confusing what with all these

equations and things, let’s start again.

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THE

MASSIVE GIANT AND THE FLEA

O

nce upon a time there lived a giant called

Gavin and one day he saw a flea.

THE END

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Bibbering Through The Ages

The Stone Table

The Stone Table that stands on the outskirts of Lamonic Bibber is a mysterious and powerful object of ancient times. Recent tests have revealed that it may be much older than previously thought, perhaps dating as far back as 400 years BC (Before Chairs). Although no one knows exactly what it was used for,

it was probably built by the so-called ‘Oakic people’, a group of nature-worshipping weirdies who spent their time dancing

around hillsides, dressed as acorns and singing songs about dead badgers. Today the Oakic people have mostly been forgotten, although some of their rites and ceremonies have survived into the modern age, such as the Festival of the Leaves, which still takes place every autumn, and the Eurovision Song Contest,

which falls around May. (Thankfully, a number of their other ceremonies, such as the Month of Human Sacrifices, the Other Month of Human Sacrifices, and the notorious ‘Nudey Day’, have died out naturally over time.)

Once Upon a Time . . .

Princess

Snowflake

and the

Gypsy King

O

nce upon a time, long ago in the Age of Fairy

Tales, when the whole wide world was sugar

and spice and apples and mice and snow and ice

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and moonbeams, there lived in Lamonic Bibber a princess called Princess Snowflake. And never was there a name more suited to a person, because for a start she was a princess, so that bit was definitely right. And also she looked a bit like a snowflake, for her face was pale as a December’s morning and her hair as silver as light reflecting off snow. And finally, she was every bit as wild and carefree as a snowflake, so there you have it. Princess Snowflake it was.