Sabine Bösel - Lend me your ear and I'll give you my heart

Use a timer—each of you is allowed to talk for five minutes, while the other one listens. Decide who speaks first and start with a simple subject. For example, I saw an older man in the subway who made me feel sad. Or: I had a funny dream last night. Or: I saw a film yesterday that touched me deeply. All of these are subjects that aren’t very ambitious to begin with, to ensure that your first dialogue is successful.

Agree on each saying a sentence the other one mirrors, beginning with: “I heard you saying….”, and ending with, “Did I get that?” When the sender feels he was correctly understood, he answers: “Yes, you got me.” If something important is missing, you say: “You got most of that, but what’s also important that you get, is…” And whatever is missing is mirrored again. After five minutes, you switch, regardless of the outcome.

After the two five-minute sessions, you both say: “The most important thing I got out of this conversation with you is….” It should be something constructive, nothing negative. Again, both parties should mirror this.

In the end, each of the parties should express appreciation for the other one, for example: “It felt so good that you listened to me with open, loving eyes.” Or: “I’m so glad that you told me about your experience in the subway, that you were so moved by it, and you let me see your tears.” Take at least an hour to mull over these mini-dialogues before you continue talking about them.

A crisis is often the result of important topics that have been avoided for too long between two people who are close to each other. Look for an Imago Therapist you feel confident with and, above all, be patient. Things took a long time to get shoved under the rug, so it will take some time to uncover them and resolve them properly.

Discover yourself. Take two chairs again and prepare everything as described for the “mini-dialogue.” Set the timer for thirty minutes and invite your partner to visit you. Choose an issue that has been on your mind lately, even if it has nothing to do with your partner.

Instead of describing the problem in detail, use the thirty minutes to figure out how this topic is connected with your history, childhood, or youth. Even if nothing comes up right away, allow yourself those thirty minutes. For the visiting partner, it’s important to be open. Even if you hear something you do not understand at all, mirror it lovingly and without further comment.

End the dialogue as described above.

We often receive recognition or appreciation from our partner without realizing it. Therefore, we suggest the following exercise:

Agree that for seven consecutive days, each of you will show appreciation or regard for the other, like commenting on something they did or a way that they behaved. Don’t say it in passing, but so that what you say is really heard. Ask your partner to mirror the appreciation.

Voice your appreciation, regardless of the daily situation, even if you’re not on the best terms at the moment. And in case your partner forgets, give them the chance to make up for it by doubling up the next day.

My partner is right, no matter what

It’s dusky in the living room. Sabine turns on the desk lamp and packs documents into a large shoulder bag. As she gets ready to go, Roland comes in.

“When are you coming back?” he asks.

Sabine rolls her eyes. “Don’t know,” she answers and shoulders the bag.

“Are you starting with that again? You always answer ‘I don’t know.’ But I want to know when you’re coming home!”

“We have to work and…”

“Not that again,” Roland interrupts. “Last time, all you did was gab for hours. You call that work?”

“Right. We gabbed, but before that, we worked. I won’t let you spoil my therapy training! I’m leaving!”

“You’ll stay, and we’ll talk!”

Sabine puts her bag back on the desk and shakes her head. “You’re like my mother. I won’t be locked up! I worked hard all day.”

“Worked? What do you mean by ‘worked’? I know the meaning of work. I’ve been on my feet since four this morning, and now it’s seven in the evening, and I’m dead tired. First I was in the meat factory, then shopping at St. Marx, and in the afternoon in the store at the cash register. And what are you doing? You sit at your desk. And now you want to go out and have fun?”

Roland is bewildered and furious. He wants Sabine to stay home tonight. But she remains silent and rummages in her bag without searching for anything in particular. She’s angry, and all she wants is to get away as fast as possible.

“I’m leaving!” she says, and slams the door behind her.

Roland is left behind, agitated, and immediately dives into his work. That helps to distract him from nagging thoughts: Is Sabine really meeting with colleagues? Just recently a man walked her home, quite a likable one at that!

After work, while Sabine tells her girlfriends about the fight with Roland, he’s in bed, unable to fall asleep. Like poison, the fear that Sabine no longer loves him eats away at his thoughts.

Sabine comes home very late. Tired and weary, she climbs into bed. “Where have you been for so long?” he explodes.

Sabine remains silent. But Roland sticks to his guns, and so they argue and argue until finally, in the early morning hours, they embrace and fall asleep.

Each relationship that lasts longer than six months suggests a kinship of souls. Whom we choose as a partner is no coincidence: There’s something familiar about them, even if we’re only aware of it subconsciously. Especially in the first phases of falling in love, we use phrases like: “It’s as if we’ve known each other forever.” Or: “You seem so familiar to me.”

This person reveals the good things we’ve experienced in our life so far, and especially in the first months of getting to know and love each other, we’re ecstatic about the special bond in which we experience so many beautiful, exciting and at the same time secure moments.

But they also reveal the painful ones. Together we might experience unimagined happiness, but it can also leave us deeply hurt. We experience this when falling in love moves on to the next phase in the relationship, when the butterflies in the stomach fade, and everyday life takes over. That’s when difficult situations might arise, conflicts break out, or power struggles set in. It’s exhausting, and when it gets too much for us, we reach for the first best solution: We solve the problem by separating. Then we hear: “He hurt me so much, I don’t want to go on living with such a person.” Or: “She became like a stranger.” Or: “We just drifted apart.”

At first, a breakup is a relief, because the arguments stop and you can finally breathe easy again. Months later, however, we find out that the difficulties were only a fraction of the partnership, and we separated from a person who was so familiar to us. Perhaps we’re in a new relationship and are frustrated to find out that the same problems arise again. All we did was exchange the person, but we kept the problems.

The bond between you and the person you chose as a partner is no accident. It’s deeper than you realize at first glance. Your subconscious makes sure that you fall in love with someone you’re not only optically attracted to, but who’s also compatible with your inner life. Your psyche is the result of all your positive and negative life experiences. The person you fall in love with might have experienced different things than you, but they lead to the same life topics. Your subconscious chooses according to these criteria, so there is a good chance that you will face the same problems when you switch partners.