Sabine Bösel - Lend me your ear and I'll give you my heart

What It Was Really About

2.Where Love Falls

Soulmates

What It Was Really About

3.You’re so Different from Me

Fascinating, the Way You Are

After the Sunshine Comes the Rain

The Lost Self

A Good Team—Recovering the Lost Self

What It Was Really About

4.The Dynamic Duo

Minimizers and Maximizers Two opposite temperaments

The real issue

The goal

What It Was Really About

5.An Honest Look at Yourself before Presenting Your Partner with a Relationship Book

It’s always me working on the relationship

I had a difficult childhood

My husband doesn’t help with the housework

Who is better – him or me?

I’m not pretty enough

Sexual assault

He only ever wants one thing

Men want to make us happy

What It Was Really About

6.Discover Your Feelings for Your Own Sake; Your Wife Will Be Thankful

This endless emotionalism

Like father, like son?

I am doing it for my wife’s sake

I will only accept help when the water is up to my neck

She spends hours talking about the same thing

My childhood was perfect!

My wife is so powerful

Careful, this is a test

What It Was Really About

7.A Thousand Reasons not to Talk to Each Other

The Space between You and Me

Evasive Maneuvers

Creating Awareness of Escape Hatches

What It Was Really About

8.Finally, Someone Understands Me

The affair – A sign that something is missing in the relationship

Clarifying instead of escaping

Crises as the engine of development processes

What It Was Really About

9.I Want to Become a Better Person for You

Embrace Conflict

90:10 – The Twin Pack

A Double Gift

Unlearning and Learning—And Making Room for Something New

What It Was Really About

10.Just Last Summer I Told My Wife that I Love Her

Love wants to be shaped and developed

The Five Love Languages

What It Was Really About

11.Sex, or The Simplest Thing in the World

The simplest thing in the world?

Eroticism and sex

What It Was Really About

12.Farewell Instead of Breaking Off

A Proper Farewell Provides a Basis for Something New

Pain Is a Healing Form of Energy

The Farewell Dialogue

Letting Go of Each Other

What It Was Really About

13.Had Children, Built a House, Planted a Tree—What Next?

Man strives as long as he lives

How Do I Find My Couples Vision?

Obstacles

What It Was Really About

Thank You

Each couple has what it needs to be happy. This conviction is one of the most important foundations of our work as couples therapists. Nowadays, partners have too little contact with each other and don’t invest enough time to get to know each other profoundly. Many of us think love is a matter of luck.

The most important decision of our lives was that we stuck it out despite the many hurdles we encountered. We’ve been a couple for the past forty years and have been working with couples for the past thirty. For about twenty years, we have been integrating the Imago Method into our work.

We feel very closely connected with Imago, as it comes in right at the point where our society lags in terms of appreciation and mindful communication in relationships. The methods and practices we offer we have tried on ourselves and still maintain; if you stick to them, it’s a win-win for you, your relationship, and your children.

This book offers more than just scenes from our relationship. There are many beautiful and challenging love stories about the lives of others, meant to show how to overcome obstacles and let love unfold. We changed the names of the people concerned—and if you see yourself in their stories, it’s pure coincidence and only proves that you are not alone in your problems.

Appreciation is another foundation of our work. We think it’s wonderful that you are taking the time to read this book and that you want to do something for yourself and your relationship. We invite you to be appreciative of yourself and the important people in your life; this is especially true for your parents. Love relationships have a lot to do with our history, and specifically with our parents. However, this is not about blaming them for your present-day actions. We look into the past only to learn and grow.

Dear men and women, dear couples, regardless of your sexual orientation: our offer to provide you with the basis for a successful relationship and our many suggestions for how to achieve it—these come from the heart. We wish you many productive hours with this book, and the courage and persistence that will lead your love to a beautiful and happy future.

Sabine and Roland Bösel

A visit to the land of the other

A long, busy day draws to its end. Sabine has studied with the children all afternoon, gone to see the doctor with the little one and done the shopping for the birthday party the next weekend. When the children are finally in bed, she still has to tidy the kitchen, hoping that Roland will be home soon.

Around ten o’clock, Roland comes home, obviously exhausted, and throws his bag into a corner.

“I’m completely done in, today was simply too much. I’m going to watch some tv.”

“Come on, really? You want to watch tv now? But I so wanted to tell you about my day!”

“I’m exhausted – do you really think this is the best time for me to sit down and talk?”

In the end, they do sit down together with a glass of wine, and Sabine begins to talk. Roland listens, yawning from time to time. Soon she drops a cue that prompts Roland to talk about himself. He gets into his stride and ends up telling her about his whole day. Sabine, who has not finished her story, is becoming more unfocused by the minute.

“I thought you wanted to watch tv, and now you’re telling me everything about your day.”

“I thought you wanted us to talk.”

“True, but I hadn’t even finished, and now you’re telling me your whole story.”

“Actually, I didn’t feel like talking, but I still made an effort. And now I’d like to tell you something, and you aren’t listening!”

Roland goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water. “In the kitchen there are crumbs all over the place. You know I don’t like that.” “Now that’s the last straw! First you don’t want to talk, then you don’t listen, and now you’re accusing me of not doing the chores. Haven’t you noticed how clean the apartment is? And you complain about a few crumbs!”

“And what about you? I come home completely done in, wanting to relax a little, and you absolutely have to talk. I’m talking all day anyway.”

According to a study, couples usually spend no more than two to four minutes a day discussing personal concerns. The rest of the time is spent exchanging various types of information regarding organizational matters, arguments, or power struggles. So, it’s not surprising that there are so many divorces and separations, even though we’ve known for many years now about the positive effect of active listening, using “I” messages in conversation, and communicating with respect and appreciation. In professional careers, these insights acquired through communications research became standard practice long ago. But what about love relationships?