William Shakespeare - The Complete Works of William Shakespeare

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Well, sir, there rest in your foolery. Is there any ship puts forth tonight? may we be gone?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Why, sir, I brought you word an hour since that the bark Expedition put forth tonight; and then were you hindered by the sergeant, to tarry for the hoy, Delay: here are the angels that you sent for to deliver you.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.

The fellow is distract, and so am I;

And here we wander in illusions:

Some blessed power deliver us from hence!

[Enter a COURTEZAN.]

COURTEZAN.

Well met, well met, Master Antipholus.

I see, sir, you have found the goldsmith now:

Is that the chain you promis’d me to-day?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.

Satan, avoid! I charge thee, tempt me not!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.

Master, is this Mistress Satan?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.

It is the devil.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Nay, she is worse,—she is the devil’s dam; and here she comes in the habit of a light wench; and thereof comes that the wenches say ‘God damn me!’ That’s as much to say ‘God make me a light wench!’ It is written they appear to men like angels of light: light is an effect of fire, and fire will burn; ergo, light wenches will burn: come not near her.

COURTEZAN.

Your man and you are marvellous merry, sir.

Will you go with me? We’ll mend our dinner here.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.

Master, if you do; expect spoon-meat, or bespeak a long spoon.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.

Why, Dromio?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.

Marry, he must have a long spoon that must eat with the devil.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.

Avoid then, fiend! What tell’st thou me of supping?

Thou art, as you are all, a sorceress;

I conjure thee to leave me and be gone.

COURTEZAN.

Give me the ring of mine you had at dinner,

Or, for my diamond, the chain you promis’d,

And I’ll be gone, sir, and not trouble you.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.

Some devils ask but the paring of one’s nail,

A rush, a hair, a drop of blood, a pin,

A nut, a cherry-stone; but she, more covetous,

Would have a chain.

Master, be wise; an if you give it her,

The devil will shake her chain, and fright us with it.

COURTEZAN.

I pray you, sir, my ring, or else the chain;

I hope you do not mean to cheat me so.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.

Avaunt, thou witch! Come, Dromio, let us go.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.

Fly pride, says the peacock: Mistress, that you know.

[Exeunt ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE and DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.]

COURTEZAN.

Now, out of doubt, Antipholus is mad,

Else would he never so demean himself:

A ring he hath of mine worth forty ducats,

And for the same he promis’d me a chain;

Both one and other he denies me now:

The reason that I gather he is mad,—

Besides this present instance of his rage,—

Is a mad tale he told to-day at dinner,

Of his own doors being shut against his entrance.

Belike his wife, acquainted with his fits,

On purpose shut the doors against his way.

My way is now to hie home to his house,

And tell his wife that, being lunatic,

He rush’d into my house and took perforce

My ring away: this course I fittest choose,

For forty ducats is too much to lose.

[Exit.]

SCENE 4. The same.

[Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS and an OFFICER.]

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

Fear me not, man; I will not break away:

I’ll give thee, ere I leave thee, so much money,

To warrant thee, as I am ‘rested for.

My wife is in a wayward mood to-day;

And will not lightly trust the messenger

That I should be attach’d in Ephesus;

I tell you, ‘twill sound harshly in her ears.

[Enter DROMIO OF EPHESUS, with a rope’s end.]

Here comes my man: I think he brings the money.

How now, sir! have you that I sent you for?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.

Here’s that, I warrant you, will pay them all.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

But where’s the money?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.

Why, sir, I gave the money for the rope.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

Five hundred ducats, villain, for rope?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.

I’ll serve you, sir, five hundred at the rate.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

To what end did I bid thee hie thee home?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.

To a rope’s end, sir; and to that end am I return’d.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

And to that end, sir, I will welcome you.

[Beating him.]

OFFICER. Good sir, be patient.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.

Nay, ‘tis for me to be patient; I am in adversity.

OFFICER.

Good now, hold thy tongue.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.

Nay, rather persuade him to hold his hands.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

Thou whoreson senseless villain!

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.

I would I were senseless, sir, that I might not feel your blows.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

Thou art sensible in nothing but blows, and so is an ass.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. I am an ass indeed; you may prove it by my long ‘ears. I have served him from the hour of my nativity to this instant, and have nothing at his hands for my service but blows: when I am cold he heats me with beating; when I am warm he cools me with beating. I am waked with it when I sleep; raised with it when I sit; driven out of doors with it when I go from home; welcomed home with it when I return: nay, I bear it on my shoulders as beggar wont her brat; and I think, when he hath lamed me, I shall beg with it from door to door.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

Come, go along; my wife is coming yonder.

[Enter ADRIANA, LUCIANA, and the COURTEZAN, with PINCH and others.]

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Mistress, ‘respice finem,’ respect your end; or rather, the prophesy, like the parrot, ‘Beware the rope’s-end.’

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

Wilt thou still talk?

[Beats him.]

COURTEZAN.

How say you now? is not your husband mad?

ADRIANA.

His incivility confirms no less.—

Good Doctor Pinch, you are a conjurer;

Establish him in his true sense again,

And I will please you what you will demand.

LUCIANA.

Alas, how fiery and how sharp he looks!

COURTEZAN.

Mark how he trembles in his ecstasy!

PINCH.

Give me your hand, and let me feel your pulse.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

There is my hand, and let it feel your ear.

PINCH.

I charge thee, Satan, hous’d within this man,

To yield possession to my holy prayers,

And to thy state of darkness hie thee straight:

I conjure thee by all the saints in heaven.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

Peace, doting wizard, peace; I am not mad.

ADRIANA.

O, that thou wert not, poor distressed soul!

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

You minion, you, are these your customers?

Did this companion with the saffron face

Revel and feast it at my house to-day,

Whilst upon me the guilty doors were shut,

And I denied to enter in my house?

ADRIANA.

O husband, God doth know you din’d at home,

Where would you had remain’d until this time,

Free from these slanders and this open shame!

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

I din’d at home! Thou villain, what sayest thou?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.

Sir, sooth to say, you did not dine at home.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

Were not my doors lock’d up and I shut out?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.

Perdy, your doors were lock’d and you shut out.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

And did not she herself revile me there?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.

Sans fable, she herself revil’d you there.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

Did not her kitchen-maid rail, taunt, and scorn me?