Sabine Bösel - Lend me your ear and I'll give you my heart

The most important thing in a couples dialogue is that talking, listening, understanding, and empathy are all separate from each other. As mentioned earlier, active listening, speaking in “I” messages, appreciation, and acknowledgment are the critical elements of communication. In couples dialogue, all of these elements are united.

The principle is as follows: the two partners sit opposite each other, as close as possible, and look into each other’s eyes. It’s agreed that one person speaks first, while the other listens. After a while, they can switch. The person speaking talks about an occasion, a problem, an irritation, a happy experience, or whatever topic arises. As a host in their country, they make sure that their counterpart understands everything well. The person listening is the attentive visitor. Their job is to listen and “mirror,” that is, to repeat what was heard as precisely as possible.

The advantage of separating talking and listening is that one doesn’t have to repeatedly change channels. The listening person only has to be in receiving mode. The speaker is solely in sending mode, which is a relief, as they each only have to concentrate on one thing at a time.

That doesn’t mean that they have carte blanche. The person speaking is not allowed to verbally attack the listener. They must be aware of being the host, and must use a language that the guest can understand and accept. The listener, on the other hand, should keep all their wisdom, interpretations, ideas, and adversities to themselves. They should be aware of being a guest in another country, where they can get to know other cultures and customs, maybe even learn something about themselves and break down their prejudices.

Having conscious couples dialogues takes a little practice. And when the issues are difficult ones, for example, when you are fighting or are in the midst of a serious crisis, you will probably need the assistance of experienced therapists to succeed in dialogue. We’ve provided some exercises for you at the end of this chapter, with which you can try out the dialogue.

An essential part of Imago Couples Dialogue is active listening by repeating as precisely as possible what the other person has said. If you say to your wife: “I’m so frustrated that you have to go away for three days,” and your wife says: “I heard you say that you’re frustrated that I have to go away for three days,” she mirrored you perfectly.

You might think it’s a pretty strange way of speaking. Probably everyone feels the same way, the first time they are confronted with the principle of active listening. And it certainly would be strange if you asked your husband: “Darling, where did you park our car?” and your husband mirrored you by saying: “I heard you asking where I parked our car. Did I get you?” Such a situation requires nothing but a straightforward answer.

But if you want to address an important topic, then mirroring is an excellent tool for improving understanding and closeness. Brain research offers a good explanation of why this works. Researchers have discovered that someone being mirrored finds it easier to relax. It provides security and creates trust so that one is willing to dive deeper into the topic.

When Verena and Peter came to our office, Peter had severe burnout syndrome. He was head of a large company and thought it would be good idea to do couples therapy, as an entire workshop would take up too much time that he didn’t have. At the session, we asked Verena to mirror him. Peter protested. “That takes too much precious time; besides, I’m the one paying the bill here, and what good is it if someone just repeats what I say?”

Finally, he agreed, and Verena mirrored what she heard while looking into his eyes. “Did I get all of that?” she asked at the end. “You heard most of it,” Peter said. “I also said that I have the feeling my time is just running through my fingers, and with all the work, there’s nothing for me. All I do is function.” Verena mirrored his words, and suddenly, Peter’s eyes widened. “I don’t know why, but suddenly I feel incredibly sad, and I’m afraid to really feel it,” Verena mirrored. “You got me,” Peter said, “and now that I’ve said that, I also feel ashamed.” He was silent for a while, and then tears suddenly ran down his cheeks. “I have no idea why I’m crying,” he said, “but it feels good. I haven’t cried for thirty years.”

Weeks later, Peter told us that only through Verena’s attentive listening did he feel the security he needed. It was the only way he could unpack his deepest feelings. Peter was so impressed by the powerful effect of mirroring that he even introduced this technique to his company.

If two people disagree, we usually consider compromise as the best possible solution. However, a compromise requires both to give something up. So, we think it’s more important to find a mutual benefit that doesn’t take something away from anyone, but rather, brings something new to both.

Imagine two thick ropes knotted together. If we cut the knot, all that’s left at both ends is disconnected pieces. They’re lost. It’s the same with compromise. When a couple in a crisis comes to us with the idea that a quick breakup is the best solution, it’s like the cut knot. Each one has lost something, and each is left holding a useless piece of rope. But if the couple connects and a dialogue begins, then it is as if this knot is carefully untied, and both ropes remain intact. Then, both of them can decide how their lives should continue.

The scene at the beginning of this chapter clearly describes what happens when two partners come from different countries. In Sabine’s country, multi-tasking is the issue: work, children, household. In Roland’s country, the issue is a busy therapy practice, with time for his children only during lunch break.

“When we got together in the evening, each of us was still trapped in their own country. Only because we, as therapists, know how important it is to listen to one another, did we both make an effort. But we were tired and unable to concentrate. We were unable to visit each other’s country.”

Then the first fighting words fell: “You’re not listening!” And the nagging because of a few crumbs was the last straw—basically, a typical situation both Roland and Sabine were well familiar with, because listening was not really a priority. In Sabine’s family, important matters were usually swept under the carpet, or only discussed when those involved were absent. In Roland’s family, the main topic of discussion was the family business. There was little room for personal matters.

“We should have made an agreement about who listens to whom, and when,” Roland said. “And I could have said: ‘Sabine, my dear, I’m tired, but I can see it’s important for you to tell me something. I suggest we take half an hour in which you can tell me everything, and I’ll pay close attention. And tomorrow evening, we’ll do it the other way around: I can talk, and you listen.’ That would have helped us to pay attention. We could have understood each other better, and both would have benefitted. But as it was, we ended our busy day with an argument, which cost us even more energy.“

What You Can Do

Try a mini-dialogue. Invite your partner to take part in an experiment. Take two chairs and sit facing each other, without a table or anything else between you. Relax your body, that is, don’t fold your arms, and maintain eye contact.