Sabine Bösel - Lend me your ear and I'll give you my heart

Sabine Bösel Roland Bösel

The path to a happy

love relationship

This book is dedicated to all those couples we were privileged to work with as therapists, and from whom we were able to learn so much .

A Matter of the Heart A Matter of the Heart Each couple has what it needs to be happy. This conviction is one of the most important foundations of our work as couples therapists. Nowadays, partners have too little contact with each other and don’t invest enough time to get to know each other profoundly. Many of us think love is a matter of luck. The most important decision of our lives was that we stuck it out despite the many hurdles we encountered. We’ve been a couple for the past forty years and have been working with couples for the past thirty. For about twenty years, we have been integrating the Imago Method into our work. We feel very closely connected with Imago, as it comes in right at the point where our society lags in terms of appreciation and mindful communication in relationships. The methods and practices we offer we have tried on ourselves and still maintain; if you stick to them, it’s a win-win for you, your relationship, and your children. This book offers more than just scenes from our relationship. There are many beautiful and challenging love stories about the lives of others, meant to show how to overcome obstacles and let love unfold. We changed the names of the people concerned—and if you see yourself in their stories, it’s pure coincidence and only proves that you are not alone in your problems. Appreciation is another foundation of our work. We think it’s wonderful that you are taking the time to read this book and that you want to do something for yourself and your relationship. We invite you to be appreciative of yourself and the important people in your life; this is especially true for your parents. Love relationships have a lot to do with our history, and specifically with our parents. However, this is not about blaming them for your present-day actions. We look into the past only to learn and grow. Dear men and women, dear couples, regardless of your sexual orientation: our offer to provide you with the basis for a successful relationship and our many suggestions for how to achieve it—these come from the heart. We wish you many productive hours with this book, and the courage and persistence that will lead your love to a beautiful and happy future. Sabine and Roland Bösel

1.Lend Me Your Ear and I’ll Give You My Heart 1.Lend Me Your Ear And I’ll Give You My Heart A visit to the land of the other A long, busy day draws to its end. Sabine has studied with the children all afternoon, gone to see the doctor with the little one and done the shopping for the birthday party the next weekend. When the children are finally in bed, she still has to tidy the kitchen, hoping that Roland will be home soon. Around ten o’clock, Roland comes home, obviously exhausted, and throws his bag into a corner. “I’m completely done in, today was simply too much. I’m going to watch some tv.” “Come on, really? You want to watch tv now? But I so wanted to tell you about my day!” “I’m exhausted – do you really think this is the best time for me to sit down and talk?” In the end, they do sit down together with a glass of wine, and Sabine begins to talk. Roland listens, yawning from time to time. Soon she drops a cue that prompts Roland to talk about himself. He gets into his stride and ends up telling her about his whole day. Sabine, who has not finished her story, is becoming more unfocused by the minute. “I thought you wanted to watch tv, and now you’re telling me everything about your day.” “I thought you wanted us to talk.” “True, but I hadn’t even finished, and now you’re telling me your whole story.” “Actually, I didn’t feel like talking, but I still made an effort. And now I’d like to tell you something, and you aren’t listening!” Roland goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water. “In the kitchen there are crumbs all over the place. You know I don’t like that.” “Now that’s the last straw! First you don’t want to talk, then you don’t listen, and now you’re accusing me of not doing the chores. Haven’t you noticed how clean the apartment is? And you complain about a few crumbs!” “And what about you? I come home completely done in, wanting to relax a little, and you absolutely have to talk. I’m talking all day anyway.”

A Voyage of Discovery in Each Other’s Country A Voyage of Discovery in Each Other’s Country According to a study, couples usually spend no more than two to four minutes a day discussing personal concerns. The rest of the time is spent exchanging various types of information regarding organizational matters, arguments, or power struggles. So, it’s not surprising that there are so many divorces and separations, even though we’ve known for many years now about the positive effect of active listening, using “I” messages in conversation, and communicating with respect and appreciation. In professional careers, these insights acquired through communications research became standard practice long ago. But what about love relationships? Carla and Frederic are a couple. Whenever she asked him to do something, and he answered, “Sure, in a minute,” they argued. The reason? In Carla’s country, “Sure, in a minute” means, “right away.” But Frederic never fulfills her requests “right away.” In his country, “Sure, in a minute” has a different meaning. At their therapy session, he said: “I thought you knew when I say that, it’s my polite way of saying, ‘Not now. I’ll definitely do it, but only when it suits me.’” Two different worlds, two different customs. It’s the many little arguments like these that cloud everyday life. How often does our partner react strangely or overreact to what we consider an innocuous statement, so that we are left wondering? But very seldom do we investigate the background for such a reaction. So, these situations are repeated again and again without being solved. In some cases, the misunderstandings become so vast that a crisis is inevitable. Love is not a state but an activity. You don’t have to leave it to chance whether you’re lucky in love or not. You can take it into your own hands by actively shaping your relationship. These steps include engaging with your partner and trying to understand his or her world. In this book, you’ll find many suggestions. Here is one of the most important: Take a trip to your partner’s country.

Dialogue as a Bridge to Your Partner Dialogue as a Bridge to Your Partner Talking to each other in everyday life can have many facets. Sometimes you listen more closely, other times less so, and you’ve probably caught yourself letting the other one talk while your mind is somewhere totally different. Our world is full of communication. We’re constantly giving and receiving information. So, we think: “Oh, I just can’t listen anymore, I’ve already heard enough!” Or: “How many times do I have to say the same thing over again?” While our partner tells us something, we are already thinking: do I agree with that? How can I argue against it? How can I answer? What story from my own life does that remind me of? In effect, we are only listening with half an ear. We’re not visiting the other person’s country, but remaining in our own while we look for answers. So, we’re missing a lot of valuable information that could bring us closer to our partner’s country. Especially when we’re distressed or when it’s a difficult topic, it’s hard to listen attentively. As therapists, we then ask our couples to be fully aware when attending to one another. We offer them a couples dialogue. Similar to a visit to a foreign country, the dialogue ensures the necessary openness and appreciation to get closer to one another. The dialogue is designed so that only one person speaks at a time, and the other one pays attention, without assessing what was said or considering an answer.